To have a niggling feeling that my bf won't propose to me?

@pollymere but if he has said he "wants to marry her" (as the OP says he has) how is that not a proposal already?

The whole haribo thing suggests he knows you could get engaged with a cheap ring but he's being cagey. I think it may be that he's saving up to buy a decent ring. The looking at gemstones thing and the ring catalogues sound like too much of a coincidence. Don't push.

You can either take the step to sit down and discuss marriage in a year's time or wait and see. If he's intimating a date 2 and a half years in the future with perhaps a year and a half to plan that suggests he's not planning to propose for a year!

A child, cohabitation and joint finances are all far more a symbol of commitment than a ring. A ring is very, very easy to walk away from, the others, not so much.

@usernamealreadytaken the OP seems to be obsessed that a ring will "acknowledge" and "make it official" that they're engaged.
Except a ring is literally just a piece of jewellery.

You already live together, have a daughter, share finances, share care, have life insurance, do 50/50, and everyone knows you are a couple - other than engagement and marriage, there isn't anything more formal - so ASK HIM.

if you have already discussed marriage, and both agreed that you want to, why aren't you formally asking him to marry you? You need to either discuss and tell him that as you've both agreed you want to get married, either he needs to ask you, or you will ask him, as you want it formalised.

The beneficiaries of a life insurance policy can be changed in under 5 mins. You have no legal entitlement whatsoever.

I think the truth is, op, you are submissive with him because you are scared of being forceful. Your thread title says you have a niggling feeling he won’t propose and I think that feeling is justified in the circumstances. I think you are scared of torching him off full stop - and I think you sense there is a risk of that so you tread delicately with talk of just a ring etc.

But this really isn’t about a ring. My friend used to have a jewellery shop that sold antique and high end second hand jewellery. He had to turn away the vast majority of the near new rings from broken engagements that came in looking for onward sale: it happens all the time.

The elephant in the room is why. 🐘 Why four years or even a couple of years? The flower girl thing is silly. Men couldn’t care less about a flower girl and she probably won’t even do it. She’ll get stage fright or demand to be carried by the bride or be scared of the officiant, or want to sit on grandma’s lap because she keeps Moams in her handbag. It’s sweet when it works, but you don’t build something as important as a wedding around the performance of a small child. The “never work with children or animals” advice is cliched for a reason. In any case, I think it’s far better for a child on the whole NOT to remember their parents wedding day. It’s nice to feel you came into something that’s as old and solid as the hills. So move past the flower girl bit. Tell him you don’t want a flower girl 🤷🏻‍♀️ to just get that red herring off the table. It’s reasonable to ask what the reason for the delay is.

This is a relationship that might not have survived if you hadn't got pregnant after only 3 months.

Maybe he'd have married his ex if she'd done similar so quickly

Are you this submissive with other people in your life if you don't mind me asking? You seem to take everything he says at face value. Do you interrogate people's motivations at all?

By not being upfront and demand what you want. Him making haribo jokes and you hinting maybe this or whatever pointed towards a much younger couple. What you want is something extremely reasonable and you shouldn't feel embarrassed. Have a proper conversation. Good luck.

This is it in a nutshell. Forget rings, and plans and whatever else. He doesn't give a shit about your financial security. And that will no doubt extend if (, when) you're a lone parent in receipt of maintenance.

Yes, I agree.

They didn't get married because he didn't want to share his money with her or give her any legal protection.

That's why he's also not keen to marry you.

But maybe if you tell him all you want is a pretty ring and you're not asking him to make any real legal commitment he'll relax and buy you one.

And here it is op.

he doesn’t want to marry. You said you weren’t really bothered about mariage…only now to say that you want it.

his intentions should be clear to you now. He won’t do it anytime soon. Probably not when your daughter is 4 either. He is happy the way things are and will try to maintain that as long as possible…until you are fed up.

hi op!

i think reading you, that you disagree with his timeline.
if you had a child together, that he is serious about it all then he should « put a ring on it » and stay engaged until you both decided to marry.

there is still something odd about it op. Making you wait is just not nice when you shoulder all your responsibilities your side. Is there another reason? The « i don’t want to buy you a cheap ring » is out of line…and defo buys him time.

hmm…there is more to it!

@Cheesygirl just go and buy the ring you like (from your joint account) and tell him "this is my engagement ring".

Why don't you just say, "4 years doesn't work for me" and tell him what timescale you would like to be married in?

The only symbol of commitment is actually being married.

Your partner has already demonstrated this by being engaged to someone he was with for 11 years and never actually marrying her.

You don't seem to be understanding that a symbol of commitment/ring means absolutely nothing whatsoever. If you're just someone who likes jewellery, go nuts, but don't be under the impression that it means anything at all. But whatever you will tolerate/ not tolerate is up to you at the end of the day.