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AIBU?

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Original poster

Aibu to want to go home

608 replies

geekygirldoesnotfitin · 13/07/2024 14:19

Hi

A friend of mine asked me to go on holiday with her and a few of her friends. I don't know these friends but she begged me saying she really wanted me there. I agreed and paid for my trip.

When I turned up to the airport there were two different groups of her friends. Neither group really know each other but both groups are close friends.

That's fine. I only know my friend who asked me to come but was happy to get to know others.

Since we arrived I have chatted and asked about each person and got on with the holiday. Some of the friends have chatted here and there.

My friend has tended to stick with one group in particular and I haven't had much chance to spend time with her. Again fine with me normal as I don't expect to me joined at the hip.

It's become very obvious that I'm the odd one out. For whatever reason people don't seem to want to engage with me. I have reflected to make sure I haven't said or done anything to hurt or upset anyone and I honestly don't think I have.

Initially it was just them chatting amongst themselves but now they are actively avoiding me.

For eg they were all in the pool chatting so I got in and they got out. When I got out a few minutes later they all got back in.
During conversations I chip in and get ignored. I try to repeat myself but give up joining in as it's obvious I'm an annoyance.
Both groups decided to go to the bar and asked each individual but missed me out.
I'm a bit quieter than most but I do chat and show an interest.

Yesterday I became very unwell unexpectedly and had to lay down in my room for the afternoon. This morning the groups had made plans and I tagged along with one. I ended up walking behind alone as they were walking next to each other and there was no room unless I stepped in the road. When I came down this morning after being in my room poorly no one said hello but when someone else came just after they made a big fuss and had already messaged the person to check they were ok.

I'm a big girl and can accept that people don't like me or don't want me around but it seems the more I go do my own thing the more they are annoyed when I return.

I feel quite alone and confused.

I'm the only one here who is a mum with young dc. I miss my dc and feel like I should try get a flight home early on my own. If I was able to be involved and felt welcome that would be fine but I just can't seem to do the right thing and I'm starting to feel self conscious and a bit upset.

I have a few days left and I'm not sure what to do for the best.

OP posts:
LordPercyPercy · 15/07/2024 14:48

Personally, I don't really find a great deal of fault with the other people there... Remember, you are a stranger to them. On holiday, it's natural to want to stick around with, and socialise with, your actual friends/family. Not some random stranger who always seems to be tagging along. They don't know you from Adam. And although it's a bit unkind to seem to be purposely leaving you out, they are under no obligation to adopt you into the fold. Presumably they paid the same money you did for the holiday, and want to spend it with the people they already know and like. Not a Random.

Found the Mean Girl. OP didn't "tag along", she was specifically invited. No excluse for unkindness. You'd also do well to remember that in future in your own interactions with others.

RampantIvy · 15/07/2024 14:11

@Deathraystare
@Yalta

I think you have mixed me up with @zingally

I was challenging her. If I had been in either group of friends I would have gone out of my way to make @geekygirldoesnotfitin feel welcome. Having said that, I don't have friends who would behave like that in the first place.

ScribblingPixie · 15/07/2024 13:50

Annabelj17 · 15/07/2024 12:05

I have an old dog who had arthritis and is obviously slowing down. My husband has never liked dogs but grudgingly allowed ne to have one. The deal was that for holidays she goes to kennels and we have a holiday coming up in 4 weeks. She is booked into a kennel but I feel she is too old now to go. Our holiday is in UK so we could take her with us but my husband would be moody and unreasonable about it. If I am honest I could do with a break from her as she is very needy and I feel she dominates my life. However I feel so guilty leaving her and I would worry about her all the time. I wish we were not going away at all but cancelling is not an option unless I also want a divorce!
I feel very depressed. I have no one nearby who can look after her as all the family will be on the holiday. I feel that whatever I do will be wrong. Any advice?

You are in the wrong thread, but your local Facebook dog group or local appreciation society will give you recommendations for people who will sit your dog or look after them in their own home. It's quite a boom industry where I live (London) so surely you can do better than kennels.

Wishicouldlovemyself · 15/07/2024 13:43

I've tried putting myself in the middle of things, eg, taking the central seat, but I just feel like I'm an annoyance to people, and that if they wouldn't naturally want to sit next to me (which they usually don't), I shouldn't push it as I'll only end up feeling awkward.

Hope you enjoy your few days relaxing before you go back to work. 🙂💐

AcrossthePond55 · 15/07/2024 13:41

@geekygirldoesnotfitin

One of the women was ill and some of the others were being awful about her and were laughing at her.

So it sounds as if once you left the group, they needed and found another 'goat'.

I'm glad you were able to get home early. Being cocooned in our own family is the best cure for life's 'hurts'.

AnonymousBleep · 15/07/2024 13:40

So you were the original victim of the group bullying and you got ill, then another woman got ill and she was slagged off - sure it wasn't the old laxatives in the coffee going on here?! They really do sound like a right bunch of mean girls. Hopefully you'll just tell your 'friend' to sod off, put the whole experience behind you and get on with the rest of your life.

Wishicouldlovemyself · 15/07/2024 13:37

Sorry for the way it worked out. It was very unkind of them and I can imagine how it made you feel, but it's on them, not you.

You sound very nice, and like you'd be a great friend to have.

I'm ND, and this happens to me a lot, which makes me withdraw more/even quieter for future events so it's like a self fulfilling prophecy.

I always feel like an outsider, and even with my 'best friend', if others are around I'm the one on the peripheral of everything, eg, they'll all sit next to each other 1st and I'll be left in the other side of the table or having to squeeze onto the end of the row. They'll save each other seats, but not me.
I'm usually not in many, if any, photos of any nights out as I just don't get asked to join in and feel odd pushing my way in. Eg, I might be in 1 or 2 of a 100 photos.

I think it's probably worse now than what it used to be as because I now already feel like an outsider when I go out with them, I'm already a bit more withdrawn/ looking for it and tend to probably come across as not wanting to join in.

In the past, I mentioned to my friend that I feel a bit left out sometimes, but she thinks it's just me being daft, and maybe it is, but it's how I feel. I'm also older by 10 years, so maybe our differences have just become naturally more pronounced now I'm getting older and slowing down.

Nanny0gg · 15/07/2024 13:35

zingally · 15/07/2024 09:59

The only person really in the wrong here is your "friend". She asked you along, knowing full well you didn't know anyone else going. Is there a possibility that someone else dropped out, and they asked you purely to fill the space?
Either way, she's been really foolish and unkind. She should have taken you under her wing, and accepted that you are her were likely to be a twosome for the week.

Personally, I don't really find a great deal of fault with the other people there... Remember, you are a stranger to them. On holiday, it's natural to want to stick around with, and socialise with, your actual friends/family. Not some random stranger who always seems to be tagging along. They don't know you from Adam. And although it's a bit unkind to seem to be purposely leaving you out, they are under no obligation to adopt you into the fold. Presumably they paid the same money you did for the holiday, and want to spend it with the people they already know and like. Not a Random.

That being said, the polite and mature thing for them to do would be to gently "pass you around" the group. "Sarah" makes small talk with you on a sun lounger for 20 minutes, and when she gets up to "fetch a drink", then "Sally" encourages you into the pool to bob around for a bit. THAT would be the kind thing to do, but then people don't always behave their absolute best. Especially on a holiday they've paid their own hard-earned cash for.

Personally, I'd be sacking them off and having your own holiday for the last few days. Keep to your own timetable, take yourself off for meals when YOU fancy it, find a new spot by the pool away from them. And if they think it's weird, so fucking what? They ignored you for all these days, and now you're repaying the favour.

If that's how you would treat strangers then you're no better than those horrible women

Were you one of the mean girls at school too?

alrightluv · 15/07/2024 13:17

@PossumintheHouse I think you're right

PossumintheHouse · 15/07/2024 13:14

OP, how are you today? Really hope you're treating yourself to something relaxing at home.
Out of interest, did you tell your friend you were going home or just up and leave? I really hope you silently left them to it, they didn't deserve your communication.

When your 'friend' gets back she's going to go one of two ways - either love bomb you, claiming she was "so worried and really wants to see you" or she'll gaslight you, saying you were rude and unapproachable on the holiday. Either way, I'd be telling her to go fuck herself and the friendship would be done.

alrightluv · 15/07/2024 13:07

How mean girl of them. Totally ignorant.

I'm glad to hear you have real friends back home.

paywalled · 15/07/2024 13:07

Yalta · 15/07/2024 13:04

I wonder if *RampantIvy *is one of the 2 groups

RampantIvy

Remember her friend is there. She isn’t just tagging along she is there as one of the invited

Show quote history

You mean @zingally . @RampantIvy was quoting her.

Yalta · 15/07/2024 13:04

RampantIvy · 15/07/2024 12:26

Personally, I don't really find a great deal of fault with the other people there... Remember, you are a stranger to them. On holiday, it's natural to want to stick around with, and socialise with, your actual friends/family. Not some random stranger who always seems to be tagging along. They don't know you from Adam. And although it's a bit unkind to seem to be purposely leaving you out, they are under no obligation to adopt you into the fold. Presumably they paid the same money you did for the holiday, and want to spend it with the people they already know and like. Not a Random.

What an unpleasant post. I think this says a lot about you Hmm

I wonder if *RampantIvy *is one of the 2 groups

RampantIvy

Remember her friend is there. She isn’t just tagging along she is there as one of the invited

Deathraystare · 15/07/2024 12:53

@@RampantIvy

Nope. Don't agree with this at all. My friends are diamonds and would not treat anyone like this. They would make sure they were included unless they wanted to be on their own. They would be interested in a new comer and certainly encourage them to talk!

Pasithean · 15/07/2024 12:30

Another reason to have acquaintances and very very few trusted friends.

RampantIvy · 15/07/2024 12:26

Personally, I don't really find a great deal of fault with the other people there... Remember, you are a stranger to them. On holiday, it's natural to want to stick around with, and socialise with, your actual friends/family. Not some random stranger who always seems to be tagging along. They don't know you from Adam. And although it's a bit unkind to seem to be purposely leaving you out, they are under no obligation to adopt you into the fold. Presumably they paid the same money you did for the holiday, and want to spend it with the people they already know and like. Not a Random.

What an unpleasant post. I think this says a lot about you Hmm

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 15/07/2024 12:22

Yalta · 15/07/2024 11:25

It appears that you decided to keep away from them and go your own way for a day. So weren’t around to be bullied by them.

By dinner they had picked out their next victim

Agreed.
Hope you are at home by now, with your family, relaxing and spoiling yourself for the last few days.
Their treatment of the second girl shows it really is them. They all sound superficial and selfish.
As you shake the dust from your shoes, just remember that you are a much nicer friend and probably a much happier and contented person than any of them.

user1984778379202 · 15/07/2024 12:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

What kind of cronies do you hang out with that you plot to treat a newcomer like they're a bad smell that needs to be tolerated for 20 minutes at time?! That sounds far nastier than ignoring someone completely.

RampantIvy · 15/07/2024 12:15

Yalta · 15/07/2024 11:25

It appears that you decided to keep away from them and go your own way for a day. So weren’t around to be bullied by them.

By dinner they had picked out their next victim

That was my thought as well.

Springisintheairohyeah · 15/07/2024 12:14

I see from your last update that you've gone home now, but I just wanted to say I'm really sorry that happened to you. I'm glad you managed to have some quiet time and are getting a bit of rest in before you go back to work. You sound absolutely lovely, and they sound like a bunch of rotters.Their loss.

Annabelj17 · 15/07/2024 12:05

I have an old dog who had arthritis and is obviously slowing down. My husband has never liked dogs but grudgingly allowed ne to have one. The deal was that for holidays she goes to kennels and we have a holiday coming up in 4 weeks. She is booked into a kennel but I feel she is too old now to go. Our holiday is in UK so we could take her with us but my husband would be moody and unreasonable about it. If I am honest I could do with a break from her as she is very needy and I feel she dominates my life. However I feel so guilty leaving her and I would worry about her all the time. I wish we were not going away at all but cancelling is not an option unless I also want a divorce!
I feel very depressed. I have no one nearby who can look after her as all the family will be on the holiday. I feel that whatever I do will be wrong. Any advice?

zingally · 15/07/2024 11:58

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

morningtoncrescent62 · 15/07/2024 11:36

Well, I don't have anything to add, but FWIW I agree with most other posters. That bunch of women sound like they haven't grown out of mean-girl adolescence yet. OP, you have absolutely nothing to berate yourself for, and you sound like a lovely holiday companion. You can come away with me and my friends any time: we'd love to have you, and we'd enjoy your company. More, we know how to behave around someone who isn't part of the group, and we'd take genuine pleasure in getting to know you. I honestly think most groups of adult women are like that, but you were very unlucky with this particular group.

My DC are grown and away, so if I'd been in your position I'd've treated it as a solo break and had a good time on my own. But with a young child, it sounds like you made a good call to come home early. I hope you enjoy a few days' rest at home and can do some nice family things before going back to work.

Yalta · 15/07/2024 11:25

It appears that you decided to keep away from them and go your own way for a day. So weren’t around to be bullied by them.

By dinner they had picked out their next victim

pollymere · 15/07/2024 11:16

I'm at a stage of life when I'd be miserable for a day then just really enjoy the holiday solo. I wonder if your "friend" needed an extra person. If a villa was for eight and there were seven of them for example.

They are rude. In that situation you make someone feel as welcome as you can and they clearly can't be bothered. If your friend is a decent sort, she may have invited you with the best of intentions and is avoiding you as she is clearly embarrassed how her friends are treating you.

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