To ask about your thoughts on visiting newborns…

Tell them when baby arrives ans you send announcement text.
Bo visitors for the first 2 weeks please unless you are coming to support/help.

I.e take baby so you can nap / shower / pamper yourself. Bring over food. Offer to help in the house.

@CelesteCunningham "You have a partner, you won't need help. They can just come for the joy, it's ok. Don't pay too much attention to the internet for this, look to real life. "

I think "come for the joy" is such a wonderful expression! Exactly that. Babies are wonderful, gorgeous creatures, no wonder people want to see them and cuddle them!

And please don't think of it as a transaction-a minute's cuddle per load of laundry done.

Before marriage what was the intention regarding relationship with the in-laws and agreed with your husband? Are they toxic people that your husband established wanted limited or low contact? Or they intended to be viewed as family?

If the intent was low contact them fair enough, establish the boundaries as you and your husband wish.

If after marriage, your in-laws are considered "family", they aren't generally bad people, I think you are being very unfair and disrespectful to allow your own family to see your baby first and not your in-law.

1. Firstly if your husband has a good relationship with his parents, that is very disrespectful to your husband. He did not carry the baby but I assume he still supported the pregnancy and is an excited father who is looking forward to sharing his baby with his immediate family.
2. If not for you, the visit is for the baby. He might not be able to remember it but he will have photos to remember the moment with. It's their first meeting in person to establish the bond. If you want these people to be loving grandparents it's hard to start off sour by designating them as second class grandparents to yours. Think about it, if you have a daughter in law restricting your access to the grandkids and prioritise her own parents, it's going to dent the relationship with your baby.

If you don't want to see people just hold off on both sides until you are actually ready. You might be wanting to limit people holding your baby now but after a few weeks of sleep deprivation you will be begging for someone to hold the baby for a moment so you can shower or take a quick nap. If you have a good relationship with your in-laws that helps you ultimately down the line.

Would you feel OK with your child asking you and your Husband not to come round for a few weeks after the birth of their child but the other Grandparents could?

Seems rather mean to exclude your in laws because she had the audacity to make a joke, though you are very loving in how you describe your Mom and quite dismissive in how you speak about your in-laws. It's seems you only just tolerate them.

But just remember, they are your Husbands parents all the things your parents feel about you and their Grandchild, they will be feeling it too for their child and Grandchild.

When they do visit, ask them to do a quick job or make lunch or make a cuppa and let them hold the baby too.

but if your going to stop 1 set visiting because it's Autumn, you really need to stop both sets visiting.

The Mumsnet generalisation that MILs don't care about their DILs is ridiculously overblown.

Yeah I think some people have very little understanding of the fact people mostly only post about their MILs if they don't like them.

Meanwhile, I'd say there's a silent majority who have great relationships with theirs, but don't feel that's worthy of starting a thread.

I love the way that people think they know how they'll feel about something they've never experienced.

I would have said that too. And obviously I would have waited if need be, but would have found it agonising. From the moment I knew that that baby had arrived, I was desperate to see them both, to be reassured, to see that baby was real and everyone was well.

And frankly this assumption that MILs don't care about how their DIL is, it's (in most cases) incredibly unfair. My MIL was more solicitous to me than my mum, by orders of magnitude. And my DD's MIL was every bit as thoughtful and kind as I was when my DD gave birth.

The Mumsnet generalisation that MILs don't care about their DILs is ridiculously overblown. And no, I'm not a MIL to DILs. I just have two lovely sons in law.

No, the woman’s parents/family want to know they’re both okay, but the man’s (or other mum’s) family’s main concern is the grandchild and their relative.

Sorry but I've been married twice and that's absolutely NOT my experience.

Both my ex PILs and my current PILs couldn't have been more loving, concerned and caring towards me.

People are different the world over, so it's best to remember that.

@saraclara

They just need to know and see that you're both okay, and to marvel over this new little person.

No, the woman’s parents/family want to know they’re both okay, but the man’s (or other mum’s) family’s main concern is the grandchild and their relative. The person whose feelings need to be considered most are the new mother’s, who has given birth and may feel vulnerable.

I do agree that the birth of a grandchild is massive and wonderful, and if I ever am lucky enough to be in that position I will wait to be welcome to meet them.

I really don't understand why grown adults are incapable of managing visits from the grandparents.

The MIL holds the baby for what feels like it's going to be too long? You ask for it back and your DH follows up, if necessary by actually taking the baby from her.

They might stay too long? Then you give a time frame when you invite them, and DH backs it up 'we really want you to meet your grandchild, but anxiousmammaa is still quite unwell from the OP, so we're limiting visits to half an hour/an hour'

Same for any other perceived problem.

The birth of a grandchild is massive. Far more then I understood before I became a grandparent There's something that hits you as instinctively as motherhood did. So I honestly believe that a short visit for both sets asap is important. They just need to know and see that you're both okay, and to marvel over this new little person.
You just need to be prepared (and prepare them) for how you want those first visits to be.

Totally. Your own mother is your flesh and blood, your mother in law is a random woman who happens to be related to the man you're partnered up with. If you weren't with that particular man you'd walk past her in the street without even acknowledging her. After having a baby you're expected to entertain her whilst she sees you at your most vulnerable, feeling like crap and trying to breastfeed (if you're doing that) and not bleed everywhere.

I mean some people might love playing happy families with acquired relatives, but not everyone does. Some people are more self conscious, private or perhaps don't particularly like their partner's parents.

There is no way on earth that I (or many others) would feel as comfortable with their MIL as with their own mother and it is ridiculous to say get over it.

Are you having a boy? If so, consider you may be a MIL to your DIL one day and think about how you'd like to be treated.

Why would OP feel as comfortable around MIL as she would around her own mother? It isn't something OP needs to 'get over' at all.

I can only speak from my experience but we had to stay in hospital for 5 days because of me being poorly and then my son being in intensive care with suspected sepsis. People came to visit us the night we came home and we were so happy to show him off. My dad then died suddenly when my baby was 3 weeks old so I can only imagine how I would have felt if I had stopped him seeing him for even just a week after he was born. I was so glad that my dad had as many opportunities as possible to hold the baby before he wasn’t able to anymore. You never know what is around the corner and some things are more important than a ‘baby bubble’

I find it weird people asking to hold other people's babies

It’s not remotely weird to want to hold your grandchild. I’ve never asked, the baby’s just been handed to me.

Good for you for listening to advice - many others don’t.
Please don’t exclude your MIL. Yes they can be pains but she is a granny too and one day you may need her. Imagine if your baby is a boy and you being the one pushed out in 30 odd years time

I disagree with it being unfair to your MIL, we all mostly want our mum's at this stage, I know I would only feel comfortable with my boobs hanging out and leaking everywhere in front of my mum but not with others. It's not on you to put their feelings above yours, it's the most vulnerable you will ever be so have around you who you want. I would probably send a message to parents in law and say "I'm not too sure how I'm going to be feeling after birth but we'll let you know when I'm feeling ready for visitors and look forward to seeing you then." I wouldn't pre empt any rule setting, unless you're feeling particularly anxious about anything in particular (I had a COVID baby so mine was lateral flows before visiting for instance), and would just take it as it comes. If you don't want to hand baby over, just say "maybe next time, I'm still feeling anxious and would rather not" or something to that effect. I find it weird people asking to hold other people's babies, your mum is totally right that it's only the visitor getting enjoyment out of it, not the baby.

Ultimately it’s your baby so you make the rules. Whether others understand it or not isn’t relevant. My kids are older and I couldn’t imagine not having visitors at the hospital or at home. I’d never deny cuddles to anyone. I loved the extra support and help family gave.

But that’s me and you’re you. Id definitely be telling people now how you want things. The last thing you want is to be fretting about these things once you’ve had the hxby;

www.facebook.com/reel/867710191837369?fs=e&s=TIeQ9V

Set those boundaries love. It’s not about being “fair” to anyone else. It’s what is right for YOU. We didn’t have any visitors other than my mum for the first 2 weeks - and the only reason my mum was there was because I had a c-section & we wanted the extra support (she looked after me & my spouse, cooked for us, cleaned etc whilst we focused on the baby). Totally the right decision for us. After the first 2 weeks we had immediate family over to see us for a few hours over the course of about a week so that it wasn’t overwhelming. I found the immediate postpartum period a very vulnerable & emotional time & really think I would have struggled if we have been bombarded with visitors immediately.

Agree with this.

People go on and on about fairness but when it comes down to it it is about the health and well-being of mother and baby and waiting a few days or more is not going to hurt.

My mother didn’t meet our first until he was six weeks old while the in-laws met him at a week old. Due to the behaviour of the in-laws, two week no guests and visitors was agreed for the second and DH said he would make an exception for my mum though because she was more supportive and offered help but I declined because I rather her come after his paternity leave was up which was at the end of the two weeks and that worked out much better. Third child, both my parents were here but that was only because it was around the time of their yearly visit anyway and I went past my due date and in-laws wouldn’t have been able to come anyway because they were busy with their other grandchildren and met baby when she was 4 weeks.

I am 100% of the belief that it is your choice when you are ready for other people meeting your baby. My parents and grandma met my baby the day before he turned 2 weeks old and my partners parents and grandparents met him the day after when he was 2 weeks old. I wouldn’t have thought it was fair for my family to meet him a week or so before them though and I think it would have definitely upset them if I had done that!!

But that first 1-2 weeks is really important to spend as a new little family and if you don’t want anyone else to be there then that is a completely valid choice.

I treated both DM and MIL the same, both welcome to come visit us at the hospital and whenever they wanted when we got home. My MIL actually came everyday as I needed daily injections and was squeamish.

Excepting the nightmare MILs out there, I think it’s so sad how some MIL are kept at arms length. I’m seeing this right now with my brother and my own parents, and it’s been so upsetting for them.

God I would have KILLED to have my family visit when my first was born in April 2020 and it was illegal to see my mum and I had nearly died in childbirth.

My second was ELCS. My mum came to visit at hospital and at home. My in laws came to stay for 3 days the day we got home for hospital. I'm in the minority and like my in laws and it was lovely. My MIL looked after me and baby and FIL helped DH with toddler. Win win. Oh and they cooked all the meals did all the washing and just generally are fantastic.

I think it depends on the people but try to remember your parents and IL will be excited re baby too.

If you're really not sure try wearing baby in a sling but a simple I need them back now will suffice.

You tell them they can come and see you at say 2 o'clock. For an hour, Feed the baby first and if you feel able offer to let her hold the baby, while you go the loo, or make drink, then you can come back and say take a photo for her , then just hold out your arms for baby .
Tell them your a bit tired and going to take baby for a nap so they can visit with DH... bet they go soon...
Next time meet in a pub, garden centre or cafe, away from home, so when your ready you can head home....
If you arrange it you control it...