No hen do because I actually have no friends 😔

OMG you are me, down to interests, the same age, the limited friendships (and getting on better with males) and living in Norfolk!

One of my friends moved to a city ages away from her social circle and didn’t really click with anyone at work so downloaded a friend making app, and has made a few good friends that way. Why not try it?

Who are you inviting to the wedding? Or is it very small? Do you not have any mum friends through your kids or work friends? What about your friends from before you met your dh?

No, that's not true op, you are a nice person, everyone deserves friends.

I think joint hen and stags are fine it that's what people want to do, but I think it would be a bit strange/awkward for the bride to be tagging along solo on a stag weekend.

Two of my friends had a joint stag and hen do. It was really lovely and inclusive. Do that!

There are definitely terrible people with a decent amount of friends, just as there are horrible people with long lasting marriages and awful people with great jobs, and so on….

But I would say it makes sense that part of being a good friend (as opposed to just proclaiming yourself as a “likeable” or “lovely person” ) is actually about that effort and showing up for the people you count as friends - and that’s not a bad thing.

Why should I turn up to someone’s hen or birthday event because they claim they’re a great person when they’ve not actively been a friend to me?

People’s time and energy is limited and many of us want to spend it with people we enjoy being with and who are genuinely interested in us . And vice-versa - if someone doesn’t enjoy being spending time with me and isn’t interested in me beyond me filling a seat at their events I’d rather not bother as that’s not the kind of “friendship” I want to have.

There are 2 issues here. 1) the hen party snd 2) do you want more friends?

Would the hen party be soonish or next year? If it's soonish, I would just take the pressure off, accept it's not happening, say you are not really that traditional and don't want to organise it. No biggie.

Then if you really want to cultivate more friendships. Set about that in a determined way. Join women's groups of hobbies you are interested in. Join a choir, a walking group. I think making friends in your 40s is hard but not impossible.

The more I go through life the more I learn that someone’s friend count doesn’t have any association with how good a person or how likeable they are. It’s just about people who consistently show up for stuff. I know some really nasty bitchy people with kids of friends who are just sociable and will
turn up to loads of stuff and make loads of effort and I know lovely people who don’t have a lot of people around them. I always think anyone can have friends if you are willing to put in the effort needed to form a friendship.

if you feel a bit lonely start making friendships from
your acquaintances or maybe you are just one of those people that cannot be bothered with people’s BS lol

OP only one person has ever asked if I had a hen do. When I said no, admittedly she looked quite shocked & a bit embarrassed - the reaction you're fearing. Because I owned it, the reaction didn't bother me, but at least it was a rarely asked question.

I've spoken to many people who didn't do stags or hens, mainly because they didn't get around to planning it / feel the need - the wedding celebration was enough.

For me, birthdays was triggering and not having enough friends to do a parties etc. I suppose for you, this hen is triggering so I can relate.

I find with friendships, you need to keep on making them at whatever age and stage, they come and go! So you end up very well practiced.

@Dancenunderthemoon

Makes a very good point:

"I think some people don’t get that and think friends are like actors who should pop up and play a role in their life for a particular occasion . True friends are people you’ve valued and really got to know and spent time with over the years".

If you want friends you have to make the effort and invest the time.

If you want to go biking down a hill :

"I’m more of a lets mountain bike down this dirt trail, go karting, ball sports, snowboarding, adrenaline fuelled activities kind of person. "

then great, get doing that then! And I'm sure you'll find like minded people to do it with.

Op in your last post you never said anything about what you are going to change, or what you are going to do to change this, not necessarily for the hen do itself, but for friendships generally.

You do say you'd like a group to go away with for the weekend, but you haven't said anything about what you are going to actually do, to create or strengthen the friendships, into a friend/s with whom you can do those things.

You've been offered loads of great advice but don't seem to have taken any of it onboard. So moving forward, what will you do to change things?

This sounded like me over 25 years ago. No real friends to invite to anything, so I didn’t. Spent the evening at home with my mum and aunt who were not the most exciting, landed up eating then watching TV. The wedding was small, no friends.no bridesmaids as had no one in family to ask. Years later I still have no friends but now the kids have grown up, I’m definitely going to try to find some to nurture a relationship with.

Have a wonderful day OP and do what works for you!

I think maybe a hen do is a bit too studenty for a busy Mum like you. Most women your age have moved beyond having a group of female friends to go on a hen do with. You are clearly friends with your fiancés best man. I’d do something g with your joint friends.

I sent you a PM :)

Ugh that sucks ! And that’s the flipside, while I do maintain people need to invest in friendships and can’t expect people to attend their celebrations if they didn’t bother developing friendships, sometimes you can do all the right things and people just don’t reciprocate ever.

You did well to stop chasing those people though, one sided friendships aren’t really friendships. I have definitely ended friendships if I sense it’s all me making an effort. One friend I know is so bad at keeping in contact but once I stopped texting almost 18 months went by and hadn’t heard from her so I messaged her earlier this year. She replied all excited saying she would travel to my city and visit soon and she’d call me that weekend for a catch up . That was back in May. Haven’t heard from her since, no ill feeling towards her but I’ve decided I won’t message her again if I don’t hear from her.

My DSis got married a few years ago and she is a hugely sociable soul - I organised her Hen, and there were 40-odd women on the guest list, and 35 of them liked my sister enough to spend nearly £400 and give up a whole weekend to celebrate with her - a couple of women even flew in from abroad! She had a brilliant weekend, but it was definitely not my idea of a good time (I don't think I even know 40 people well enough to invite for a coffee, let alone a whole weekend)!

That’s impressive @OliveWah I also don’t know if I have 40 people to invite for a coffee let alone a hen party and I’d say I’m fairly sociable!😆 A celebration of that size is not my cup of tea for a hen party either, but I think it’s great your sister has so many good friends and she was able to have the sort of hen party that she wanted!

She has obviously invested time, energy and effort into these women over the years and been a great friend and she’s receiving that back. I think some people don’t get that and think friends are like actors who should pop up and play a role in their life for a particular occasion . True friends are people you’ve valued and really got to know and spent time with over the years and as a result of that bond they went to attend your hen or your 40th or whatever.

I know a girl who threw herself a baby shower, no-one turned up except her mum and sister and nieces. She probably wonders why but seeing how little she invests in her friendships and her friends kids I totally understand. She wanted the “village” when it suited her and it doesn’t often work like that.

Maybe it's a chance to get to know some of those acquaintances better. Ive been to a hen party where Id met the Bride and Groom twice before and that was at a wedding and an engagement party. The groom was my then DH's old friends he hadn't seen for years.

Check out the movie ‘Yes Man’ (not a spoiler), and see the hen party is work people and some who just recently came into the picture and none of her friends.

I like the sound of your preferred activities.. there are women who enjoy these things.. Pretty Gritty Women .. for example. I have also found other hiking and swimming groups and in my late mid 30's, went on a women's snowboarding week in Morzine... it is challenging but not impossible to find kindred spirits. My best hiking buddy was not someone I would have gravitated towards if we met socially but we are perfect hiking and cross country skiing buddies and have become great friends.

My daughter is 17 and has struggled to convince her friends to do the things she enjoys and we have searched together to find ways to find her people... there were options.. especially for women in the 20's..

As for your hen... I am sorry you don't have a crew you can have a night out with to mark this event in your life..

OP, I also think Hen parties are overrated. I actively avoid them. They are always uncomfortable, there’s always drama with someone. Going out for dinner and drinks with a few willy straws is one thing. But Christ, when it turns into a £700 trip to Tenerife for a long weekend of repeatedly getting ready for happy hour and puking on a sailboat: I’m unavailable for that. No thanks.

I never had a hen. Didn’t miss it.
Lots of my friends haven’t had them.

Go on that spa trip with your mum! Sounds wonderful.