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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to stop DD embarrassing me?

318 replies

HEllo114 · 13/07/2024 16:48

My DD acts up whenever we see people. How can I plan ahead and not let this become another day like previous ones. examples: park playdate with my daughters friend went lovely they had a great time and us mums got along and chatted away. At the end I have my DD enough notice (10 minutes to go etc.). The other girls when told by their mums they are leaving happily got off the equipment and went whereas my DD started crying she didn’t want to leave and punched me! One mum witnessed this and looked horrified. I felt so embarrassed. They must think I’m such a bad mother. She’s 8 btw. She has these melt downs all the time. Not ND. Spoken to school who have said she’s well behaved at school.

OP posts:
PerkyMintDeer · 13/07/2024 17:07

HEllo114 · 13/07/2024 16:58

thank you all the people that have voted YABU do you think this is normal behaviour? I really struggle with knowing what is normal and what is not. To me her behaviour is really bratty and at school she seems like a model pupil.

I was a model pupil, "delight to have", "pleasure to teach" etc.

I'm ND. Not saying she is, but I wouldn't take having no issues at school as a sign that you can rule out ND.

I don't think it's normal behaviour for an 8 year old, no. She clearly has trouble with transitions.

Have you asked her why she got upset? Start there.

What other bratty behaviour? When? What exactly does she do?

Original poster
HEllo114 · 13/07/2024 17:06

I don’t think she’s ND because in my mind she wouldn’t be able to control it or mask as well as she is. She only does it to me as she knows she can get away with it. She acts like a brat with me. She hits her brother if he takes or touches any of her things but at school she’s an angel who brings in extra snacks for her friends. The teachers say she’s very caring and compassionate. On a school trip earlier in year a kid forgot his money and she gave him some. Teacher told me and the mum gave me the cash next day. But for example yesterday in the cinema I asked for just one sweet from her packet and she refused. She didn’t share with her brother either whereas her brother shared happily everything with her.

OP posts:
SummerDays2020 · 13/07/2024 17:06

HEllo114 · 13/07/2024 16:58

@INeedAnotherName shes recently got an iPad. Shall I take that away?

Imo, giving her all these punishments will just make it worse. You need to talk to her and really listen as to why she is doing it. And you need to get her screened for ASD.

TomatoSandwiches · 13/07/2024 17:03

I find it a bit worrying you're coming at this from the angle of you trying to stop this behaviour because of how it affects you and your emotions.

Try looking at it in a different way, she is struggling with this, behaviour is communication and you should be trying to help her emotionally regulate in situations such as a transition from one activity to another or the ending of a desired activity rather than punishing her with a removal of items.

Punishment this way is like treating the symptom rather than the cause and rarely works, it can make things worse overall eventually.

SummerDays2020 · 13/07/2024 17:03

Are you sure she's not ND? This was exactly how my ASD boy was. He found transitions so hard. If she has meltdowns all the time it suggests something may be going on.

Ellie1015 · 13/07/2024 17:02

You have taken tv, i think if she just replaces tv with ipad she shouldn't be on that either. Also dont whip out all the board games or entertain her yourself either.

Standupcitizen · 13/07/2024 17:00

HEllo114 · 13/07/2024 16:58

@INeedAnotherName shes recently got an iPad. Shall I take that away?

You've already given her multiple punishments.

Standupcitizen · 13/07/2024 17:00

Just out of interest, how do you know she's not ND?

people with asd/adhd/add can struggle with transitions and emotional regulation yet mask at school. You say she has these meltdowns all the time - what brings them on?

Original poster
HEllo114 · 13/07/2024 16:58

@INeedAnotherName shes recently got an iPad. Shall I take that away?

OP posts:
Mammma91 · 13/07/2024 16:58

Find another route to discipline and stick to it. I remove privileges - for us it’s the iPad.

IggityZiggity · 13/07/2024 16:58

I would not be going to the park with friends for a while and explain why to her. Go by yourselves and remind her that if she can leave nicely after the timer has gone off/you have give her the 5 mins, 2 mins reminders then you will be very happy to bring her back very soon.

Original poster
HEllo114 · 13/07/2024 16:58

thank you all the people that have voted YABU do you think this is normal behaviour? I really struggle with knowing what is normal and what is not. To me her behaviour is really bratty and at school she seems like a model pupil.

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 13/07/2024 16:57

Sounds like she struggles with transitions, which is a typical ND struggle.
Girls are also very well known to mask extremely well at school and then meltdown in a safe environment such as home.

INeedAnotherName · 13/07/2024 16:57

What does she value the most? Take that away for any physical violence. That might be tv, or radio, or a playdate, or a toy. But it must be high value.

Ellie1015 · 13/07/2024 16:56

I think she needs a firm talking to and some sort of punishment that is really not acceptable. Next time she is going anywhere explain what you expect behaviour wise and what will happen if she misbehaves.

Don't feel embarrassed friends will be sympathetic even if a bit surprised.

Original poster
HEllo114 · 13/07/2024 16:54

Consequences: talking to by both parents, time out, reflection, I did take away reward chart points but I don’t do that anymore as someone said I shouldn’t take away points given for bad behaviour. No TV etc. for that day. Is this enough? What would you do?

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 13/07/2024 16:50

What was the consequence for punching you?

INeedAnotherName · 13/07/2024 16:49

What do you do when she is like this? What are the consequences?

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