To have a niggling feeling that my bf won't propose to me?

Nothing. It's about him maintaining control over the situation.

It shows he's committed?
No, it shows he's setting the agenda and controlling the timeline.

I think you've succumb to the Hollywood romantic fantasy where things need not be spoken and the protagonists just know by sensing each other's feelings. Just tell him you want to get married because you love him and have a family, and ask him if he wants to get married too. You then go from there.

Why 4 years though? What does he think will be different in 4 years?

Why is he the only one who gets a say in the timeline? I would just discuss it with him.

As somebody who left a man who wouldn't marry me (although I later realised I was mad to want to marry him) I might be projecting here.

But I'd go the other direction. Don't announce manifesto style, but just tell him quietly that you were overly focused on the ring to distract you from the realisation you've had, that he doesn't feel blessed to have met you, he jeopardises your relationship by not valuing it, or you. He doesn't want to value you or secure the relationship. Just look at him and let him know that that's what you've realised.

Then think about what you have on your own. You're daughter, your job, your future, your optimism, your belief in yourself?!?!?!? that last one is what holds us in crappy relationships with half-hearted men.

A baby is more of a commitment than a wedding/marriage though. It's a lot easier to get break up and never see each other again with no kids involved.

Have you had a discussion about future children together? Is that in the pipeline or are you one and done?

I have been on MN for 18 years and honestly the whole I would like our child to be a flower girl at 3-4 years old usually turns into let's have another baby, that is more important than a wedding and before you know it you are now 6 years down the line from here with 2 children and still no wedding because the children cost too much and how will you afford it bollocks.

Personally I think getting married sooner where you can palm off a baby for the day onto anyone who will hold them is better than the 3 year old flower girl situation. Our friends got married with a 7 and 4 year old. The whole focus of the day for the bride and groom was on their children no matter how many willing people tried to take care of the children and then the wedding night was a family room with all 4 of them in it.

If he wanted to marry you and be engaged to you he would be. If he is saying a flower girl aged 3-4 then he will marry you in 2027 you can be engaged now with a view to that being your wedding year. Bet he won't commit to that though.

I don't understand some of the responses here. OP, if both of you agreed to have children outside marriage and were happy with that, that would be one thing. But you have made it clear you want to marry. This idea that it is too soon for him is ridiculous. The moment he had unprotected sex with you, he consented to have a child, and once you've conceived, he's tied to you for life. I'd tell him that he either formalises your relationship by marrying you pronto, or you're prepared to leave the relationship and start over with someone who actually cares about your feelings.

Tldr: if you're not 'the one', he should have used condoms.

Maybe you need to explain to him why getting married is so important to you. Like literally a list of all the positives and advantages you can think of, no matter how bureaucratic or boring.

To a lot of people there's no rush or they don't see it as important at all, having a child together and living together and parenting together 24/7 is far more of a commitment than a bit of paper. Some people want to avoid it because they don't want the stress of planning it all or feeling like they're the centre of attention or they have family issues where things could involve drama.

I'm in that situation, marriage doesn't have a meaning to me (I have the relationship I want already), so I don't care.

Then you need to have the conversation and tell him this.

Standing in a public museum is not the right time or place.

You need to relax, you haven’t been together long, yeah there has been a pregnancy and a baby thrown into the mix but you are both still getting to know each other. It’s only been 1.5yrs you’ve been together, in the grand scheme of things, that’s nothing.

As for those saying a baby is a huge commitment, it really isn’t when you see how many people separate after having a baby. The commitment when having a baby is to the baby and to be the best parents you can be.

enjoy your relationship as it is for now without putting more pressure on it.

I guess what I'm saying is that I find it depressing how cavalier some people seem to be about creating a new life.

If you're a woman in a new relationship and you don't want to get pregnant then you need to accept that condoms aren't the most reliable form of contraception available and use something with a lower failure rate. If you're a man in a new relationship and you don't want to get the woman pregnant then you need to accept that condoms are the only form of contraception available to you personally, and use them. If everyone did this then the number of surprise babies would be close to zero. Because the fact that a baby has resulted from unprotected sex should not be a surprise to anyone in 2024.

But since this baby exists, the OP isn't really the sort of person who can afford to sit around hoping for a surprise proposal with the perfect aquamarine ring. All she can do is decide whether she's willing to stay with this man and accept potentially never getting married at all, or address the subject head on with her partner and move things along on a timescale they both agree on.

This!

What does "being engaged" mean to you OP?
Also don't be indirect with him, then sulk when he hasn't responded to your indirectness the way you wanted. Grow up

I’m not seeing the point of this though he’s said he doesn’t want to marry for three to four years. Why would his answer change?

But an engagement is completely meaningless. It can be over in the time it takes to say “it’s over”.

Normally I don't have much time for the live-in boyfriend stringing his partner along for years with vague promises of marriage. But by today's standards you haven't been together long at all and a lot has happened in that short time. I'd imagine your boyfriend is reeling with all the unexpected changes and he'll hardly be ready for yet more right away.

I know the ring conversation was an attempt to playfully introduce a serious topic but it probably wasn't the right way to go about it. It might suggest you are focused on a pretty, expensive toy more than the relationship and that you might want other expensive, pretty things for the wedding (we all know how quickly all the Instagram worthy 'bridal' bits and pieces can add up). I'm guessing these aren't actually your priority but your partner will already be worrying about the cost of living with a baby and saving for a house.

Would you be happy with a cheap ring and a basic, registry office wedding if it meant you got the legal protection of marriage? Are you able to get some prices to show him it doesn't need to be expensive?

You aren't in a great position to negotiate anything unfortunately (unless he asks for another child) but if you aren't willing to propose yourself you will just need to wait on his 3-4 year timeline.

This. Don't be so passive OP.

Is it getting married or the wedding which worries him. Is it that you have a dream wedding in your mind. I have always dreaded a big formal do so when my partner and I agreed to get married we also agreed on a small wedding..a party in our house after registry office.. Another friend had a bbq in her garden after a registry office wedding. Too much ego and showing off in lots of weddings nowadays.

I ne er got engaged we just decided to get married one day and 6 weeks later we were married. This pestering about engagement rings is quite frankly cringe. If I was a bloke it would put me right off.

No it isnt. In what way do you think it is? A marriage and a mortgage would be though.

Insist?
Last I checked both parties had to be consenting to make a marrige legal.

You don’t need a ring to be engaged (or married for that matter).

You don’t need a proposal to be engaged.

You can agree a date together for this wedding you’ve both discussed and do that. Or you can insist on a civil ceremony now to protect you and your child.