Teacher married to non teacher

You mean their father who if I remember correctly, was an equal part in creating them…

You came here upset and worried.
People have given you suggestions.
A dad can leave the house and go to work, do a hobby, whatever and that is fine.
But you can't leave the house to do something for yourself for the sake of your sanity and therefore making you a better mum. You're better off, the kids are then better off and so is your husband.
You aren't fucking off for hours, you're putting your oxygen mask on before you put on others. You're making sure your glass is full so you can pour into your children's glasses.
But you have decided that isn't for you, then fine. I don't understand why you have come hear to complain... Oh hang on I do! The reason you came here to complain is because actually you are or are almost at the point of burn out. Then when you're fully burnt out you are miserable, which transfers to your kids and your husband.

Step back, read the comments with an open mind and consider what has been said rather than telling those who are simply suggesting to look after yourself that it's a ridiculous suggestions.

Ffs. Did you all have kids and not expect to bring them up , look after and spend time with them. Why is it someone else’s responsibility?

You’re in the trenches right now OP, it does get better. I’m a full time primary teacher, and DH is self employed so we can only afford for him to take time off when we’re actually going away. DDs do/did go to in laws four days a week in term time so don’t ask them to do any babysitting outside of this, my mum lives 200 miles away and my dad is constantly on holiday.

Summer before last when DD1 was 3 and DD2 was 1 was HARD. Last summer was ok and this summer (DD1 is 5, just finished reception year, and DD2 is 3, now at preschool) I’m actively looking forward to. They play in the garden together, colour, build things etc fairly happily, and we have tons of play dates planned. They’re so easy to take out now; we meet friends at the park/soft play/beach, and they all just run off together and play.

Hang on in there; you’ll forget that complete mental exhaustion soon and be grateful for the holidays. In the meantime, lots of caffeine helps.

He’s not working until he passes out when he’s away, is he. The nights he away - does he get dinner in peace, watch anything he wants without keeping an ear out, have the choice of a long shower/bath, think about anyone’s needs but his own? It’s not about the fact he goes away for work - he gets time that is wholly his own and you don’t. It’s something my ex doesn’t recognise as well - that yes he works all week but he never has to think about anyone but himself unless directed to do so. Parenting with a small p.

You’re in the middle of it right now. I know, my boys are the same age (1 and 3). I’m exhausted. But… try to shift your perspective. I work 5 days a week year round, every penny I earn (and more) goes on childcare but I’m terrified of leaving the workplace. I cry every week because I am missing this time with them. We have no spare money, I had to borrow money from my parents to get their hair cut. Yes it’s hard. But I think it’s a perspective thing rather than the TTO thing. As they get old it will shift. I haven’t had a holiday because they keep getting ill and between DH and I we’ve used most of our annual leave for illness.

No it makes you a martyr. You are complaining on this thread that you don't get time to yourself, that the thought of six weeks holidays is depressing. However as the thread goes on its clearer that your lack of alone time is your choice.

You could have swimming lessons where the parent doesn't need to go into the pool, you could take a few hours out to do something at the weekend and leave the DC with DH, you could buy more nursery time in the holidays or arrange the days so that they are in nursery together. Every suggestion made to you by pp who have been through this is batted away, not because its impossible but because you don't want to do it.

Its hard to feel sympathy for someone so determined not to change things even when they have choices.

I think what you are suffering is end of term exhaustion and just longing for some time to yourself. People who don't teach have no idea how tiring and stressful it is and how we need downtime in the holidays. Just because you are home does not mean you shouldn't have your kids booked into some holidays clubs, or organise playdate exchanges so you get some me time. I also know that my husband finds it hard working when the rest of us are home. Start to book in some me time and you should start to feel a bit better.

Exactly this. I’m sorry you feel nagged at OP and believe me I’ve been in a very similar situation so do understand frustrations. But either something changes or you carry on as you are. You have to accept that your husband has to step up/in if you want the alone time back again, not dividing time with the kids or just doing everything together. He gets days of no work/no kids time, start recognising that it’s not about his job and yours but the division of actual alone time which is completely unequal.

Your mindset is that you are primary parent and that you must have responsibility for all the things and it is bad not to want to and even worse not to enjoy it.

Structural sexism is hard to escape especially if you can't see it.

You matter as much as DH.

Decide what will make your life better and plan for it.

You could have a week away doing something of interest in summer 2025 if weekend things don't work for you.

What is it that you actually want?

You say that you want help in the holidays?

Everyone has said that the obvious answer is for your husband to take more leave. Not possible.

Or take some time at the weekend for yourself. Not possible.

Or use more paid childcare. Not possible.

It's really important that everyone takes ownership of their own lives. If you want something different then something will have to change

Wouldn't we all! 🤣👍

YABU.

It is relentless to look after small children, especially a 1 and 3 yo. You are lucky to have them in nursery, 2 days. It is good that you can have some time to yourself.

When my DC were small, we had no help. Childcare just didn't exist to fill the gap of school and it wouldn't have been fair for them. There are 190(ish) school days and 276(ish). With 25 - 30 days leave, there are some big gaps to fill if both parents work.

I was self employed for a few years, working 7 days, it was exhausting. OH retrained as a teacher. It is way easier now DC are older.

It won't always be this hard. 💐

it isn’t this summer troubling me so much as the one after - and after that.

So now you‘ve clearly articulated to yourself what the issue is, and the great thing is there’s time to solve it. If you tell your DH that future summer holidays mostly spent with no downtime where he can tag team you more, and give you more time off alone in a few chunks, is a worrying prospect, then when planning next year’s annual leave (and after that!) you can get a better balance.

I understand your frustration but there's a very simple solution of putting them into holiday club a couple of days a week once they're school age. If you don't want to do that, for whatever reason that's fine but it's not like you don't have a choice.
If you weren't a teacher you'd probably have to use holiday club to some extent. Won't you have some work to do over the summer anyway as preparation for next year?

But that is a false equivalence because he is hardly doing any childcare in the week.

I do feel like that a little but we have a fair split in the week and I believe DH is rather lucky to have me planning everything ahead and filling in all the sodding booking forms.

I do like this concise yet accurate response.

Ouch! 😆😆😆

I think the reason people are up in arms is that this is the same for everyone in that if you work and your children are at school, you have to use all your annual leave to cover school holidays.

No one gets a child free day.

But non teachers' annual leave isn't enough to cover all the school holidays, so not only do they have to use all their annual leave, they also have to organise and pay for holiday schemes (which often don't cover the full working day and are a PITA to get to etc). You don't have to worry about any of that.