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Original poster

To have a niggling feeling that my bf won't propose to me?

463 replies

Cheesygirl · 13/07/2024 08:45

I have a niggling feeling that my bf won't propose to me. We have a very good relationship where he is thoughtful takes care of me, gifts etc.
I fell pregnant very early in the relationship and now we have a six month old daughter. He is a good father(he now does 50% that I have gone back to work). We are saving to buy a house, he has a life insurance set up for me and my daughter and he shows he is committed all the way.
However I have the niggling feeling he won't propose to me for engagement or marriage. He says he wants to marry me and our daughter to be a bridesmaid in our wedding when she is about 3-4 and he has told other people as well.
He hasn't However spoken about any engagement interim or any other form of formal commitment. I asked him to sign a cohabitation agreement with me but didn't want to saying real love doesn't need contracts and he finds it insulting.
I do believe that he loves me a lot he is saying that daily and doing things to prove it so there's no doubt about that. Yesterday we were on a date day at the Natural History Museum and we were at the gemstone section. I told him that I like the aquamarine stone and I would like some day a ring with this on it. He was joking about Haribo rings and he had some banter throughout. When we went to the pub, I was looking at rings (not Engagement just jewellery) with aquamarine. We looked at a few and said that he wouldn't buy me a cheap ring. Then I said what about engagement rings? As the description of a few rings was mentioning engagement. He replied, "Where did that come from " . I said it is on the description. "This isn't what it is about " he said then.
Then he continued the joke about Haribo rings and that I shouldn't wear it on my left finger in case of confusion. I said so what you wouldn't want people to think we are engaged or married? He replied definitely not with a Haribo ring lol. I said to him is that how much you value me? He said obviously he was joking about that and that love is not counted in material value. I said to him that's a part of it as well. But something about his whole reaction to the engagement ring mentions threw me off so I wasn't as warm the rest of the evening. He picked up on that and started asking what is going on and if I love him. He then said I'm his everything to him.
The thing here is that he is showing that to me daily. However I just have this feeling inside me. I dont know if I'm right or wrong here. I don't believe he is lying when he says he loves me etc.

OP posts:
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Needmorelego · 16/07/2024 19:11

@2chocolateoranges I've read the full thread.
I can't figure out if the guy is stringing her along or not. He might be. He might not .
But I can't quite figure out exactly what she wants either.
It's all this whole thing about a "proposal" and how she thinks he "might" propose in 18 months time yet he has already said he "wants to marry her". Surely that means they're engaged. What's this mythical proposal for?
She seems to have it as ring = officially engaged.
If she wants a ring that badly and they have a joint bank account why can she just go and buy it?
I still don't know what my comment (about buying a ring herself) had to do with man hating?

2chocolateoranges · 16/07/2024 18:05

Needmorelego · 15/07/2024 12:36

@2chocolateoranges the OP is the obsessing about a ring though.
What's that got to do with "man hating" ?

If you read the full thread you will see that people are saying “he’s just stringing you along” , “ he’s a shit partner”, he’s an arsehole for not committing” and “ men like this never commit”

pikkumyy77 · 16/07/2024 15:40

pollymere · 15/07/2024 11:41

The whole haribo thing suggests he knows you could get engaged with a cheap ring but he's being cagey. I think it may be that he's saving up to buy a decent ring. The looking at gemstones thing and the ring catalogues sound like too much of a coincidence. Don't push.

You can either take the step to sit down and discuss marriage in a year's time or wait and see. If he's intimating a date 2 and a half years in the future with perhaps a year and a half to plan that suggests he's not planning to propose for a year!

Ugh.

lalalapland · 16/07/2024 13:17

Cheesygirl · 15/07/2024 10:10

Legally we are entitled to a lump sum thru his life insurance. I dont need money from him for myself in the event we split up. I want him to co parent and contribute to his child expenses though. That's the only thing I would need him to do. He said though he wants to give me that legal commitment even though I'm not fussed so much about marriage. But ye before that it has to be the ring.

I'll agree it does seem off that he didnt marry her in 11 yrs. I dont know why he stayed so long but I'm doing everything in my power to not replicate the same situation. I dont know if she gave him an ultimatum or what.

I'm honestly confused about this thread now. So you just want the ring but you're not so fussed about marriage?

Your child is a far greater symbol of commitment than a piece of jewellery. Is there a reason that you want a ring in particular? Is it to demonstrate to other people that you're engaged? Can I ask what you have done for him to show commitment? (excluding your child which seems to not count as a commitment in your opinion)

It's not as if you've been together 5-10 years, it's only been 1.5 years, and during that time you've had a child. I think you need to realise that your relationship isn't only about your wants, there are 2 of you each with your own opinions and needs.

oakleaffy · 15/07/2024 22:00

Cheesygirl · 15/07/2024 10:10

Legally we are entitled to a lump sum thru his life insurance. I dont need money from him for myself in the event we split up. I want him to co parent and contribute to his child expenses though. That's the only thing I would need him to do. He said though he wants to give me that legal commitment even though I'm not fussed so much about marriage. But ye before that it has to be the ring.

I'll agree it does seem off that he didnt marry her in 11 yrs. I dont know why he stayed so long but I'm doing everything in my power to not replicate the same situation. I dont know if she gave him an ultimatum or what.

I thought OP
was far younger
23 or something
37 with a man of 41?!

He’s not wanting to marry at this late stage.

Haribo???
He’s a man child!

edit
Sounds like a tick tock time running out grab at first ok ish man, get pregnant and hope he marries.

NEVER do this!

Marriage first.

Thursdaygirl · 15/07/2024 21:26

Kindly meant OP, but if you go ahead and have a second child with him without being married I would then doubt it would happen at all.

I agree

Tv23456 · 15/07/2024 21:15

Kindly meant OP, but if you go ahead and have a second child with him without being married I would then doubt it would happen at all.
If you feel foolish you can only blame yourself.
Having a second baby having forced a ring from him .....that ultimately means diddly squat, will indicate you have really been "mugged off", disrespected and thrown crumbs to shut you up.
You will have deserved much better but will have accepted so very little.

Thursdaygirl · 15/07/2024 19:14

He hasn't However spoken about any engagement interim or any other form of formal commitment. I asked him to sign a cohabitation agreement with me but didn't want to saying real love doesn't need contracts and he finds it insulting.

This bit worries me, and maybe that’s why the OP is feeling a bit twitchy? He’s not offering engagement (or any sort of ring) even though that’s simple to get out of, or a cohabitation agreement (presumably easier to get out of than marriage), so I can understand why his vague talk of marriage in 4years time sounds a bit hollow.

In your shoes OP, I would be suggesting you plan a small wedding to take place before Christmas. His reaction will answer all your questions. Otherwise you’re going to be uneasy for the next few years,and possibly beyond.

laraitopbanana · 15/07/2024 18:28

Cheesygirl · 15/07/2024 10:10

Legally we are entitled to a lump sum thru his life insurance. I dont need money from him for myself in the event we split up. I want him to co parent and contribute to his child expenses though. That's the only thing I would need him to do. He said though he wants to give me that legal commitment even though I'm not fussed so much about marriage. But ye before that it has to be the ring.

I'll agree it does seem off that he didnt marry her in 11 yrs. I dont know why he stayed so long but I'm doing everything in my power to not replicate the same situation. I dont know if she gave him an ultimatum or what.

hear ya, you don’t need his financial support.
So if his commitment is enough as it is… I wouldn’t rock the boat just to rock the boat. Also if his timeline is too blur, I would actually give him yours. Then you stay strong in what you need of him and he will feel you are not after anything he « has ». No uktimatum, just a « I would want to have a ring before…. » something completely unrelated to him so « I turn 40 », « my little girl can see I don’t have a ring »…something alongside that…

Also…Life insurance beneficiaries can be changed very easily op. You need actual account in your daughter name that she will have at 18. Until you are married, that is safer to protect her interest. You don’t need to change something for you I believe.

DanielGault · 15/07/2024 17:36

Rainwind65 · 15/07/2024 17:32

I think that OP just feels insecure about her relationship, hence needs 'commitment' to be visible in a ring or whatever the form, but largely happy with what she has got. It is OK keeping the status quo and don't want to rock the boat. Just approach it with caution. I think it is quite passive way to deal with the situation, but again, everyone's different. Maybe she doesn't feel secure about leading the convo about concrete plan of wedding. Personally I can't just not discuss this big elephant in the room for the next 2 years...

I think you're right. I also think she'll be back here in a couple of years giving out that he's shacked up with a younger model. I'm not trying to be mean, but she needs to find a bit of ownership over her own life here.

Rainwind65 · 15/07/2024 17:32

I think that OP just feels insecure about her relationship, hence needs 'commitment' to be visible in a ring or whatever the form, but largely happy with what she has got. It is OK keeping the status quo and don't want to rock the boat. Just approach it with caution. I think it is quite passive way to deal with the situation, but again, everyone's different. Maybe she doesn't feel secure about leading the convo about concrete plan of wedding. Personally I can't just not discuss this big elephant in the room for the next 2 years...

HoppityBun · 15/07/2024 17:22

Having read through all the posts and seen the OP push back on everything I no longer know what she wants.

SwedishEdith · 15/07/2024 17:16

Where were you living before you moved in with him? Do you want more children?

Needmorelego · 15/07/2024 15:27

@Cheesygirl but why can't you just say to him "Look...we don't need an official engagement or a ring. Lets just get the licence and do it now and make us legal. I really want to be married to you".
Or you could do a fancy proposal to him....

DanielGault · 15/07/2024 14:49

Cheesygirl · 15/07/2024 14:41

Maybe it has no meaning to you and that is ok. Tbh I don't know. Many people are drawing non substantial conclusions really that he doesn't want me and wouldn't stay if I wasn't pregnant while i have been very independent all along an told him we shouldn't do that for the baby only. He chose to do this with me. Also people saying im submissive I'm asserting what i want.

Yes he is my partner and I have to take what he says face value and trust him. He had bo reason to react how he did and I questioned that. As far as I know the beneficiaries won't change as its what he wanted to do off his own accord i didn't ask for insurance.

I'm just having a bit of doubt at the moment but I'll wait as I say 1-2 years to bring this issue up again if I need to.

Show quote history

You don't have to take what he says at face value. You need to look at what he does. Which so far is knock you up and refuse to discuss marriage in any meaningful way. You're being extremely passive and tbh this waiting business seems quite ridiculous when you're expecting a baby. What exactly is he waiting for/ afraid of?

Original poster
Cheesygirl · 15/07/2024 14:41

TheCryingTheBitchAndTheFloordrobe · 15/07/2024 11:51

Actually a ring would mean something and yes I do like rings etc. It's more the acknowledgement I like not so much the legal protections etc

This is absolutely bonkers. A ring has no meaning at all and he doesn't even want to give you that at this point. You sound very insecure with the ring fixation. The legal protections are so much more important.

Maybe it has no meaning to you and that is ok. Tbh I don't know. Many people are drawing non substantial conclusions really that he doesn't want me and wouldn't stay if I wasn't pregnant while i have been very independent all along an told him we shouldn't do that for the baby only. He chose to do this with me. Also people saying im submissive I'm asserting what i want.

Yes he is my partner and I have to take what he says face value and trust him. He had bo reason to react how he did and I questioned that. As far as I know the beneficiaries won't change as its what he wanted to do off his own accord i didn't ask for insurance.

I'm just having a bit of doubt at the moment but I'll wait as I say 1-2 years to bring this issue up again if I need to.

OP posts:
chocorabbit · 15/07/2024 13:43

Calliopespa · 15/07/2024 10:36

I think the truth is, op, you are submissive with him because you are scared of being forceful. Your thread title says you have a niggling feeling he won’t propose and I think that feeling is justified in the circumstances. I think you are scared of torching him off full stop - and I think you sense there is a risk of that so you tread delicately with talk of just a ring etc.

But this really isn’t about a ring. My friend used to have a jewellery shop that sold antique and high end second hand jewellery. He had to turn away the vast majority of the near new rings from broken engagements that came in looking for onward sale: it happens all the time.

The elephant in the room is why. 🐘 Why four years or even a couple of years? The flower girl thing is silly. Men couldn’t care less about a flower girl and she probably won’t even do it. She’ll get stage fright or demand to be carried by the bride or be scared of the officiant, or want to sit on grandma’s lap because she keeps Moams in her handbag. It’s sweet when it works, but you don’t build something as important as a wedding around the performance of a small child. The “never work with children or animals” advice is cliched for a reason. In any case, I think it’s far better for a child on the whole NOT to remember their parents wedding day. It’s nice to feel you came into something that’s as old and solid as the hills. So move past the flower girl bit. Tell him you don’t want a flower girl 🤷🏻‍♀️ to just get that red herring off the table. It’s reasonable to ask what the reason for the delay is.

Show quote history

What @Calliopespa and @DanielGault said. I am saying this with kindness but please be more assertive.

Sarvanga24 · 15/07/2024 12:59

Cheesygirl · 14/07/2024 23:34

If he didn't want me or love me he wouldn't stick around at all because of the baby. That's just silly. I even suggested abortion so I made it easy if you like. I dont know why he didn't marry her or if she even wanted that
.

At his age, perhaps he just wanted a child and abortion would have been unpalatable for that reason?

Perhaps I'm wrong, but I suspect you need to admit to yourself that you do actually want the legal protection of marriage - downgrading to a 'promise ring' is obviously even more worthless than an engagement that may or may not go ahead (as he has already proven). Ditto any insurance policies - beneficiaries can easily be changed.

Things have happened in an incredible and inadvisable rush. Let the man settle for six months, then have an adult conversation about why the legal protections of marriage are important.

Needmorelego · 15/07/2024 12:36

@2chocolateoranges the OP is the obsessing about a ring though.
What's that got to do with "man hating" ?

Diddlyumptious · 15/07/2024 12:28

My DS has told his partner he won't marry but he's committed, joint mortgage, joint bank accounts, life insurance to her, so as good as married. Trust that he loves you and it will happen. Good luck

2chocolateoranges · 15/07/2024 12:15

Needmorelego · 15/07/2024 09:47

@Cheesygirl just go and buy the ring you like (from your joint account) and tell him "this is my engagement ring".

Please don’t do that!

the more I read on this site the more I realise it’s such a man hating place to be. Not all guys are arseholes!

Needmorelego · 15/07/2024 12:07

@pollymere but before he did that formal thing did you consider yourselves engaged? Did you call him your fiancee?
To me the moment you have agreed to get married = you're engaged.

Geiyotue · 15/07/2024 12:05

OP I'm shocked you're older than early 20s, you sound incredibly naive. This man won't marry you. He doesn't want to. He will string you along until you get fed up.

If you want marriage (and you should, for legal protection if nothing else) then put your foot down and tell him it needs to be booked.

You honestly sound so wet and, I'm sorry to say, stupid.

pollymere · 15/07/2024 12:04

Needmorelego · 15/07/2024 11:49

@pollymere but if he has said he "wants to marry her" (as the OP says he has) how is that not a proposal already?

I had similar. We'd agreed to get married - and actually chosen a ring together. But he actually got all formal and went down on one knee having arranged a romantic picnic in Kew Gardens.

TheCryingTheBitchAndTheFloordrobe · 15/07/2024 11:51

Actually a ring would mean something and yes I do like rings etc. It's more the acknowledgement I like not so much the legal protections etc

This is absolutely bonkers. A ring has no meaning at all and he doesn't even want to give you that at this point. You sound very insecure with the ring fixation. The legal protections are so much more important.