To ask about your thoughts on visiting newborns…

i would get both sets of grandparents to visit while you are in hospital and then get dh to tell everyone that you need some time to come round when you get home so no visitors for a while.

You can make your own rules, but your DH and in-laws probably won’t understand why it’s one rule for your family and will get offended. I’d just say a quick visit in first few days and then you want a baby bubble, but I do think you need to have the same rules for both families as it might upset your DH too who will want to share his new baby with his family too if your mum is there.

Personally I think the baby bubble idea is nonsense. Families, especially grandparents should be able to welcome the new family member without be told to keep away entirely.

But also believe adults that are old enough to have babies are also old enough to be able to communicate with people and tell them to hand the baby back after a short hold to say hello, or say thanks for coming, but you are tired/need to feed/need to eat, it was lovely to see them and time to leave now.

What does your husband think? I'd be gutted if I was told I had to wait a week before I could have a cuddle with my grandchild.

You might be really surprised after giving birth (even if it’s a c-section) at how good you feel. After a couple of days for both of mine I was pretty desperate to show them off to visitors as I was convinced I’d just given birth to the most beautiful babies on the planet (hormones are mental - I look back on photos now and one looked like a potato with nostrils and the other like an angry gremlin 😅)

I think it’s best to make no plans until baby is actually here but I really would advise you to try and treat both grandmothers exactly the same.

Going against the grain here and saying it’s absolutely different as the mother hosting your own close family, to your in laws - depending on the relationship. It’s not “unfair”…. Postpartum is as much about the mum as the baby and it’s up to mum. If you want visitors, great - if you only want your mum, that’s fine and PIL can wait a few days. If you’d had any other major medical event, would your in laws be banging on the door to see you???

It is perfectly reasonable that you might want to only see your own parents when you’ve been stitched front to back and are bleeding/leaking milk, and wait until you feel more recovered to see in laws.

yes it’s DHs baby too but he didn’t carry the pregnancy and didn’t give birth so the assertion all things are equal is ridiculous. Obviously be mindful of feelings and set clear boundaries / perhaps work out a way to welcome in laws that you are comfortable with eg an hour, they bring food, you set the time… DH needs to be on same page.

A newborn baby is not a toy all grandparents get to share and pass around. Postpartum is for you to recover and learn your baby and you can decide how that goes. Be open minded and welcoming but do not allow yourself to be bullied into visits by childish grandparents saying “it’s not fair”. It’s not fair women have fo endure pregnancy and childbirth and men don’t but here we are!!

With my first I had in laws over on day 2 and it was awful. Please note they are lovely people and we get on well. I just felt so raw and exposed and then the midwife turned up and checked my stitches and MIL helpfully held baby…. I had not realised she (well meaning) was hovering outside my room for the examination in case I wanted to hear baby. Result was her hearing the midwife discuss my vagina with me. I was so upset. I would have felt entirely differently if that was my mum or sister. It’s not “unfair” or that I don’t care for MIL or view her as an equal grandparent, it’s just a boundary.

with DD2 they came over perhaps day 5 and I found it helpful as they played with eldest and Newborn was less the focus.

good luck OP, follow your gut xxxx

One of the nicest things that’s ever happened to me was being handed my (step) grandchild the moment I walked through the door - I hadn’t even taken my coat off. Obviously I’m biased but I think it’s very sad to favour one set of grandparents over the other. Having said that anyone visiting should be prepared to make their own tea/coffee and ask if they can do any household chores while they’re there.

My PIL came to the hospital both times and to be honest I never even considered anything else.

I think I saw them nearly every day for the first few weeks. They were welcome and invaluable.

I'm all for resting and not feeling the pressure to have visitors and get up and out for a few weeks after the birth BUT grandparents should absolutely be able to visit. I stayed in bed the first 10 days and it was very much needed (stitches, painful breastfeeding) I put off visitors but allowed grandparents and it felt like a great balance.

As for not wanting people to hold your baby, I always find that a bit odd. Fair enough don't let anyone kiss them but holding...surely that's allowed. Everybody loves a baby cuddle and it causes absolutely no harm so I really don't see the issue.

If it's only a few days the in laws have to wait then I don't see the issue. My parents flew over and my mum was with dh in the hospital, but I needed to go to theatre so my mum was in the waiting room with my dad. They both saw me and baby within about an hour. My fil came to hospital and this meant a lot to my dh. His mum (parents are separated) visited a few days later but she lived 1.5 hours away.

Talk to your DH...he can give his parents boundaries, but it would be unfair not to allow them to visit if your parents are.

Think how you would feel if your child had a baby of their own but only allowed the other grandparents to visit.

I would invite Your Mum and MIL for a quick visit asap. Your DH may well have a strong emotional urge to introduce your baby to his M&D and you yours. They are your parents…

Others can wait.

It's up to you, but I think you should take DH's feelings into account too.

Have a conversation with him about you not being sure how you are going to feel after a C-Section and you want to manage expectations around visiting in advance in case you it's too much for the first day or two.

The suggestion about getting them to come to the hospital is a good one. You could even suggest that to MIL, and say come then and have the first cuddle, as you will probably want to retire to bed for a day or two when you first get back home.

You may feel entirely different once baby arrives. My first labour lasted 39 hours and by the time he arrived, I'd have given him to the milkman if he'd offered me a cuppa, a round of toast and a few hours sleep. Try to not have fixed ideas too soon, if MIL holding baby for an hour means you can take an extra nap, go for it. If you are feeling better than you expected then you will be able to just take baby back yourself

Ok @anxiousmummaa, you have obviously made your mind up that YANBU so I'm a bit unsure what your AIBU is then.

I also think both sets of grandparents should be given the same treatment. It should be fairly easy for your partner to say to his parents ‘baby needs a feed now, thanks so much for coming!’ if they don’t know when to leave.
I couldn’t have delayed the lovely moment where grandparents meet their new grandchild for a week, but I guess see how you feel. They’ll be excited and it’s lovely to watch them start to bond with the baby.

Incredibly unfair to have your mum but not your MIL

Really not fair.

A lot of women don't get much say in how they want their childbirth and post partum experience to go, so I think it's fine to arrange things how you want them to be. People will have to learn to live with it. It's not going to kill them to wait a few days 🙄 I have two sons. If Dil wanted her mum around when she'd had a baby I'd be fine with it. I'd just be happy knowing they were okay and get on with my crochet.

You should do whatever feels right for you and not anyone else. If MIL will hog the baby then make her wait a while until you're more comfortable. Yes you want both sets of grandparents to be able to see their gc early but you have to be happy as the new mother in the equation. Waddling around sore and healing at home for a few days isn't the best situation for hosting and unless mil is useful to you rather than just wanting cuddles and photos the delay it until you feel better.

It’s all very dependant on the individual. If you come from a close family then it would feel weird to make people wait a week to see the baby. But if you had a family that was a little bit more distanced, then a few days grace is fine. All of my immediate family including in laws, sisters and brothers had met my baby by the time he was 3 days old.
But I do think it’s mean to make MIL wait longer then your mum when she hasn’t actually done anything yet. Just say a quick cuppa and then make your excuses.

Fine if yr mum is kept away too, but if u still plan on having her there only fair mil gets to visit the baby.

Does your DH not get a say, it's his baby too.
Why are your parents more important than his.

This with bells on.

As it happens we didn’t have any visitors for quite a while but when we did I appreciated the ones who gave a toss about me as a person and did not regard me as solely a producer of grandchild.

As others have said that wouldn't be fair.

And I think your mum refusing to hold nephew for longer than a minute, isn't necessarily the 'loveliest approach', as it would be quite insulting to a lot of new parents.

As the mother, I would've felt embarrassed that I'd put her in an unwanted position and would be unlikely to offer again.