To have a niggling feeling that my bf won't propose to me?

@Cheesygirl to be honest midwives don't have time to remember if a couple are married, engaged, girlfriend/boyfriend, planning to co-parent and not together or whatever.
That isn't their priority to think about.
It would only be important for tragic reasons like the mother needing emergency surgery or dying and official next of kin is required.
You didn't "need" to correct them at that particular moment in time and even if you had said "actually we aren't married" - they wouldn't have cared.

He's got some ego....you were going out weeks and you logically proposed abortion, and he was "offended"..... but is like a scalded cat 18 months later when a ring is mentioned, AFTER you have had his child.

Reads to me as if he thinks he is some catch ...without a house at 41...... and thinks carrying his child was some great privilege you were gifted weeks after ye met ......and that marrying him...the great prize that he is ....is something that can be dangled 3-4 years down the line if you are LUCKY 🙄.

Does he have logistically problems wedging his head through doors🙄.

Perhaps you should speak to him about how this bothers you, and hanging on for 4 years is too long?

🎉🍾🎊🥳🍻👏🥂!
Yes, honestly oP, just say to the rubberneckers that you are engaged ( or “ getting married”; he can’t deny that) if that worries you.

But I’d be more worried about a proper commitment - and I’d still say don’t have more dc with him until then but your age changes how long you can wait around for that. You might want more. Your LO is only new still and you may soon find yourself really wanting a sibling for them ( fine if not; but you don’t want to take away options).

My view of a young guy wanting to move a bit slowly into huge commitment versus my view of a guy in his forties joking about haribo rings and dithering about waiting four years after already getting you pregnant are two totally different things. I’d honestly pegged you as a young girl who just wanted rings and babies and wedding dresses straight out of school ( and, if I’m totally honest, got pregnant a bit “accidentally on purpose” to speed things up a bit). Hence my “ just give it time” advice.

In these situations i would usually say stop waiting for a proposal and start planning your future together as a couple, but actually i think he sounds quite sensible in his thinking considering the length of time you are together. That said I think you should make it very clear what you want, so if you want a commitment, an engagement and marriage by a certain time you need to be vocal about it. Waiting and hoping and being offended that he isn't pushing for commitment is a waste of time.

I've said this before, on many threads like this, and I'll say it again now.......

No one should get married unless they want to

I wouldn't want to marry someone who had to be dragged down the aisle

I'd want my DH to think he was the luckiest man alive to be marrying me

I think OP is being fobbed off with suggestions of getting married with their 4 year old carrying the rings

Don't give ultimatums eg marry me or I'll leave

But, if marriage is important to you (which I sense it is, despite your protestations to the contrary), then it's reasonable to say that you would like to be married, you sense that he doesn't feel the same, that's absolutely OK / his choice, but you're now beginning to wonder whether you wish to stay with him unmarried, or if you might be better to move on. If he let's you go, that's your answer

In other words, be master of your own ship

In the meantime, manage your finances as a single person, keep your own savings, don't give up work etc

Does he know this bothers you?

Why don't you just go and buy a ring you like and wear it on your wedding finger and if he comes up in conversation call him "my fiance" and there you go - you are "officially" engaged to the "outside world".
Because really ... that's all an engagement is except having the licence (which if I remember correctly is only valid for a year so you can't get that yet).
Congratulations. You're engaged.

Oh wow, your ages changed EVERYTHING.
I thought at least a decade younger.
Oh his parents probably are pleased to have a grandchild and he too took his chance but is absolutely stringing you along with 3-4 years...

Him mid 40's, you early 40's????🙄

They can do all of that while still advising caution. @pikkumyy77 s' analogy is the truth.

When you are as old as some of us are you have seen variations of the Mrs Right now V Mrs Right saga.

I have heard it happen numerous times where women have been diddled out of their fertility and weddings by guys who deliberately strung them along as Mrs Right now......only to be married and having a baby 6 months after meeting their Mrs Right.

Despite being warned by family and friends they were on a hiding to nothing they wouldn't be told.

All in their late 40's now and their chances of children for sure long gone.
So sad.

Yes I’m sorry oP, but ignore most of my previous posts.

I don’t why but I had thought you were both very young. Four years when you are late teens/early twenties is a totally different thing. This is unreasonable of him. He needs to “ piss or get off the pot.”

I’m sorry to volte face on everything I said before, but I needed that information to give an appropriate answer because for me it changes things enormously. He’s mucking you round in an important window baby wise.

You want 'formal acknowledgement of the relationship'? Which in your head is the ability to tell people he's your fiancée show them a ring Respectfully your focusing on the wrong thing. If you're embarrassed about having a baby with someone who is merely your boyfriend you should recognise that very few people give a shit.
If your worried about the financial pressure/insecurity you've put yourself in by having a baby with someone whilst unmarried then an engagement ring resolved that at all. Have either of you cut everything hours/taken maternity/paternity/had their careers potentially impacted? This is a far bigger deal. What about housing/assets) pension how are you making sure you're not being disadvantaged by the impacts of parenting (nursery costs, lost promotions etc) while his life is less impacted?
Don't be naive here for you and your child sake. Marriage is a legal contract stupid expensive white wedding or not. For some people it's very worth having. Decide if you will be better off with that contract and get on with it or protect yourself some other way

Based on your age, if you want more kids then I'd actually revise my prior 'set a wedding date within 2 years' to - get down the aisle asap. Like, engaged and married within the year.

You can't afford to fanny about. And he's beyond vile to suggest a 4 year wait to you under these circumstances. By 41/42 you'll likely find it much harder to conceive. And if it turns out then that he uturns on marriage, then you'll be up shit creek without a paddle.

You can't afford to give him 4 years if you want more kids. And you can't afford to have more kids before marriage with a man who hasn't married you if you want marriage.

Really, take the bull by the horns.

As you are 37 and 41, I think 4 year wait for a potential wedding scenario seems a bit.. Off. I thought you were in 20s.

41 year old man with a gf who already has his child, but joking about Haribo ring when asked about marriage?

Doesn't sound good to me.

I thought this too. Do you want more children OP? He has much more time on his side regarding this than you do. If marriage is something you want I'd not let him string you along.

I would agree with your points, I don't know why so many women on here allow men to make decisions about marriage. It's so common, and seems regressive to me..

I didn’t expect that. I was thinking late teens.

I don’t know then OP. It’s less likely to be his parents. Your ages change things a lot from my perspective. If anything, I’m more perplexed than ever that you care about the ring. And financially nothing will change much in three or four years (whereas it can make a huge difference early on in a career).

Honestly, I can’t help. The three to four year wait is confusing me now. On balance, I think he is stringing you along - maybe not maliciously but I don’t think he is necessarily committed.

I was envisaging some young kid who’d got himself a baby and was now being dragged into jewellery stores while his mates were at the movies.

If he really wanted to marry you he would have by now.

Also, I will never understand how a woman can let a man into her body, bear his child, live under the same roof, share money, etc., and then STILL wait around for years while a man decides if/when he wants to get engaged and if/when he wants to marry.

As someone who was part of the women's movement in the 1970s, we really haven't come very far at all. Men still hold all the cards because weak women still kowtow to men.

Yes I'm fine about the wedding being in 4 years time. What I would like is a formal acknowledgement of the relationship as bf/gf while having a kid and sharing finances doesn't really look good

An engagement is an announcement of plans to marry in the next year/18 months, not some far flung date in the future or a "formal acknowledgement of a relationship" - a marriage is the formal acknowledgement.

If you are happy with the plans to not marry for 3-4 years, then wait until the year before you have agreed to get married, get engaged, book a venue and set a date. If you are not happy waiting and need that formal acknowledgement then discuss it like adults, you are entitled to want to do it earlier and if he is any kind of decent partner he will listen, discuss and not brush you off.

Getting engaged for the just sake of getting engaged and to call your bf/dp your fiancé is for immature teenagers.

“What I would like is a formal acknowledgement of the relationship as bf/gf while having a kid and sharing finances doesnt really look good”

Can you explain that?
Because to the vast majority of people on this site, I expect that doesn’t “look” anything at all.
Who is it you’re so desperate to “look good” for?

Unless I’ve missed it, I don’t see any reply to several of us asking - what did you hope to achieve with the cohabitation agreement?

Honestly, all your protestations about not caring about marriage per se but coming up with an utterly meaningless alternative to engagement of a promise ring suggest some reason for emotional insecurity on you part. As in, nothing to do with his actions. Why would a promise ring (which is literally nothing) be more meaningful than his word without it? Of course in his words he could lie, or mean it and change his mind… but ditto the promise ring. What is driving you being so desperate to have some outward show, even a totally made up one? Even if you want an outward show, is anyone going to hear about a promise ring and not think, “so that’s not even an engagement? What even is it?”

I said upthread that 18 months is too soon to get married, and I’ll add to that - my personal view is that an engagement is meaningless unless it’s the start of real wedding plans. I know the word muggy as I have teenagers. As it’s a word you use, I’m going to guess you’re early 20s. Another reason why he’s right to wait - we all change so much in our 20s, our views, our goals… it’s really soon to be getting married.