How to stop DD embarrassing me?

@solsticelove said what i want to say.

I feel like rather than "How to stop DD embarrassing me?" it should be "How can I try to help her or understand what's causing her to behave like this?" When I saw the title I genuinely thought it was going to be about her planning something that she knew would embarrass you.

I hope you can figure this out, she might just need a safe place to talk to someone about why she acts this way.

Your username sums me up!

Same...except I'd have shutdowns which made it even harder to detect. I was approaching middle age before I finally got a diagnosis.

Have to laugh at the "her mother would know best". My mother was a Psychiatrist and had no clue!

This.

I can’t believe people are making excuses for an 8 year old punching an adult- under any circumstances. Plenty of ND children do not ever behave like this

This is not a 2 year old.

You've asked for advice OP but you're not taking the answers on board. Classic signs of neurodiversity. Punishment and accusations of being spoilt and embarrassing you will destroy her self esteem. Your behaviour and that of your family need addressing before you can help your child. Nip it in the bud and support her.

Your opening post ticked a huge number of boxes to question and to me, including the behaving well at school and them not seeing it.

Then I don’t think she’s ND because in my mind she wouldn’t be able to control it or mask as well as she is. She only does it to me as she knows she can get away with it also sounds like a ND girl and a parent who doesn’t understand autism or masking.

I’d make a list of everything and speak to your school senco and rule out ND first of all because how you deal with transitions with a ND child and a NT child are very different.

There isn’t an excuse for it and it needs to be recognised as not ok. But ‘severe punishment’ really doesn’t work with ND kids. Talking from great (and awful) experiences.

The title of your thread is very strange.
You need to reframe her struggles as struggles and not as a reflection on you. No child sets out to embarrass their parent.

She’s obviously having a really hard time with transitions and with her emotions and you need to drill down into this. Have you talked to her? Listen to what those posters are saying about ND too. Obviously hitting is unacceptable and you can make that clear to her but taking away her items is not the answer here.

I’d also ignore what your extended family say. It’s so easy to label a child as ‘spoilt’ especially when they are having a hard time with their emotions when they behave in any way outside of perfect.

She punched you. Whether she I'd ND is neither here nor there. Punching your mum is never OK under any circumstances. I would have given her an absolute tongue lashing on the spot, then left her to calm down before giving a severe consequence.

I’d not rule out ND. Adhd makes girls a people pleaser/seemingly very compassion but also prone to huge meltdowns, there’s a lot of crossover with ASD traits. They will come out a lot more with family because it’s a safe space to let go of the mask. And girls really hold that mask up high.

Came here to say the same. I was a "model pupil", teachers loved me. But I was struggling so much to mask all day and then had meltdowns at home. ND is much harder to diagnose in girls.

That would depend on what had lead to her hitting her brother?

Looking at just the problems at the play area I would suggest the following.
Children have short memories, and need to be reminded of consequences straight before an activity so that they know if they behave in a particular way then the consequence is no iPad or no tv. Before you go anywhere next time say - - last time we went out you behaved really well until it was time to go home, and that made me really proud of you, but then you would not leave the play equipment, shouted and then I was so shocked that you hit me. How do you think I felt then. .......
Can you remember what happened after that? ......
Yes that's right you lost your iPad for a day.
I know you can behave really well so that's not going to happen this time, because you're a lovely girl and that's not how you should behave. We will be playing for about 45 minutes, I'm going to tell you about 10 minutes before we finish so you have a chance to finish up and say goodbye, if you come straight away you can go on your iPad straight when we get home and then you help me make some fairy cakes but if you don't come when I ask it will be taken away until xxxxx and we are not going to do any baking today' that's really clear for a child to understand.

I think you need to set up before you go anywhere your expectations, so today we're going to the cinema and I will buy sweets and we will share them. You need to make a fuss of her every time she shares, is helpful or kind, and say that is a lovely thing to do, oh look at you that's a really kind thing to do to share your sweets. It's exhausting but you must be consistent which is really hard with 2 children!
Good luck

The single most useful phrase I ever learned to use with my ND son is "do what you need to do to be ready to leave". I give him a 10 minute warning, then say this at 5mins and more often than not he will then be ready to go of his own accord.

Does it come from nowhere?

What happens in the lead up?

She can't verbally communicate for some reason, so she hits. You need to try and figure out what's going on before she hits him.

Do you agree ?

I think you need to try something very immediate.

Be prepared to go straight home if the behaviour starts.
Insist on going home without shopping, without fininishing the playdate etc.
On the way home tell her that she will have no screens for the rest of the day and will tidy her room and say sorry before being able to join in with the family.

She is old enough to behave at school so don't tolerate a speck of antisocial behaviour.

Have the discussion before going out. Remind her that if she is antisocial and misbehaves you will be taking her straight home.

If she frequently misbehaves on play dates also try declining the next invitation that you receive (in her company) and give the reason "because DD is not well mannered enough to go".

She needs to learn consequences. Explain to her that if she ever behaves like this again then you won’t take her out to play with her friends.
it sounds like you have a difficult time knowing where to set boundaries. Your GP may be able to signpost you to a family therapist who can help with this.

This is absolutely not normal behaviour for a normal child of that age. It wouldn't be normal even if she was much younger, once she was past the toddler stage. If she behaves well at school that shows she doesn’t have any real medical problems, so it’s something to do with her relationship with you. Are you a single parent? If so, perhaps you have got into the habit of wanting to be her friend, rather than her parent.

If people who know you and her well say she is spoilt, she probably is! She needs to learn that you mean what you say, and won’t give in to her whatever fuss she makes - that is what happens at school. Physical violence is an absolute no-no. Set your rules (no shouting at you, no hitting, she has to do what you say, etc.) and tell her the consequences if she breaks them (e.g. no sweets, or take away favourite toy for a couple of days, or no tv, or no computer, or no playing out with friends) then stick to them and never weaken or give in. If you are firm, consistent and unemotional about it, she will learn.

If your rule is that she mustn’t hit her brother, the same applies (but make sure the rule applies to him too).

It's very normal for neurodiverse girls to be immaculately behaved in school.

She sounds ND to me ..or at least showing strong traits.

I hate the punishment crew who come our in these threads. Children do well when they can as the saying goes

The aim of any consequence should be to better support her to control or change her behaviour.

It's not about knowing her child well enough, it's about knowing/understanding the signs of neuro divergence well enough! Very few of us are experts, especially with no previous experience of it. I didn't recognise my dd's autism until she was 10, despite her having an autistic brother. It's very different in girls.

And yes, she was an angel at school too.

My DD is currently waiting on referrals for ND and really struggles with transitions. 10mins isn't enough - I do 10, 5, 3, 1 minute and use the timer on my phone to show her. Then as others said time for one last thing and then go. Echo others too that she meltdowns with you because you are her safe space - she can be herself and show her raw state with you. At school she masks - it's like a can of fizzy drink - it's all bubbling under the surface and then explodes at home!

@TheOccupier actually screen time has a beneficial quality for children with ND so it could be a helpful tool for ops DDs emotional regulation.

I would try to reframe how you are thinking about your child's behaviour. As the saying goes: she isn't giving you a hard time, she's having a hard time. I don't think that punishing her and then ramping up the punishments further is the best course of action. That just leads into a negative feedback loop that can be hard to extract yourselves from. Whether she is ND or not (and she may be, so it could be worth investigating) she does seem to be struggling with transitions and control (meaning both self-control and trying to control other people and things).

She does desperately want you to show her what is acceptable and what is not. So choose your lines in the sand. Does it matter if she pushes the trolley in Tesco? If she wants to, why not let her? But hitting is unacceptable. If she hits you out of frustration at the end of a play date, that may mean that she can't cope with play dates just now.