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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse DH taking kids away which would mean I cannot see them for 5 days

64 replies

getmeout12 · 14/07/2024 12:27

My DH is on annual leave this week. We have just regions from a week away (where we did nothing but argue). I have worked entirely from home since early May because of a lack of childcare, grandparents being away and DH refuses to do any extra pick ups or drops so it's all fallen to me in all times of need the last few weeks. That means I absolutely need to be away for work next week Tues to Thurs because I've been invisible at work in 6 weeks. I am the main breadwinner and my salary supports 75-80% of our costs. My DH could not be less supportive of my job despite it sustaining us and paying the bills.

We are returning from holiday today to my in laws being at our house. DH wants to be at home Mon to Weds because he wants to do some work on the house while his parents are visiting. He then wants to wait to take our DC back to his hometown (5 hours away) until Thursday, meaning they'll be gone before I get home on Thursday eve. He wants to stay until Sunday.

That means I won't have seen my DC for 5 days 5 nights which is the longest by far. I don't want to be away Tues - Thurs but I need to be away for 2 nights for work, and given my absence recently I have no flex to ditch a night.

He has suggested that I go but his parents are insanely stressful, my MIL is very nosy and interrogative. She waits until my DH is away to ask incredibly personal, intrusive questions. She gives unsolicited parenting advice and the whole experience just isn't enjoyable and I'm in a goldfish bowl the whole weekend.

If I go, that means in two weeks I'll have been at home for a grand total of two nights- three countries (holiday, work, parents in law). I just want to get home and sort my house out with my in laws, by then, having gone.

It's also my son's last week at preschool. He missed this week due to holiday, I didn't expect him to not be there on Thursday and Friday next week.

I have said to my DH that he should go home any time between Mon to Friday but that I'm not having the kids away from me for 5 nights. I've never gone longer than 2nights and I feel I'm being punished for being away- working.

He has called me an evil witch. Tells me it's likely the end of us (we are going through a terrible patch) if I stop the children going.

AIBU?

OP posts:
CandiedPrincess · 14/07/2024 12:44

He's not being unreasonable.

Harrumphhhh · 14/07/2024 12:42

With kindness, as you are obviously at the end of your tether, YABU.

He might be a crap partner in other ways, but what he’s suggesting isn’t unreasonable.

Let them go. Enjoy the time to yourself when you get back from work. Potentially use it to do some really deep thinking about your relationship.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 14/07/2024 12:42

YABU. The marriage doesn't sound great, but I think you are in the wrong on this issue. It should be fine for him to take the children, and you could join them if you wanted to but are choosing not to.

Bemusedandconfusedagain · 14/07/2024 12:41

You're marriage sounds like it's over. But a loving considerate partner wanting to take the kids away should be a non issue. Unless he has ties overseas and you're concerned he's going to take them out the country?

hopeishere · 14/07/2024 12:39

Bigger problems here obviously. But five days kid free to concentrate on work and getting the house shipshape sounds fine to me.

andyourpointiswhat · 14/07/2024 12:37

It’s five nights, not five months, you are being ridiculous in that respect but it sounds like you are under huge pressure and your relationship is toxic which is probably making everything feel worse.

Buddysbunda · 14/07/2024 12:35

You are being unreasonable. You don't get to control the family because you are the main earner.

modgepodge · 14/07/2024 12:34

Will your son be upset missing the end of preschool? My daughter had to miss her last few weeks for medical reasons and left one day and never went back. She was extremely sad about this even months later.

other than that I do think you are being a little unreasonable…you have the choice to go see them at the weekend…otherwise 5 days isn’t soo long. If you separate from you husband it may regularly end up being a full week if he takes them on holiday and so on…

Emotionalsupporthamster · 14/07/2024 12:34

It seems a bit over the top to stop him taking them away - I’d be delighted at the chance for some time to myself. It sounds like you have a bigger problem than your DH wanting to take the kids away to the GPs for a few days though.

DracoDormiensNumquamTittilandum · 14/07/2024 12:33

YABU

converseandjeans · 14/07/2024 12:33

I think it would be fine if you're working & it means you get a bit of breathing space? It's good for children to have a relationship with grandparents independent of the mother. Just leave them to it & enjoy the break.

MartinsSpareCalculator · 14/07/2024 12:32

I think you have bigger issues than this. But on this you're being unreasonable. He's their parent too, and I don't think it's right that you should control what he does with then when he's spending time with them.

TakeOnFlea · 14/07/2024 12:31

He's threatening you with separation? I'd gladly accept tbh because things aren't going to get better.

You're in a good position compared to him with your income and the time you have with your kids would be quality time.

Regalia · 14/07/2024 12:30

Your marriage clearly has problems, but in itself, I’d have no issue with not seeing my child for five days because he was away with his dad. He has often been away for longer. Having time to concentrate on work isn’t a ‘punishment’ for me.