To refuse DH taking kids away which would mean I cannot see them for 5 days

YABU about him taking the children away, especially after starting the OP about how you do essentially everything at home, with childcare, and being the breadwinner. This is your chance for a break from some of it ....

Use the time to get your affairs in order and get legal advice about getting rid of the manchild who is making your life harder rather than easier.

I agree with others, generally day to day your H is an arse! Not helping and supporting is just a him being a dick!

However for this specific issue I think you are unreasonable why can’t he go away for 5 days with them and let you work/ have some time off. Surely you can message/ facetime etc?

You are being totally unreasonable. If your marriage ends then your DH will be taking your children away for that length of time or longer on a regular basis. If as you say he will rely on his parents for child care when he has contact, then this is what you will be facing going forward. You need to think long term.

When my husband took them away for a week when I was working. I came home ate a ready made salad, I cleared every room of outgrown clothes, toys. Cleaned every room thoroughly.

At the end of the week the home was like a new pin and I was so relaxed.

With regards to the time away from DC, I would personally take it as an opportunity to have some "you" time. Work is work, but then get home and have a couple of days to just enjoy some quiet time and then you'll be reunited. I wouldn't think twice about it - yes please a break away from
DC sounds lovely!

What do the kids want to do? anyone asked them how they feel about it?

I was already to tell you that 5 days is a lot but not in the grand scheme of things if you’re busy for a part of it and that’s very likely something I would do to both while away the time and to see my family and be able to say I had a good block period with them (I only see them a few times a year), but threatening with separation is horrendous … you both need to have a big talk

This marriage sounds dead in the water so you will probably have to get used to being away from them at some point if you split and have to share custody.

Wow I'd love 5 days alone

Let him take them and use Thursday or Friday to go and see a matrimonial finance solicitor to take advice about how to best manage your separation.

I would hate to be away from my DC for 5 nights.

However, you’re not actually being forced to be away from them - you just don’t want to visit your PIL. So for that reason you’re being a bit unreasonable. I know you’ll have barely been home in that two-week period but it’s just two weeks and the summer holidays are approaching.

I’d suck it up and go stay with them tbh.

But I’d also be sorting my shit out to end my marriage.

If you think he’s deliberately weaponised the children to get at you about your job, you perhaps need to have a very good think about how contact and co-parenting will work after you split. This doesn’t sound like a man who will be reasonable or fair so you’re going to need good legal advice and a cast-iron stomach to deal with the inevitable difficulties.

I think I would take an extra day/night before you join them to maybe make an appointment with a solicitor and figure out your next steps. Best of luck - sounds like you’re in a strong position financially so there’s no reason to live like this 💐

How old are the children?

If they are babies or breastfed then I can see your point, but any older YABU.

YABU.

He's stepping up to parent.

But I think his suggestion of separation sounds sensible. This relationship doesn't seem to have a lot of respect for each other.

It's 5 nights, not 5 weeks, and you can see them via video call.

5 day trip is nothing. That's not the problem here

You want your husband to do his share. Which he is, by fixing the house and then taking the kids away. For reasons I can't quite grasp, you're not happy with this. There are lots of issues in your marriage but I don't this issue is the hill to die on.

My DH took the children away for a week. Scotland and then Ireland before returning to Wales. It was bliss to be honest.

If you separate you'll probably be losing them half a week every week anyway

He sounds awful but the plan to take the dc a way isn't one of the reasons. You've had a busy time - enjoy the weekend to yourself. Get things in order. Consider if you want to continue in the relationship with a bit of breathing space around you.

Your post (and life) seems to be quite hectic. I'd have no problem with him taking the children for 5 days. I wouldn't see it as punishment! I'd see it as time to get everything done that you feel hasn't been done. It also means not having to spend extra time with his parents. It's down time for you.

I also think this looks like the end of your relationship, so time separate from your children is likely to become more of a thing.

Let him go. Let him bring the children. You can ring/video call. You can also take time to evaluate everything and have a bit of headspace to do it. Your children will be fine, and they'll be home in a few days.

Am I the only one who would massively miss ds for 5 nights away? I wouldn't want to be apart from ds for that long either, a weekend, fine but the best part of a week would feel very long to me. So I can understand why op isn't feeling excited at the prospect. It sounds like you're left doing so much of the parenting you're only getting limited chances to actually enjoy your children. Which I think would make sense and make you miss them more.

I think in this case op, I'd let him take him because I'm not sure it's a hill to die on provided you feel they are safe with him and that he will return them at the end of the 5 days and keep in touch in between.

Obviously you're both not in a good place in your relationship and I'd be inclined to use this time to think about what you need to be different, what you need to do differently and how you can do that eg marriage counselling, having a set date night, agreed time for you both to have your own individual down time, set tasks in the home you're both responsible for. And when he's back, then I'd sit down with him and propose you both try to find a better way going forward. I'd also have a think about what steps you'd need to take if there isn't a better way forward or if he decides not to pull his weight.

Short-term, I would just focus on the fact that you'll be getting five child-free days to do whatever you like (around work, obviously).

Long-term, I would end your marriage.

You need to take what wins you can with the kids, and deal with your marriage problems separately. You are moaning he won’t do stuff with the kids, but now he wants to so let him and make the most of that time with work and to take a break from him and think about what you want.

I think this is about seeing your kids but more about your marriage.

dh used to take ours to his parents for a week every new year. I worked- Christmas off means taking the NY shifts.

bloody loved it. Spent two days cleaning and getting the house absolutely spotless, then sat revelling in a clean house that stayed tidy and being able to eat what I wanted, and worry about myself and my needs only. I could get a snack or a cup of tea without everyone else wanting me to get them one too.

If I were doing all you do, I would be jumping with joy at getting some child free time. Though ofc you have bigger issues.

You clearly have much bigger issues in your relationship which I can see are very difficult. But I think those are colouring your view here. Him taking on the DC mon-Wed while also sorting stuff at home and, I assume, his parents, then him taking them away for a few days feels like a brilliant way for you to be able to focus on work and getting yourself together and, hopefully, the DC will hvae a great time with him and their grandparents.

How old are they? I could sort of understand your hatred of this idea if they were 6 months but assuming the're all a bit older, this feels like a win.

PS my brother's wife refused to allow him to bring his dd to visit us for a 3 day visit. Considering he is actually a very involved parent who regularly looks after the DC while she works etc, there's zero excuse. The way he talks about her and their relationship has changed since then and I suspect in a year or so when they're probalby divorced, he'll look back at that moment and say that was the the final straw that made him really start considering leaving.