What the actual hell have I done? Massive mistake

How is she moving to a new city with no job and nowhere to actually live? She’s not moving is she? She’s just coming to stay with you for no reason whatsoever.

You dont have to do this, but you do need to pull out now or forever hold your peace

Id use the reasoning that she no longer has a job so there is no way she can commit to moving out after a month, and you're not in position to house her for longer or support her more generally

It is, as you have identified yourself, a massive mistake.

It is a mistake that you can fix - and you should be fixing it immediately by letting her know that you have changed your mind and she can no longer stay as her circumstances have changed.

If you continue, you will be piling mistake onto mistake - and it will not be just you paying for this mistake - it will also be your children.

Sorry but I'd be having none of that. She said it would be a month. It's not going to be a month, it sounds like you don't want to be an agony aunt and neither would I I'm far too busy, she decided to cut off all contact with her family. Both she and this idea of living with you will be a disaster area.
Don't be afraid to pull out. You can always think of a reason.

OP I think you need to say she can't come move in with you, as you've realised it isn't right for your children and they come first. Sorry.
I feel for you. I'm also a people pleaser who gets themselves into awkward situations. But it's better to have an awkward conversation with her than a rubbish summer where you and your children can't relax in your own home.
Do it soon. Don't put it off.
Good luck x

Its only 4 weeks, and as you said you'll be out a lot.
Dont let her down now, it would be terribly cruel given she'll be on her own in a new environment.
You might even enjoy it, and learn things from the experience.

Sadly you forgot that you’re on some benefits that will be cut if she moves in, she won’t be able to after all. 😉

@LemonCurdLucy you have to speak up and you have to make it a statement and a final decision with no room for debate.

You say, it's unfortunate, that as your situation's changed, I can't offer to put you up now. My offer can't be open ended, and as you no longer have a long term and stable job, it isn't going to work for my family. Good luck with the search.

Don't mention the word sorry.

I’d help my family member in their hour of need. Everyone needs a leg up sometimes.

id just set some ground rules when she was in. It seems a bit unkind that someone has opened up to you during a really sad and difficult time of their life and you’re worried they might need emotional support.

life is really hard right now without your own family binning you off for having emotional responses to bad situations.

I don't think it's so difficult to find a room in a house share as to find your own place to rent.

This sounds lovely on the surface. Having dealt with a very similar situation myself, I’d advise her to take off the rose-tinted glasses and bar the door.

Don't do it, you'll become her mommy

OP you say you're away most of the time, which is why you accepted, but also that you can't put your kids through that. That's confusing.

If she's a "distant relative' I presume it's cousin/second cousin. I'd contact the person you're closest to in that scenario and tell them that as the potential job has vanished, it's no longer feasible.

1. Set clear ground rules & boundaries as others have said. Tell her she will have to leave if she breaks them
2. set a maximum time limit for how long she can stay and be clear about it

This. Take charge now, add strong boundaries. No job = no lodging at yours.

Sharing emotional feelings shows how vulnerable she is. From your tone you are not interested in helping her. I think it's a shame that you don't want to help her while she is going through this difficult time in her life. She needs people who understand her and are willing to help shape her future, not people who want to show her the door. The choice is yours to make.

https://m.spareroom.com

Thus website us your friend. Plenty of rooms to rent.

Do Not act as her guarantor. You’ll be forced to pay the rent if (when) she defaults.

Springadore response on the first or second page is ideal - ie, no job so she has no money to be able to afford a place, (and she can job hunt from home).

How or why did she loose her job? That would concern me? Was it poor attitude? Lateness? Mistakes? Didn’t pass probation? Etc

I haven't read through the whole thread but if you're near London then being single on an average wage is going to make living alone next to impossible. Even flat shares are ridiculous.

This. Without a job she's not going to be able to contribute either.

I'm in my late 30s and the LAST thing I want is a 20 something drunken 'child' rambling on at me about their problems, I have enough of my own already 😆

OP where I live you have to be earning three times the monthly rent as a bare minimum. Even then it is very, very hard to find a room in a houseshare, let alone a whole flat. If you take this girl on I suspect you'll be stuck with her!

Omg no don’t do it! I think you should use this new information about her not having a job anymore as the excuse and say it wouldn’t be fair on her or you because you wouldn’t be able to house her for any longer than a month and there’s no guarantee she would find work in that time.

I think she’s trying it on massively!

So what have you decided to do OP? Would be nice with a follow up!

I'd let her know that now she's not working and unable to contribute you'll have to put her stay on hold until she finds a permanent job. By then you might change your mind wether she will be able to live with you and you can let her know well in advance. Good luck 🤞

I think you just have to be honest and tell her that without a job, there’s no chance that she will be able to rent, so the plan will have to be put on hold until she gets another job. Point out that without a salary, her current plan is simply unrealistic and unworkable, because she won’t be able to rent without showing evidence of income. Don’t crumble - and don’t let her stay with you for nothing, either. If you do, you will end up with her there indefinitely.

she just showed you who she is op:

• she lost her job (was it ever reliable for her to speak of leaving?)
• still count on you to (already) pick up the pieces
• stayed and talked about herself a loooot

you need STRONG habits and boundaries from the beg:

• quiet time from… pm
• you « never sit down » before….this or that is done
• list of task she is expected to do to participate

you have gain another child :) it is a compliment so if you can, tag her alone your kids and treat her as such (adult kid). She chose you as mum model.

i may be completely wrong too though. Let us know! Good luck op!