No hen do because I actually have no friends 😔

I was always told I'm a great person but like you have no friends.
No birthday parties as a kid, Very isolated as a child / teen.
Met hubby who is ,like me a great person but also friendless.
Myself and my hubby just had a joint get together in pub with a few folk before our wedding
Wedding was very small,13 of us including us.
Had a big family of 5 kids to make up for lack of friends I guess .
Never had visitors when I had babies,no baby showers, no parties at Christmas or new year.
No cards or presents.
We are both friendless .
Now I'm 66 and he is 72
We are each others best friend but
I dread to think what will happen when one of us pops their clogs,

OP, you are not a loser!

You've had some lovely suggestions of things you might chose to do instead of a hen. About your sadness about your lack of friends - you may still make friends in the future. I'm retired, and I think friends can be collected at different times of your life and in different circumstances. For example I am friends with someone I met at a coffee morning after DC1 was born 38 years ago and neither of us knew anyone else with a new baby; with someone I met at a pilates class; two people from an art class; one old school friend; a man I met on holiday 50 years ago (just a friend) and a couple of other people. I am friends with someone I met on an overcrowded train full of men commuting home after work and the men wouldn't move up to make room for me and she rolled her eyes and we both started laughing, and then chatting.

I read all the posts above - and suddenly realised that I didn't have a hen party either. At the time I didn't even notice. And I hadn't realised till just now. 🙄

I can understand your sadness, please do whatever will make you feel ok, something outdoors and wild, something out of the ordinary, something extravagant and posh or something totally ordinary. As much or as little as you want to do.

I got married 20 years ago, and for my 'Hen do' I went for a posh dinner with my Mum, my sister, 2 friends and my future SIL, we had a lovely evening! DH had a traditional Stag - pub crawl with 10 of his friends, brother and my Dad.

However, if we were getting married now, in our mid (me) to late (DH) 40's, neither of us would have anyone other than family to invite - I think for some people, the number of friends you have diminishes as you get older.

My DSis got married a few years ago and she is a hugely sociable soul - I organised her Hen, and there were 40-odd women on the guest list, and 35 of them liked my sister enough to spend nearly £400 and give up a whole weekend to celebrate with her - a couple of women even flew in from abroad! She had a brilliant weekend, but it was definitely not my idea of a good time (I don't think I even know 40 people well enough to invite for a coffee, let alone a whole weekend)!

I would just do whatever makes you happy, and try not to worry what other people will think. This is your time, and if you choose to spend it with your Fiancé on his Stag, or alone on a beach, as long as you are enjoying yourself, that's literally all that matters - congratulations!

I suppose my question is what would make you happy? Like I don't know you, I don't know your views on life, whether you are marrying your first boyfriend or even whether it's your first husband. But I think the traditional ideas of a "hen do" are defunct. For many their wedding night won't be the first time they've had sex with this person. Many will have done the deed with others, and with the one they are about to marry. Many won't have given up on jobs or careers, because now they are marrying they will only be a housewife, and most I would think will still have days, even maybe nights, with their female friends even after marriage. What I am saying is that a hen do is just a chance to do something that makes you happy really. It doesn't have to be a big group, or drunk and rowdy or anything.

All those things are very expensive and time consuming. OP has kids and no money for fitness classes so I can see why she doesn't do them regularly.
You don't make friends going to things 'once a month' IME, even if you go to the socials you're surrounded by people planning the next activity based meetup. The other stuff comes after , not before.

I like a few of these things like climbing but don't want to pay £££ every time I want to do it. So I chose pole dance (quite a few studios in my area), bought a pole and it's great.

I do think people choosing to move to a s town or similar need to consider all this stuff.

Are you an introvert? I am and I don't have any friends really but it's my own fault because I don't reach out or make the first move.

I wonder if it might help to change the definition in your head of what a hen party means - it doesn’t necessarily mean a big social gathering. The point is that you’re celebrating your “last night of freedom” (I know that’s more associated with a traditional stag, but there’s not another phrase that really encapsulates what I’m about to say).

So instead of thinking you’re missing out on a party, think about what you’d like to do as your last opportunity to do it properly before you get married. Maybe that is the solo trip somewhere amazing you said about earlier in the thread? Maybe there’s somewhere you’d love to go that you know your soon-to-be DH wouldn’t enjoy.

So maybe a mindset shift from “I’m missing out on a hen party” to “I have this opportunity to do something for me before I get married” might help you see the positives?

Have a bridal shower with your family with a few drinks and games.
Or go and get pampered for a night at a swanky place with a friend or colleague or relative when he has his stag. It will probably be nicer than a traditional drunken hen. I still cringe remembering the drunken drama at mine that I could have done without!

Is there online things you can join where people in a similar situation are looking to make friends? There will be lots of people in this same situation where they have no one to ask...it could be that there's a best friend waiting to happen that you haven't found yet.

Who are the "Everyone has beennasking me if I am having a hen do" these sound like the people who want to be at your hen do????

I just went out for a meal with my mum and sister before the wedding. I didn’t think anything of it.

Op you have a mum, sister and friend of 17 years!! You definitely have enough there to have a hen do even if it's just a meal out.

Does your partner have a sister or are you friends with any of his mates partners? Have you got a work colleague you could invite as well?

Friendships take effort, you have to be brave and suggest going out etc not wait to be invited to things.

I’d like you as a friend! You are obviously well travelled. I have friends who have moved all over and we see each other and it’s like no time has passed. The friends who got married young, never been anywhere, are the ones who are in “different places.”

I must be unusual as I love having conversations with friends/people who have completely different lives, goals, outlooks and opinions on life. Makes for interesting chat - you learn and have your opinion changed on a topic. Being closed off leads to this situation where you have no friends.

OK don't have a hen do then. But from the fact you've posted I take it you regret not having more friends. Its often about just making an effort. Get a hobby, join a club, invite people for coffee.

However if you're planning to have kids you'll go to baby groups and can meet friends there anyway.

Why not have a weekend away with your mum and sister and do go karting or something? You don't have to have a 'girly' weekend if you don't want to! Or invite a few colleagues for a meal out at a fun venue, there's themed bars that do crazy golf, darts, cocktail making?

If you would enjoy a weekend away in Europe with you mum do that. I think generally hen dos are a waste of money and can be a bit ‘enforced fun’ especially if people don’t know each other.

i couldn’t have one either. I am the person who went to everyone’s birthdays, hens, weddings, etc etc chased up with people, travelled around the country to see people. In return, absolutely nothing.
I actually had enough and stopped making an effort and basically have been dumped I think as I don’t hear from people if I don’t chase them.

You sound like my sort of person!

I'm in my early 40s and got my black belt kick boxing last year! I organised my friends hen and we did a high ropes thing!

I'd perhaps see if the couple of nice people you work with want to go to the Go Ape thing with you as a hen party as your sister and friend live too far away.

I've never been to a hen do. Never been invited. when I got married we did a joint meal out with family the night before the wedding.

I wanted to post op to say please don't worry about this. For starters you don't have to have a hen do. It didn't even cross my mind to have one. I did have a few friends but not lots and I certainly wouldn't mix them all together, with family too, in weird forced event. Secondly I think a lot of hen dos/baby showers etc basically involve people who aren't really good friends at all and are there to make up the numbers. How many posts are there on here about people who don't really want to go to these events? I know loads of people irl who get invited to these sorts of things and don't know why as they barely know the person. So whilst it may feel like everyone else has massive friendship circles I don't think that's based on reality.

What would your ideal hen do be like OP?

im wondering how much of your lack of friends is actually lack of confidence? You’re too scared to tell people you want a hen do so you lie & based on your current lack of involvement in social events they’re going to believe you. Maybe start telling people you’d love one but don’t know where to begin and be honest about worrying no one would come.

When people describe you as nice to others they’re not saying that to be kind, if you’re not there to hear it they have no reason to lie. You’re likeable so you have the potential to be friends but something is holding you back and in turn that holds them back.

I’m older than you and I say this as someone who has to learn all this the hard way. I have lost all my friends over the years - not through fights or arguments but mostly because of my lack of confidence and their not wanting to have to deal with my constant lack of confidence that shows even when I think it doesn’t.

If you plan a do and two people show up, it’s two friends you didn’t expect. It’s really scary taking that risk but could the what ifs and loneliness be even worse?

How much effort do you put into friendships? Do you ask people out for coffee, follow up and make sure you check in via texts to see how they are? I think it’s really important to try and peruse friendships of your own generally.
With regards to your hen, what do you want to do? Who is it you’d want there? The whole idea is to have fun before your wedding with people who aren’t your partner. Do something nice with your mum and go away if you like. What you’d normally enjoy doing I suppose.

ummmmm….this is perhaps a slightly unkind “boast”’given the nature of the OP’s problem!

I doubt you meant it that way, but still…

I have the same issue. My friends all moved abroad! Not within Europe, 1 went to USA, 3 in Africa and 1 in the Middle east. Left me alone and when I turned 30 realised had no friends close to home to do things with. I tried massively to be more outgoing to get involved but never formed friendships that are meaningful. Very one sided I make a massive effort but not reciprocated. I miss my best friends so much!!
When I got married my hen party was just 2 people, 2 younger cousins like 10 years younger who I get on with but due to age, they are too cool to be seen with me. So wasn't what I wanted at all. But it was something. 2 cousins, Mum and Aunty. That was it.