To refuse DH taking kids away which would mean I cannot see them for 5 days

I can see why you’re annoyed but you need to put it in perspective - 5 days isn’t long in the grand scheme of the things and if you separate it’ll be a lot more. If you are the bread winner he can easily present himself as the main parent. Unless he’s abusive there won’t be a reason not to give him 50/50. It sounds like you may be heading for divorce and that’s fine but you will have to accept seeing your children half of the time, sad and difficult as that is. Maybe take the five days to work and relax and consider what you want and if the marriage can be fixed.

I don’t have experience of divorce myself but my DH is divorced with 50/50 shared care of my DSD. Last Summer we didn’t see her for 15 days while her mum and stepdad took her on a big holiday. The year before we went away for 16 nights with her and her mum didn’t see her for 17 days. We missed her like mad and I’m sure her Mum and SD did too. All she thought about was how good her holidays were - the separation is a lot harder on the adults! Just something to think about, your kids might enjoy the days away.

You say that if you go toPILs that will be three countries in two weeks. Do they live abroad? Is there any danger DH will keep them there?

I am with the ones saying your marriage seems dead in the water anyway, and unless you plan to go for 100% care, the children will be staying away from you at times.

So I would take the offer and use you free time to think through where you go from here and what you think your future could reasonably look like.

I really don't see why you have a problem with this so YABU.

Your whole marriage is the issue.

The 5 nights isn't a problem imo. If you split and have 50/50 custody that'll be the norm every fortnight.

5 childfree days to crack on unhindered and to relax sounds like heaven. They are with their dad whom they live with. I agree that your marriage problems are likely clouding things a bit here. Let them go, enjoy the peace!

It’s not really about the 5 days is it? DH has taken the children for weeks to visit his family in North Africa. I coped with it because it was part of a balanced relationship where both parents took responsibility and had an equal voice.

This is about him playing Disney dad at an inconsiderate time because it suits him and allows him to look like he gives a shit whilst acting in his own best interests.

Say do you know what it's fine it's probably best your parents watch the children anyway

The context matters here. He's using it as a power move. If he was a caring partner and parent who had discussed and agreed this with you, that would be different. The fact he's doing this at an inconvenient time which ignores the best interests of the kids (re end of preschool) just confirms it's all about him and nothing about the family.

It does really depend on the dc ages to me. Mine are 10 and 12 and I’ve never been apart from them for 5 days, but in theory it would be fine. I would expect Dh to respect my feelings if I didn’t want to - if they are young.

I agree the problems with your Dh are colouring the situation, which is understandable.

Hi OP,
Does he do the day to day parent things e.g. cooking for the kids, getting them ready, bath, doing the food shop etc? The list goes on. Are you worried about the children being away for 5 day because of lack of parenting he does day to day?

In the normal scheme of things, 5 days away isn't an issue.

Within the context you describe its a massive issue. Some posters seem to be wilfully ignoring the context.

Yanbu. Accept his offer to separate. Call it a trial. See how it goes.

I think you and your kids would be better off without him.
Pick up and drop offs - didn't exist when I was a kid, we walked (given the age and distance).
Your in-laws sound nightmarish, too.
Would you be happier just with your kids?

You don't get to call all the shots.

Yeah nut in a case of divorve he would also need to do all "unfun" stuff during week or settle for every other weekend access yo children only.

I would take the time and let him head off. Focus on your job, you can't afford to lose it.

He will undoubtedly come back having offloaded the kids on his parents perpetually pretending to be Dad of the year and be all insulted at any inference he is not pulling his weight. If you have any headspace between the job and sorting the house, I'd try to make your exit plan and how you are going to frame the next discussion with him.

Very unlikely her DH would want 50:50 if he is unqble to cover odd schoolmpickups now.
Surelly he would struggle with a full week of having them over

Is he staying in this country with them? If yes, YABU I’m afraid.

I think if he isn’t willing to do pick ups and drops off and general parenting then he doesn’t get the fun holiday while you work, that sounds like Disney dad bullshit and if he’s going to act like that then you might as well be separated.

As others have said, you need to separate the issues. YABU about him taking the children away, even though you won't see them for 5 days. That will be good for them, and you - they will be away from you at some point (residential school trips for example), and its better that you all start getting used to the idea now rather than when the time comes. You need to look at the marriage issues though, it sounds awful.

It’s 5 nights, not 5 years. It shouldn’t be a problem. If you divorce you’ll likely need to get used to it.

YABU for objecting to him taking the kids to his parents. In the grand scheme of things 5 days is nothing. I honestly think this is more about your resentment of him not sharing the load/not appreciating how hard you work than it is about 'missing the kids'. Would you feel it was 'unfair' to take the DC to your parents' for 5 days without him?

YANBU about resenting him though. He honestly sounds pretty shit to me and as if the two of you no longer 'connect' as a committed couple should. Love can and does die, you know. And when it does, it's usually better to call time before bitterness starts to set in, although sounds as if it may be too late for that. I think you need to look at your marriage in its totality and decide "Am I better off with him, or without him?". The answer seems pretty obvious to me, but you know the 'intricacies' of your marriage (and your finances) better than I do.

Let him take the kids. In his absence, review your financial situation (your income, his income, and household expenses & bills) and see a solicitor about what a divorce might mean to you. Especially since you are the much higher earner you need to know what he might be entitled to in a settlement as the lower earner spouse and what might happen if he decides to declare himself the 'primary caretaker' of the DC in order to get maintenance.

Life is too short to live in misery. But you have a lot to think about. Get rid or 'cheaper to keep him'. Just get the info, consider, and make a cool and calm decision.

Think you are being a bit unreasonable.

It reads like you need a massive break. Thursday to Sunday is not much at all. DH takes the kids and you work and do what you feel you need to do at home.

If your DH is just going to his parents and using them as childcare while he does what he wants, there’s not much you can do about it. If this is the norm for him, the kids will realise if they haven’t already depending on ages, what kind of father they have.

Plus the time alone may help you sort what you want to do about your marriage going further.

i’m suprised there’s not more YANBU! No way my DH would be taking DS away for a week without me and we parent completely 50/50. I couldn’t go a week without seeing my DS, it would be too long for me but he is under 2YO. He would also respect my decision though. Your marriage is the problem here. Maybe separation would be good for you both. He might actually have to pull his weight!

I agree with the others that your dh sounds completely awful but I would let him take the kids and you can have some thinking time about what to do about your relationship.