How to stop DD embarrassing me?

Why do your family members think she is spoilt op? What examples have they given?

It's quite common for people to accuse ND people, especially girls ( because they're expected to be much more accommodating than boys ) of being rude, stuck up... spoilt when really it's just their ND shining through.

I was always reprimanded because when I was told a rule or this is the way we do something and then saw adults breaking the rules or doing something the "wrong" way I'd point their mistake out or tell them off like I had previously been.

Absolutely take the ipad away. Not as a punishment but because an 8yo doesn't need one and generally the more screen time DC have the worse they behave. As for the park, natural consequences are best. I would say no more play dates "as its too hard for you to stop playing and say goodbye nicely at the end". See if she has any suggestions on how it could be easier for her.

I think op knows her child well enough to know if she’s ND or not. Some kids are just brats and they do play up for their mums and are good at school and for other people. Op you have my sympathy I would be embarrassed too , it’s because you do care about her behaviour and that’s a good thing. Does she apologise after and realise she has done wrong?

Another vote that you might want to consider she might be ND and look into the resources others have shared.

Just reading this takes me back! My kid was exactly like this, school kept saying not ND, it was bad behaviour, tantrums, bad parenting etc etc.

So i believed it was me/us and pushed through issuing loads of consequences etc, nothing worked, things were awful, our relationship was in bits. Did ALL the parenting courses, read all the books etc.

Found out years later they were ND after all. I felt awful.

How consistently is she given a consequence?
If people say she is spoiled, perhaps she is?

Do you discuss expectations before going somwhwre? Like "I'll give you a count down of 10.minutes when we need to leave the park. This gives you time to prepare for leaving and end any games. When we leave I need you to walk to the car and wave goodbye to everyone".

She can be both ND and spoilt

Sorry, cross posted with later examples.

Maybe for now, just stop putting her in a position where she has to share. Praise her brother for his good behaviour in front of her and try ignoring some of the "less bad" behaviour. Consequences that are appropriate for the very bad behaviour.

So as close to the event as possible and timed appropriately.

It really sounds like she wants to be autonomous and have a bit of independent control.

"Dd we have to leave in ten minutes. If you don't make a fuss, perhaps we could stop by the shop afterwards and you could choose some sweets or a magazine/choose a film for us to watch when we get home?"

Was there really an issue with her pushing the trolley? Was there a different battle you could have picked? Or if you were worried she'd bump into something, "DD, thanks for wanting to help, that's really grown up of you. I just think it's safer if I push the trolley. If I give you a list of things, would you run and get them for me or is there something else that you think you'd be able to do to help us get back home quickly so we can (insert fun activity here)."

Do you think she's just feeling a bit controlled and like you are always on at her, by any chance? ETA pretty much every example you've mentioned is a control issue...in her mind you are making her share/taking her sweets/forcing her to leave/not letting her push the trolley. She needs to feel like she has SOME control, ND or NT.

She’s 8. She’s not doing it to embarrass you!

She’s having a hard time with transitions and isn’t able to communicate with you.

Think of it as she’s not giving you a hard time, she’s HAVING an hard time.

You shouting and giving punishments won’t work, she needs your understanding as to what might be going on in her brain.

SEND mum here btw… This is a classic ND reaction to matters outside of her control and NOT brattish behaviour.

You get it from her at home and not school because YOU are her safe space and she doesn’t have to act in the controlled or masked way she does at school.

She’s at the classic age with ND traits can become much easier to see in girls. Autistic traits, for instance, present differently in girls than boys. Have a read of the Autistic Girls Network publication “Keeping it all inside”. Even if she’s not autistic, she might have some traits you recognise (and, spoiler alert, you might see some of this in yourself or other close family, too).

autisticgirlsnetwork.org/wp-content/uploads/2022/11/Keeping-it-all-inside.pdf

I hope you can support her as best you can so she can flourish.

Punishments sometimes escalate the bad behaviour because then the child isn't just disappointed at the outing ending but upset about the consequences as well. Once you know a punishment is coming then there's nothing to lose by continuing to be upset.

Your daughter seems to value time with her friends and struggle when it ends. You might try giving her an incentive to help her cope with the goodbyes. Set the expectations before the outing. "I know it's frustrating when it's time to say goodbye. If you come give your friends a hug nicely when it's time to go home, we can see them again next Tuesday. When we get home, why don't we draw a picture for you to give to her then?

This says it all really.

I think that you shouldn't be focusing on your embarrassment. She isn't trying to embarrass you, and your feelings, as the adult, aren't the priority.

She's clearly struggling with transitions. Whether or not she has a neurodisibility, you can use the sorts of interventions that support transitions - social stories, a "now and next" board, a transition treat.

You might be able to talk about how she feels at the moment when she hits, and practice some regulation skills - things like breathing exercises.

But I agree that it's an unusual reaction in an 8yo that is very commonly associated with having a neurodisibility.

Sorry I didn't read the full thread. It still might be worth a conversation though. How proud you are of her behaviour at school etc.

That isn't a battle I would fight. Is she sensible when pushing it? If yes then let her do it, if no then ask for her help in getting items off the shelf, or ask her to look out for the ketchup from the condiments aisle type things. Shopping is boring for adults who tag along, so it's really boring for kids.

Nothing here would indicate she is not ND, and not to be patronising but from what you've written I don't think you have any realistic knowledge of ND indicative behaviours.

I would strongly reccomend having her assessed for ND.

Actually I had this but ds was much younger. He never hit me though. In the end I had a quiet word with him and said it would be lovely if he could hug me/be happy to see me (after preschool). I said that sometimes it made me sad that he wanted to stay and not come with me as I loved him so much. (I can't remember what I said exactly but it was a conversation at a different time to the incident.) he really listened and it improved massively. He's not perfect obviously and now he's a grumping teen but he hadn't seen it from my point of view before. Try a chat whilst having a cuddle at bedtime or something. A?chat before punishment if you see what I mean.

Then stop spoiling her.

I voted you are being unreasonable because you can't pin your embarrassment on her, that is your emotion. You can choose to stop being embarrassed.

Whether she is nd or not, she clearly struggles with transitions and the way you are currently approaching them is not working. To fix the problem you need to change the approach.

Also, yes girls are more likely to mask successfully in public and meltdown in the safe space, which is with you.

How do react to this behaviour at the time? Not afterwards when you get home but right when she hitting or having a meltdown?

Does she only do it on playdates or does she do behave like this at home or other times when it’s just the two of you too?
Does you react differently on playdates compared to how you would if she did it at home?

It sounds like you tried a lot of different consequences but how long have you persevered with any one of these? Or is it a different consequence everytime for the same behaviour ?

Hitting is of course unacceptable but do your punishments actually work? Do you think she will think it through and not do it next time? The title if your thread is interesting, it's not how can I help my daughter manage her anger. That's what you need to do I think as well as punishment. I think next time you go to the park I'd be giving her more warnings, if you didn't already- one ten minute warning might not be enough and its quite a long time. So 10, 5, 2, 1 and two more go's on something. Plus something to look forward to later like 'come on, let's grab a snack on the way home' 'time to go home and do x' so it's not just stopping what she likes. Also help her verbalise her feelings of frustration, agree with her it's frustrating to have to leave when you're having fun or similar, keep doing this and then she is more likely to use words than violence in the future. Punish as well, but I think it's unfair to punish without helping them stop this type of behaviour, if it's a pattern. Lastly it might be worth giving other examples of what she is like at home so people can see whether they recognise other behaviours in case she is ND

You say you give a 10 minute warning,that's great but I would follow it up with a 5 minute and then 2 minute one. When time is up say okay last slide and then we go. I suspect others will say you shouldn't have to do that at age 8 but if she is immature emotionally then you are best to accept the level she is at and manage her accordingly rather than setting her up to fail. Also make sure she knows what is happening next. For example , going home for dinner, going to shops or home for tv or whatever. If she still kicks off then ignore as much as you can at the time and then ask her later on why she got so cross. Also setting expectations in advance might help. So when you arrive at the park or play date or whatever, remind her of the routine for leaving and that you don't expect a fuss. You may choose to offer a reward/consequence at this point so she knows you mean business. Basically if she is going to behave like a toddler then you have to employ toddler tactics.

Are you sure she's not ND as she sounds a lot like my autistic 8 year old. The countdown is crucial for her ( we do 10 minutes, 5 minutes, 2 minutes and time for one last thing). Also make sure she knows what's happening next, even if it's just going home
Also are the other children her friends or your friend's children? DD has a few good friends she'll happily play with, but otherwise finds it draining to play with others.

Not now. But tell her the next time she hits you or anyone else then ALL technology will be taken away. TV, ipad, gaming, using your phone for games etc. If it continues then she won't be allowed to go to the park, and keep explaining why. She'll get it eventually.

I would concentrate on the no hitting, biting, spitting, physical things. Once she can control herself from not punching you can use the same process for shouting, screaming etc.