How to stop DD embarrassing me?

Of course it is. So when my son has a meltdown at school and has hit out at an adult, you think they should have hit him back as well? Or should I have waited until he got home and give him the smack around then?

Like I said, I feel so sorry for your children. You evidently have little insight into the broad spectrum of SEN. You read exactly like a close relative of mine did to be honest with you, scarily enough she also worked very closely in SEN and had the same views you did. Didn’t end well for her professionally or in her personal life.

The lack of awareness of how neurodiversity can manifest and how it should be handled on this thread is absolutely shocking. I thought we'd learned to do better than that.

I have a dd with ASD but whether your dd is ND or not op, one suggestion for tackling this is preparation.

Break it down in to smaller steps. And it’s imperative that you remain very calm yourself.

It’s helpful to not to focus too much on what’s going wrong; but focus on what to do instead.

So talk to her at home when it’s calm. She’s not too old to role play it. Have fun pretending she’s playing at the park, play hide and seek or something, then tell her to stop and call her over to you. Role play over-excitedness. And role play calming down. Praise her when she comes when called. Then swap roles!

Then firmly but gently check she understands, and tell her clearly that she only gets park time with her friends if she agrees to stop and come to you straightaway. And that she must try and remain calm and she must never ever hit you ever again - and explain why - and that she will have all screens time taken away immediately if she does it again. (Follow through on this. Never threaten a punishment you don’t carry out.)

Then go back to playing and having fun and end on a positive note.

And talk to her a lot in other situations about managing her feelings. Read children’s books about this and work on it in other situations. Use a traffic light system if you need to. Teach box breathing to lessen frustration.

Then when you are invited on the next play date, remind her again. Clearly and calmly remind her of your agreement to come when called. And tell her she won’t go unless you get her agreement.

Then remind her again in situ just before the play date starts.

Then on the play date itself, a short while,before she is due to stop playing, tell her that you will soon be calling her to stop and come straight over to you, and say something like “I know I can trust you to do what we practised” .

If she misbehaves take her straight home and say, “we are not going on play dates until I can trust you to come when called”. Grey rock any protests and follow through.

Later on, when she asks to go on a play date, appear reluctant and say “I’m not sure because you don’t come when I call, and the time before that, I got hit by you” . She will promise to come straightaway and keep trying it until she gets it.

At the supermarket. In the playground. In the park.

All of this sounds like a faff but giving her a “system” to work with to lessen her frustration plus concrete steps to follow in practice usually works. And lots of praise of course for when she gets it right.

How long has this been going on? (Sorry if I missed that) if it’s forever yes I think worth checking for neurodiversity but if recent also worth thinking about whether she’s being bullied/ hit by anyone.
It can’t be being spoilt because surely brother would be the same?

I’m not the one who puts up with being hit from my child.

you do. You also haven’t been able to stop it either, as they did it again didn’t they?

how many times has your child or children hit you?

if they have hit you more than once, then that’s your fault.

I’m assuming you haven’t been very honest with them then.

…and my child also hit me .. I say this with it without shame .. and I never hit her back - a ridiculous way of escalating a situation

Well behaved at school, does not mean not-ND … not does “being able to have conversation” or “making eye contact”

My daugher was not diagnosed until 17, we went through 4 awful years before that if EBSA, Anxiety, Depression, self-harm etc. Nobody mentioned this might all come down to ASD, as she was “ok at school”

She had meltdowns, violent ones, and hit me .. not because she is a bad person, but because she couldn’t cope.

I changed how I parented, and at 18 we have a great relationship.

You will her parents of NT children telling you things like “switch the WiFi off, take away her gadgets” (like that solves ASD meltdowns). Honestly, save yourself a few years of misery, and look into parenting ND children, I wish someone would have given me some advice when I had a raging child, and everyone else seemed to be coping fine.

I’ve already said my children have hit out at me, I have no shame in admitting it. One of my children is globally delayed with high needs. But children in general can all have moments of disregulation.

Please tell these professionals what you said here. Because you’re right, you probably wouldn’t be initially investigated. But one bad bump at home mixed in with you gleefully saying you’d hit your sen child, well someone may start taking your psychopathic stance seriously.

If asked, yes I would tell them.

do your children hit you?

I have a feeling you will say no, even if they do.

It seems that almost every single post on mumsnet has a reply of ‘are they ND?’ People are obsessed with trying to diagnose other people’s kids. It’s like people can’t accept kids can just behave badly without being ND

Do you tell those professionals that you’d hit your child hard if they hit you? Would you be happy to say that to sen coordinators or teachers? I suspect you wouldn’t because you know how awful it is and would absolutely flag you as a safeguarding risk.

It's not going to reinforce the message that hitting is wrong very effectively, is it?

Children are not item of clothing, you can’t label them. Either the OP’s child has a disability or she does not. She is reading as a child with a disability for us of us who have experience in that area. If that is the case, she and her mum need adequate support. Even if she’s not ND, feeling like she has to hit out at her mum when frustrated sounds like her parents need to look further into it than just removing items. Otherwise emotional disregulation by the teen years will be tenfold. But then again ND in girls really can come to the forefront by the teen years anyway, and so much worse if undiagnosed.

My children are very lucky to have me, I’m told this time and time again by professionals and family and friends.

ive fought tooth and nail for my children over the years to ensure they have every support they need in all areas of life.

i have no issues with my parenting, if anyone were to report me (very unlikely) social services would laugh in their face

Absolutely have your daughter assessed to see if she's ND. That won't mean, by the way, that you'll be expected to put up with being punched: you can still deal with the behaviour, but an assessment will let you know what strategies are likely to work and help find coping strategies for your DD that fit her needs. She may well not be ND, but if she's having actual meltdowns I'd want to make damn sure before I started punishing her for them, to make sure you're punishing something she has a choice about. ND people can mask exceptionally well, as many others on this thread have noted, so her being able to mask at school isn't itself proof of anything.

She does sound incredibly spoilt. She punched you for heaven's sake. You let her do exactly as she wants. You really need to get this under control now. She doesn't get to decide who pushes the trolley, you do! A meltdown? So what, she's at the age where she should be embarrassed but it gets her what she wants. Stand up to her. A good talking to will not cut it.

I suspect she may well be ND and it's not been as noticeable before because other young children act up so her behaviour didn't stand out. Now her friends are growing up a bit it does.

Have a look at How to Recognise Autism in Girls - Attwood and Garnett Events
to see if anything else sounds familiar.

If she can control herself in other situations but not when it is you then she clearly does not feel the penalty is bad enough to make her behave better. Obviously kids show the worst of themselves to family as they instinctively know they will always be forgiven. Your friend may have looked shocked because she thought your daughter was being horrid and you weren’t dealing with it in the way she would.

Personally I found punishment had to be implemented ASAP after the event, to make a clear thread between two events. Removal of ipad is a good one, in this case I would have very swiftly and firmly got her into car, no chat on way home, got in and explained clearly and calmly why behaviour was unacceptable and what consequence was then taken ipad for X number of days. I wouldn’t have caved and let her have it any earlier than stated, no point doing that. Do that and the kid knows they can work you like a puppet. (the no chat on way home would've been principally for me to calm down, but would’ve helped her get out of strop and start worrying about what was coming!😐) I would therefore make the penalty realistic - taking ipad away for ever - not going to happen! Make sure whatever you choose it’s something important to DD. Don’t add extra penalties on later, does not have desired impact in connecting behaviour with punishment.

Those offering up ND as an excuse - I wouldn’t agree as you say DD can control emotions in other settings, functions well in school etc. Anyway, being ND is not a get-out for poor behaviour unless the ND is at the very most extreme end of the scale and the person has no social skills whatsoever. You’ve said some people close to you have suggested she’s spoiled. They aren’t saying that for nothing, people almost never criticise children or parenting styles to those involved.

Why does everyone need to label children? This is someone over the internet she’s given a couple of examples and it’s ow she’s ND. Christ I remember being an arse to my mum when I was a child and the tantrums!! I’m nt and grew out of it when I knew it wasn’t worth the punishment and having your mouth washed out with soap isn’t very nice ! If the op was concerned about nd she would get it checked but it’s clear from her answers she’s not thinking this and wants help dealing with her child’s bad behaviour. Hitting is unacceptable fullstop. Perhaps she is jealous of her brother and wants attention , my elder daughter sometimes lashes out at her brother and not sharing and fighting amongst siblings is absolutely normal albeit it bloody annoying!

I feel incredibly sorry and quite frankly worried about your children. You’re a danger to them and need to reevaluate your behaviour and ideas about parenting immediately.

And parents that put up with children hitting them get hit…

time and time again!

It’s scary isn’t it. Poor kids.

It’s not illegal to hit a child btw so no one would be interested.

its illegal to leave a mark, not actually hit them (depending on where you live)

and if you read my posts correctly, you will notice I’ve said I don’t hit them, but I would if they hit me.

now who do you think is going to be interested in that information?

no one!

Nope. Have you heard of child abuse?

kids that get hit… hit.