How to stop DD embarrassing me?

You need to stop talking. Very easy to spout shit online, if I had an inclination of who you really were I’d report you. You never hit a child, even NT children struggle with emotional regulation at times. It’s our job as parents to model correct behaviour, not condone hitting.

I take it you have a child that slaps the shit out of you and you pander to them because they can’t help it?

🙄

Jesus Christ.

Ok I’m not going to get into this here as it’s not your post, but that’s awful. It’s not like a child doesn’t understand pain. A child (especially a sen child!) can struggle with impulse control. You don’t hurt them for that!

I think you need to reconsider if she might be ND. Masking is complicated but it definitely could mean that she can seem to be able to control it all at school etc. It is very common for girls to start to really struggle around the end of primary which can then be catastrophic at secondary.

I find bribery good think of something nice to do later don’t tell her times up when she sees the others going she might come too. Punching you is not acceptable but don’t be embarrassed. Maybe keep after school treat till after playtime finished if well behaved.

I don’t think she’s ND because in my mind she wouldn’t be able to control it or mask as well as she is. She only does it to me as she knows she can get away with it.

1. ND children, especially girls, can mask exceptionally well. The ability to behave perfectly at school and then lose it at home is in fact typical of neurodiversity.

2. She does it to you because you are her mum, her most trusted person in the world and the one who will never reject her. This is also a very typical neurodiverse trait.

Your post screams ND to me, and I am the parent of two ND young people. Don't be dismissive of the possibility; instead, read up on parenting strategies that work on ND children and try them. You may well be pleasantly surprised.

Of course she knows her child. But she might not know or understand how ND can present. There are still a lot of misconceptions around ND, especially in girls. Many still don't believe masking to be a thing. It most definitely is, and some girls in particular are excellent at it (my sister was one of them). Many 'model pupils' in school are actually ND girls, often undiagnosed until much later in life as so many still don't believe it's possible for a child to behave so perfectly in school if they're ND.

I wouldn't assume every parent to know that about ND, despite obviously knowing their child very well. It's so easy to miss it or dismiss the signs.

As soon as I read OP's opening post I though it sounds like her DD could actually be ND after all. Even more after reading OP's updates.

I'm another in the 'don't rule it out camp', OP.

No!

I said, if they hit me I would, which they never have

lol WTF? Did you just say that you hit your sen kids?

You reallY need to work the triggers out. Most kids would be embarrassed and she’s obviously not.

If an 8 year old hit me I'd be doing more than a "talking to" and telling her no TV for the day. Your description of the shopping incident makes me think she could just be a bit spoiled and needs firm boundaries and following through on consequences.

I'd have marched her straight home, the iPad would be removed for at least a week and she'd need to earn it back with behaving well. Until she could consistently behave kindly to her family members too there would be no more playdates or playing out with friends other than at school too.

Which means you have spoiled her? Do you mean by giving her what she wants because it's better/easier than her having a tantrum or hitting you?

You said she has lots of meltdowns - when? What triggers these?

That won’t help though. It’s completely unrelated and will jsut make her feel sad an ashamed. It won’t change the behaviour. It’s already done by then. It’s clearly an impulsive thing. She’s not stood there thinking hmmm I’m going to purposefully hit my mum when I’m cross. It sounds like she gets overwhelmed and struggled with transitions!

I only recently received a diagnosis of ADHD, and I'm in my late 40s. I studied ADHD briefly in uni in the 90s and didn't connect it with myself! What you're describing does sound like she's masking. I masked my entire life without realising what I was doing so don't be too quick to dismiss it.

On the way home tell her that she will have no screens for the rest of the day and will tidy her room and say sorry before being able to join in with the family.

What has tidying her bedroom got to do with anything?

Natural consequences work better.

@HEllo114 I understand it must be difficult to take on board, but everyone is saying that she might be neurodivergent, because those of us with ND children recognise those behaviours and it might help explain why she is behaving the way that is - that's why we're banging on about it!

You clearly want to tackle this issue so it might help to read up about what possible solutions. Obviously, no-one can diagnose anything over the internet, but This could be a good place to start - Young Minds and it would give you some strategies that are effective as the struggle with transitions is real.

My child has been assessed and diagnosed with inattentive ADHD and his meltdowns are absolutely triggered by the move from one activity to another. It's taken lots of hard work to manage the process but it's far more rare that he tries to bite me or hit me these days. I remember how embarrassing it was to cope with his behaviour in public and the judgy stares and the spoilt brat comments from relatives, too. But if there is something else going on, then working out what it is and finding specific strategies that work for her will be such a relief. Good luck.

This is an 8 year old who is showing typical signs of female autistic behaviour and who appears to have never been assessed as either ND or NT.

There is enough to suggest that this child is not NT. That’s not encouraging a diagnosis from the internet but enough of us are recognising the flags that hopefully the op will be asking for further support.

Tongue lashing. What a mental image 🤮

But this an NT 8 year old the OP was posting about

My 6 year old has moments of hitting out at me/others. No, it’s not ok but he is cognitively 2 years old, but that’s not what people who don’t know the situation see. Lucky in real life people are more understanding of neurodivergence.

I agree with this.
Sounds like my ND daughter.
8 was also when she really started to struggle and her behaviour worsened.

Another one here suggesting that you might be wrong about ND, the things that work with other kids don’t work with ND kids. Your rationale for why she is not ND is understandable but totally flawed, what you’re describing sounds textbook (and fwiw many ND boys also mask well at school). Punish her all you like, but it’s not working is it. if it’s ND it’s not going to help, ultimately it will just damage your relationship with her which will make her more likely to lash out at you, it sounds like you’re already been quite harsh with her both with the punishments, but even more with the way you were talking about her. I understand you are probably at your wits end, but I think the best advice is to do some serious reading on ND, try some of the strategies and see if they help.