What the actual hell have I done? Massive mistake

THE ROAD TO HELL IS PAVED WITH GOOD INTENTIONS

One night is very different to a few months.

Once she has moved in it will be very different.

“As for 'she needs that solid base right now. She's going through a lot', that absolutely isn't your problem. You and your family are your priority. Don't forget your thread title, LemonCurdLucy: 'What the actual hell have I done? Massive mistake. ”

This. Harsh as it may sound, She’s not your responsibility. I can see you’re caving.

Don’t be that person who posts in three, six , twelve months complaining of the squatter in their midsts. As people have said upthread, it’s easier to put a stop to this before they’ve stepped over the threshold .

It sounds as though you're finding reasons not to stand up for yourself because you're afraid to. Earlier you said that you're a 'coward'. Don't identify yourself like that. I had a situation years ago where I was afraid to ask someone to leave and justified it to a friend by saying, 'I'm just going to treat it as a life challenge to put up with having her here'. The friend said, 'Yes, but it's much more of a challenge to ask her to leave, isn't it?' That spurred me on, I asked her to leave, and I never regretted it.

As for 'she needs that solid base right now. She's going through a lot', that absolutely isn't your problem. You and your family are your priority. Don't forget your thread title, LemonCurdLucy: 'What the actual hell have I done? Massive mistake.

You already know what you need to know. Take back your own agency, and we'll all be here to support you.

I think because you have kids, it’s actually very simple. You will need to talk to her about how she plans to find accommodation with no job. Tell her that it’s the summer holidays so you will need quiet in the evenings and you will need energy to entertain the children. The kids will need at least a week to get back into routine before school starts again so you will need her to be leaving on ?25th August. If she is is thoughtful then she will understand. She may need to lower her expectations and move into a shared house to find a ready made social group.

If she will chat 24/7 chances are she won't freak out if you state your needs clearly. For example "I need some quiet time, I'm going to do xxxxx for an hour, please don't disturb me".

She may not manage to pick up on hints.

She sounds lovely OP, but having someone stay for the odd night now and again is entirely different to sharing your space with them 24/7. Why do you need to "see how it goes" when you already know you're regretting inviting her to live with you? You could be setting yourself up for months of stress and frustration for the sake of putting off one awkward conversation.

How did she take the news, Op?

But agree with a PP…tell her to secure the job as that’s easy to fund remotely…then she can stay a couple weeks til the room in a house share is available

oh come on…is this London? A 20 something can easiyfind a room in house share and a job

what are you all blathering on about estate agents and council houses?

No job = no chance of finding a flat to rent.

Why did she lose her job? What was the back story there?

If you let her through the door, you'll never get her out again

This sounds sensible. It could take her months to find a job.

Yep: what Spring said.

Be definite

”oh no, bad luck, OK, well no point moving unless you have a job to go to so good luck with the hunt and let me know if it’s in the same area and you need to talk about staying with me for a bit”

If she says she’ll come while she job hunts “to be honest that won’t work for me as I can really only manage to host you for the flat hunting period, not an extended stay, but as I say, good luck “

Just do what spring said

Her situation has changed IE no job, and yours has now, you have objections to assuming responsibility her life. You will end up being the parent to a grown person. Stop this before it starts.

Perfectly put

I'm also wondering at exactly what point she lost the job and whether OP's being seen as an ideal solution for all sort of things ...

If you go through with this you will regret it. You need to tell her that it’s not going to work. She doesn’t have a job, you have a stressful life with kids. No.

I think it's perfectly reasonable to say she can only stay for 1 month if she has a paid job.

Really can't understand grown adults lying like this. It's such an immature, slippery response to the situation, especially when the truth is perfectly reasonable.

Just be an adult and explain honestly why you can't do it - your reasons are fine.

You have to stop this now before it turns into an even bigger problem but really what were you thinking in offering something that was never going to work out? You’ve not helped this woman’s situation at all. Even if the job hadn’t fallen through, you would still regret it. You need to think about the impact of your actions in what happened, it is not all on her.

OP, that's all very reasonable. What on earth is wrong with just saying exactly that?

Honestly, I'd message her saying that, something unexpected has happened. Meaning a friend has have to move in temporarily, in an emergency situation. So she won't be able to move in for a month as planned.

Just say no. It's fine to say no.