To ask about your thoughts on visiting newborns…

I think it's ok to say that you don't want visitors at the hospital at all and for people to wait to come and see the baby at home if you want that time just you three.

I did actually allow my parents and in laws to visit us in hospital but not my siblings/siblings in law as I said it would be too much. (Both me and dh are from big families.)

Then I think you should allow people to come round for a cup of tea and a cuddle but absolutely let them know if it's getting to the point where you need a nap and for them to leave.

Most people know not to visit a newborn baby with any coughs or colds. And sorry I think it would be harsh to let your mum come round straight away but make mil wait.

It’s completely up to you - it doesn’t matter if it’s fair or not. You’re the one giving birth and you should have the final say. Some people won’t like that, but I repeat - they are not the ones who have gone through child birth🤷🏼‍♀️
Do what works for you.

Set expectations beforehand. Better to give more than they expect when baby comes than less and have to argue to protect your own mental health pp.

I don't think it is unfair to take a different approach with mum vs MIL - one is there primarily to support the person who has just given birth who may be feeling very poorly and/or vulnerable. If I had children, I would expect to have a different relationship with a DD vs a DIL and wouldn't expect a DIL to treat us the same. I might wish for the same access but would understand it is different and it doesn't matter what I want in that scenario! I would also feel comfortable with my mum seeing me in any physical/emotional state, but don't have that relationship with MIL.
I find this idea that wider family has a 'right' to the baby odd. I'd not make any firm plans - say that you are going to see how you feel and your partner will let her know once the baby is born if a visit pre holiday is feasible, otherwise there will be plenty of times for visits after her hol. Good luck!

Umm days old new borns need a mum that's all.

Op one tends to find with respectful relatives who don't demands in usual life :there would be nothing to worry about.
Unfortunately we find the ones who behave selfishly are the ones we of course worry about when we are vulnerable.

Op don't worry about anything else except you and baby. You're the unit and must come first.

When you feel ready and not before allow visitors and before the visit prime dh on code words of when to get them to leave.

Imo for the first couple of months they only need their mum and the tribe is necessary to do everything else for the mum!

Hmm. Not so sure about the evolutionary aspect. Babies need tribes!

The thing is that at first the mother and baby still are pretty much like one being, see the concept of the mother-baby diad. So saying someone could come and visit the baby and wouldn't have to be in the same room and that would somehow mean that it wouldn't bother the mother isn't accurate for most people. And it's not mothers being precious or hysterical or selfish, it's a very effective protective instinct gifted to us by evolution. We have to navigate the very powerful primal feelings brought up by giving birth and nursing a tiny baby and somehow operate within the expectations of the society in which we live.

The new mom decides. I personally have no expectations; I’d only show up if and when invited ( that being hours, days, weeks or months).
I suppose it’d be less stressful later on for you if you set expectations in advance.

Keep in mind you may feel really rough for a few weeks after the section and welcome the help, even MIL.

I thought I'd bounce back like the first time, but my second section left me exhausted, nauseous, in pain and struggling to do basic tasks like washing and dressing (baby and myself). Baby wasn't gaining weight at first so had a stream of midwives, breastfeeding support workers etc doing daily home visits. Despite bf my first easily, with second baby struggled with latch so had to supplement with formula as well as expressing every 3 hours. I was very grateful to have MIL around to wash and sterilise breastpumps, make up bottles, hold baby while I took my time to shower or dress (both painful and tiring). She also took baby downstairs to allow me to sleep undisturbed for a few hours. And she brought me cups of tea, food, reminded me to take meds, helped me hobble around bedroom. When I had to go ihto hospital for a night due to complications, she and FIL and DH cared for baby at home so I could focus on getting well.

I don't want to sound negative, just reminding you that bubble might not be something you want once it comes to it. Hopefully your recovery will be smooth with minimal pain. But if it isn't you might want and need family support.

I agree with that, reaching decisions together with good compromise within reason.

For example, if OP is uncomfortable with her in law's hanging onto the baby too long and needs to be weighed against husband's wish to introduce grandchild, maybe the husband can make clear it's half an hour for a quick initial visit and then plan a time later for a longer one. Not saying husband's feelings are paramount but just not great to come across as "it's either my way or the highway" either. Best to agree on set parenting values and navigate together for a balanced relationship.

I agree that the partners preference and wishes should be considered too. Ideally you makes these decisions together and come to a good compromise.

However, within reason. If the partner wanted to invite his entire football team round two days after baby arrives would that be OK and within his rights as the dad to decide? Or would we consider that the mum's wishes of what she feels comfortable with at a very vulnerable point in her life should have slightly higher priority.

You may think these situations are very different. In my view they are not. Op has voiced why her in laws would make her feel uncomfortable in those first few days. She has not said that she is denying anyone access to the baby forever more.

If all it takes for her in-laws not to want to babysit is not seeing the baby fresh out of the womb, then she is better off.

There is no guarantee that the in-laws will babysit simply because they held the baby right after it was born.

My own in-laws were the first to see our oldest (stayed with us for five days) and see all our kids more than my parents do (they live in another country) and have never offered to babysit once. We have always had to ask in advance. I was even told I shouldn’t have gone out for 90 minutes by MIL when we were on holiday because DH had both of our sons. Not only was he not alone at the time, but his siblings and their spouses and kids were there too and it was five adults to four kids. It was the only moment I had to myself in months with two under 5 and DH and I had talked beforehand about me going out.

Entirely up to you op you're the one giving birth. I also had a section and I'm quite a private person so I told everyone we were going to give ourselves 2 weeks at home just to recover and get to grips with things. Then because I felt up to it, we had our in laws round the day I got home for a very brief visit and then a proper longer visit at the end of the week, and my parents came up on day 3 (longer journey for them). Then we started having other family the second week. But I was kind of glad I'd set the expectation that it would be longer so I could see how I felt without pressure.

In our case feeding was very difficult and we were told not to have any more visitors in the second week because ds wasn't gaining. I was delighted to see visitors but I felt very vulnerable and sore so they also really exhausted me so I'd say it's important to pace yourself.

OP is about if it's ok for her mum to visit her first and delay the in-law's visit. My points are around the first meeting.

However, if your MIL forcefully takes your baby from you everytime she visits, that's a different matter as the husband should also step in and sort the MIL out to establish boundaries.

Of course women do the heavy load in carrying and birthing the baby and should be priority where it comes to her own health and body. I don't think men should weigh in on the birth plan and whether or not she would like to breast feed. But for who can visit his child (OP doesn't need to be in the room) I think his feelings should be considered. There can be compromises if he can agree to boundaries. There's a whole lot of assumption here that MIL will be dreadful without even letting her meet the baby first. If after letting her husband have his moment of first introduction of the baby and it went bad, then there is more case to tell husband that he needs to work on his mother if they are to continue letting her visit.

The problem here is the assumption that OP will want to pass the baby on and go take a shower. Not true and these assumptions are where problems occur. My MIL assumed I would want her to hold baby for hours so I could shower/sleep/eat/pump/do house work. It was very damaging that she made that decision for me and essentially took my baby off me while I was trying to establish breastfeeding and I felt added pressure to have the house presentable and have myself up and dressed. Everyone is different, and in the early days it’s about what mum and baby need most. It also depends on the type of relationship you have with the person helping and of course your own personality type will inform how you feel ie do you want company or would you rather have space etc. DH hasn’t just birthed a baby and is in recovery, so in this instance his needs shouldn’t be prioritised over the mother.

This post isn't about having OP's mum at the birth being a support person or even having her mum staying at home helping her out with recovery though. It's about which grandparent OP wants to have come as a "visitor" capacity because in OP's mind, her mum only holds the baby for a minute and her mum is more interested in her.

Rather than framing those as "people pleasers" negatively, marriage is about mutual respect and consideration of partners and their family. Just like how the husband presumably supported OP throughout the pregnancy, if physical condition allows for visitors, is this "bubble" worth sacrificing her husband's moment to show his mother who he presumably loves, her grandchild? You can argue it's only a few days later but it's the conversation with the husband that's "I don't want your mother to visit until later because I think she would hold onto the baby for too long, she's not a good support to me and she's not interested in my health. But my mother should come and visit me now". The child is equally the husband's, if you want his equal involvement with parenting, then his needs should be weighed in.

It is also a blessing for the child to be loved and wanted. Personally, it is a joy just to see the child being treasured and doted on. All the things about germs will be out the door when you are thick in newborn phase and need sleep or take a shower. You will want to pass the baby to anyone available and not obviously sick.

It's your baby and your partner's.

Best mother in law 👏🏻 mine was the same & we have a lovely relationship

Am I missing something?

Firstly the need to have your own mum close just after birth or even at birth is a completely different thing to in laws. It is you who physically goes through that. And it is natural you would lean on your mum for support if you have a good relationship.

Presumably you aren't saying you won't let them see the baby at all as a newborn. You just want a few days. I think most people would fully understand that. But do you need to broadcast who has and hasn't seen the baby??? Why would they even know. Could you not tell your mum to keep it on the down low so not to cause upset.

A lot of people pleasers on this thread! I'm shocked tbh.

Is it totally wrong to want to see my mum soon after but not MIL for a few days more

As long as you never want your in-laws to babysit etc.! I suppose your other half will have to suck up having his in-laws around.

It's not unreasonable to want a baby bubble but also you may change your mind as for some people this bit can be isolating.

Obviously some guests are better than others, someone who can see the dishwasher needs unloading or a wash needs putting on whilst you hold your baby can really help. That said there might be times when passing the baby to someone else to hold so you can have shower and take 10 minutes out is also useful.

Exactly
Just how I feel as a mil.
Hope this puts your mind at rest op.

THIS
I've noticed people are delaying birth announcements on Facebook/ instagram etc ...
Then saying 'we have kept this quiet until now but dd / ds was born .....'
Thus preventing an avalanche of visitors.
Don't blame them.