To ask about your thoughts on visiting newborns…

My DIL wanted a few days after a 'difficult' delivery and we were very happy ti wait.
Many photos were sent.
Of course her own mum was house sitting with the older one and saw baby as soon as they came home.
And that was absolutely fine.
Quite soon we met baby and were encouraged to nurse them.
Many more photographs were taken

I agree with this but then that's just me.

My body specialised in tough pregnancies and births. Both times I appreciated visitors. The end of pregnancy had already been tedious and isolated because of PGP affecting mobility.

First time I had visitors in hospital after I'd gone from HDU to main ward.
Second time BiL was DS2's first visitor. He was due to come to the hospital, but the discharge happened quite abruptly shortly before he was about to travel so he came to our house. I slept through the visit recovering from the endurance feat of getting out of hospital, but it was nice for DH to share our new addition with his DB and cost me nothing.

DS1 was deluged with visitors as it was Christmas, and it was lovely having someone coming by each day. Christmas dinner was cooked and brought to us. I couldn't sit up for more than a couple of hours and guests had no issue with leaving when my energy fizzled or staying with DH's company when I went to bed.

MiL was abroad so she came for a fortnight when pat leave finished and was a total star at helping to keep the house running while I focused on baby. Distance meant that we had an amicable but not close relationship and I value that time that she gave to support both DCs. Thanks to Covid travel and hospital/ carehome restrictions, the last time the DCs saw her was at 6/8 a couple of years before she died, so that fortnight each was a significant part of the time they spent together.

There are times that new parents have to plan their defences in advance for very difficult relatives, but generally it's a shame to put up obstructions to starting those new relationships in advance.

And hygienic bubbles are out of the window for DC2+ when there's germ-ridden siblings in the mix. DS1 kindly brought chicken pox home from nursery 7 weeks in...

It's totally up to you as mother. You might only want your own mum or you feel differently when the time comes but you have every right to time limit interactions. But you may be desperate for adult company!

Everyone has opinions when you have a baby and that can be exhausting.

Hmm when I had my first id have been very lonely and feel neglected if id had no visitors. Babys dad wasn't there for work reasons so my mum stayed with me at the birth and after. If I had shut her out id have been alone dealing with a newborn without anyone even to make me a cuppa.

So all the people going on about germs and bubbles remember not everyone has a handy partner to look after you

Obviously new dads don't have the physical side of things to contend with, but becoming a parent is probably the biggest thing to happen in anyone's life, male or female. When DC1 was born I saw the wave of love hit my DH like a truck. I think my shy, introverted husband would have happily stood on the hospital steps in front of the world's media to show her off like she was heir to the throne.

It was just as special for him to introduce her to his parents as it was for me to introduce her to mine, and given they're nice people and I was in reasonable physical shape (well enough pay EMCS to sit in the bed or on the sofa anyway) I was more than happy to do so even if there were fleeting moments I may have preferred a bit of peace. They didn't stay long and when I needed the baby to feed they handed her over.

@Thepeopleversuswork "I find the whole obsession with who gets to cuddle the newborn first dysfunctional and selfish and I wouldn’t be pandering to it"

I agree. It's horrible. But so is curating who gets to cuddle the newborn first, thinking of it as a transaction (one load of washing =one cuddle) and bizarrely not understanding why people might want to cuddle a newborn.

This is great advice. DP manages the visit with his parents. He will be excited to show off his baby (just as you will be excited to show off to your parents) but he can keep it short and sweet and pluck baby out of their arms when it’s time to hand them back to Mum. This is what my DP did, he would pick baby up and take them for a nappy change then hand them to me when he came back.

Exactly.

For starters, the mother's welfare relies to an extent, on her partner feeling involved and coming to terms with an emotionally (if not physically) massive event in his life. It's the sidelined partners that end up feeling (and being) useless, the involved dads that are empowered to step up and support her.

After my nephew was born, I overheard my DH and BIL sharing their experiences of the births and early days of being a father. My DH had never said any of this stuff to me. About the anxiety he felt during the birth, the inadequacy he felt in those early days etc.

It's ultimately in the mother's interests that the father and his family are not entirely ignored in those early days. And yes, he's allowed to share that huge love and pride in his child and his partner, and have his own family available to share his emotions with.

I find the whole obsession with who gets to cuddle the newborn first dysfunctional and selfish and I wouldn’t be pandering to it.

Adults using a tiny infant as an opportunity for oneupmanship with other family members is beneath contempt. I find the idea of grandparents rushing to insert themselves into the new family deeply odd too. Why can’t they just wait?

The idea that one set of grandparents is going to be “heartbroken” because they have the wait a couple more days is pathetic. I will never understand why well adjusted adults can’t put the needs of a post partum woman and a day old child ahead of their own for a couple of days.

@Meadowfinch "The only thing that matters is the well being of mother and child"
That is obviously the most important thing. It is not the ONLY thing that matters.

I don’t know where I said I know how it would feel to be a grandmother, only that I would wait to be invited, which I would.

Plenty of people imagine how it will feel to be a mother, an aunt or whatever, that’s nature.

I’m glad you had a lovely MIL, and I see plenty of your posts saying that you are a considerate MIL too and sticking up for MILs, but my MIL is overbearing (with all DILs, not just me but I suppose it gives us something to bond over).

Yanbu. Newborns don't need visiting.
The only welcome visitors are ones who are very quick and helpful. I've never forgotten being in pain, worn out and trying to put on a brave face with baby number 1.
Didn't have visitors for baby number 2. So much better.

Obviously, but not every woman feels the same after giving birth and that should be considered and respected.

I allowed friends and family to visit me in ICU when I was hooked up to all sorts after giving birth, because I think people visiting after birth can take me how they find me and I loved sharing that time with people important to me.

In your position, I think I'd allow both sets of GPs to visit but I don't think it would be wrong to ask for visiting to be limited to half an hour or an hour if that's what you prefer.

The only hard and fast rule I had was no visitors on the third day. Third day hormones are something else and I didn't need visitors when I was so emotional.

My DD let us know that they were planning on having a few days by themselves after the birth, which I absolutely understood. So the morning after the birth, I dropped off a little bag of gifts at the maternity ward reception (as I knew DD was having to stay in an extra night due to complications) and then headed off to do some baby shopping in town. I'd only just got to my car when my son in law phoned me to say 'where are you? Come back and see us!'. I was given the baby to hold, and when I left, they were phoning his parents to invite them to visit!

So yes, you don't know how you're going to feel until it happens.

f.

I find some of these responses astonishing. The only thing that matters is the well being of mother and child. All these 'waiting at the hospital door' types would have me booking quietly into a completely different hospital.

When I had ds, my hormones went into overdrive and I hated anyone except his dad coming close, even being in the room. I bit my tongue for the healthcare team but I was stressed & fit to rip the arms off any one else.

That went on for about two weeks until I calmed down. As an older mum, there were no grandparents to include/exclude and we invited family and friends after that.

Yanbu OP, this is the one time when your comfort comes first and what others want is completely irrelevant. Set your boundaries early. Plenty of time for wider family bonding when you feel ready.

Anyone with any manners would wait to be invited.

PP mothers may have birth injuries or raging hormones, there may be anxieties about the baby, all worrying medical stuff and PRIVATE.

Birth announcements, photos etc are lovely but beyond that, people need to respect the parents' space.

I think when the time comes round you will likely want to show off your baby! It’s a magical time. There is nothing more precious than that little bundle and yes, everyone wants to be a part of it.

If you choose to allow visitors I would make sure that it is on your terms. Tell them when it is convenient. Tell them you are only doing short visits and make sure your husband is on the same script too. If you think the MIL will over stay, arrange for her to come an hour or two before an appointment so she has no choice but to leave when you say.

I think great idea to discuss this with DH in advance and make sure you're on the same page - whatever page that is. But I'd be prepared that what you want might change once the baby is here.

DH and I were planning to ask all family to give us a few days at home so we could get used to things, as DD was expected to come a few weeks early. However, when it came to it we had to stay in hospital for a week afterwards. As that went on we were itching to get back to normal so we got big visits out of the way in hospital, and by the time we got home we could have a bit more quiet time.

All the best for the rest of your pregnancy 💐

When I had my DS the first person who actually got to visit him was SIL. Now we got on ok ish if not particularly close but Id never been so glad to see her as on that day. DS had been born in the morning and by that evening I was starving as nothing decent to eat ( obv not pre booked meal as wasn't even meant to be in that hospital) SIL lived 5 mins drive away and brought me a lovely hot meal plus some small gifts. She didn't try to pick up DS but I told her to feel free to do so. So she cuddled him while I ate my nectar lol.

She had 3 kids herself, the youngest only 10 months at the time.

MIL lived a few minutes from me so once I was home the following day I popped round to see her. Stayed for an hour then went home OH was working that night so would've been quite lonely and boring if id not seen a soul all day.

To me part of us having a baby was moments our baby had with other people, sure if mums want they can do this 'I gave birth now I own this baby and you will all do what I demand' but people have been having babies for thousands of years the world doesn't stop because someone gives birth

It’s YOUR postpartum journey and you need to do what’s best for you! Don’t listen to people saying it’s unfair. Your relationship with your mum is obviously going to be entirely different from the one with your MIL because your mum raised you, it’s natural! Also facetime exists! And is very convenient at having people see the baby in real time. Set your boundaries now because it’ll only get harder to set them later on down the line :)) Good luck momma xo

1000000% I loved having DM and DD over as they both helped. DM had hot food ready when we got home. The house was organized. Breakfast was made the next day and between nursing sessions DM would hold and cuddle DS. I could shower and nap and she would come get me when DS needed a feed.
When she left I was so lost.