He stayed out to help a lady get home safe… AIBU or is DH?

Exactly this.
He is deflecting so that he doesn't have to explain his behaviour- drinking for hours on end and going home with another women who he " couldn't get away from".
Much easier for him to turn things round on to you when he has behaved in a very poor and very suspicious way.

Sounds like there were obviously other people who could help the stranded drunk woman ie the friend who gave the lift. Your husband I think just wanted to stay out drinking for longer and knew this sounded good! He’s 100% now trying to distract with the ‘you weren’t concerned about me being late’ All rubbish. Equally as others have said I would in the future carry on the normal routine when he is not around and ignore any timings from him as he’s shown he can’t be relied upon! If he does this often then that’s another issue to discuss, as is the fact he wouldn’t help you when you were stranded. The picture you are painting of him doesn’t sound good but obviously I realise this is a snap shot

The sabotaging plans by getting plastered the night before knowing you'll be in no fit state to either drive or have family fun is appalling. If he's over the age of 18, even more so.

It was also one of the first signs of alcoholism in my first ex.

It’s nice of him to help the woman home. The comment about you not being concerned for his safety is either coz he’s drunk or a nob (you’ll know best!), for that but your not unreasonable.

As per the OP…

“We’re also supposed to be going for a day out tomorrow. It’s a 2 hour drive away and we should be leaving the house at 9. I don’t think he’ll be in a fit state. And the day out is for our daughter who is really excited about it.”

Tell him exactly what he's doing here. That he is deflecting to avoid discussing his poor behaviour, and you're not going to fall for it.

You’ve embellished a bit there! Who said he’s too drunk for the day out? You’ve also
missed the bit where he made sure a vulnerable woman got home safe.

I think all the my daughter needed a kiss good night is overdone and throwing him out is drama. The OP set herself up to be the victim of the narrative. Who keeps any child up for a parent who’s at the pub? It was always going to end up with cross words. They have a big day out today - the child needed to be in bed not waiting for a kiss. Yes, they may be ND which is why it needed to be handled differently from the get go. But to be honest ND or not, I’d not be waiting up with them for someone in the pub. The OP was looking for a row and got one.

Leaving the other woman out of it, his behaviour despite it is already outrageous.

If we turned this around and it was the wife who went out ‘for a couple of drinks’, which turned out to be drinking for nearly 10 hours straight, subsequently leaving the husband to take care of the kids all day, and when she does finally get home she starts playing the victim and guilt-tripping the husband. Then the following day, is too hung over for a pre-planned day trip with the children. How is this even remotely acceptable?

Why do so many women have such a low bar for male behaviour? And anyone who believes the "I can't come home because I'm helping a drunk woman" story is naive in the extreme.

If this thread was about you going out for a couple of drinks at 2pm OP and not coming home until 10pm because you got chatting and you wanted to help a drunken man get home, while your husband and ND daughter were calling you and DC was upset you weren't home, you would be absolutely flamed.

What sort of husband and father just disappears off drinking for half the day anyway? I don't think I know any men like that. I'll probably be told I don't live in the "real world", in which case I'm glad I don't.

What you had to say would’ve been best left until he’d sobered up.

I don’t see you pointing out that he’d let his children down was weaponising them. If he’d told them he’d be home before they went to bed he should’ve been. He didn’t seem to realise that so needed to be told. Apparently.

Looking out for a drunk woman is a decent thing to do. Seeing her into a taxi would be enough. I don’t see why he needed to escort her home, go inside and listen to her woes which were probably maudlin drunk blethering. Does he go home with drunk male friends and stay for hours to make sure they are ok? They’d be at just as much risk as she was.

And she might have thought taking a man to her home when she was drunk might make her less upset about her marriage but I doubt her husband would’ve sympathised. How did your husband think him going there would help that situation?

It’s all bullshit. He’d met up with a woman, maybe by chance, and went home with her. Just because he was home by 10ish doesn’t mean nothing bad happened. People don’t only cheat late at night. I think he kept changing the time he’d be home waiting to see how long it would be before she invited him to her house. The 1% battery would explain why his phone was off while he didn’t want to be distracted by you. Don’t suppose you checked that. I don’t think I’d think of that at the time.

Sorry to be so blunt. Maybe his explanation was true and just stupid behaviour because he’d been drinking since 2pm or maybe it was just a stupid excuse- the best he could come up with having been drinking since 2pm. I think you need to get an STI check and think about your situation

Sorry OP but who is this woman ?
When he went out drinking is it her he went drinking with? Because presumably if she was so drunk she had been on a long drinking session similar to your DH.
Does he normally go out drinking with other women while you are left at home with the children?
It's also one thing for him to see her safely home. But saying he couldn't get away from her is another.
I wouldn't be happy about his behaviour and that's even before the upset he caused to your daughter.

You just need to stop being your husband’s mother

It’s exhausting just reading about it.

Oldest trick in the book…making himself out to be the real victim, deflecting from his own bad behaviour to try to guilt trip you. It’s manipulative.

I would never accept this kind of behaviour, you’re not being unreasonable at all OP. He sounds rather self-entitled, especially with his attempt to turn this around on you. He knows what he’s doing.

I’m not really buying DH’s excuses. He should be home with his family and not escorting this woman home. He could have called a taxi for her and paid for it if he was ‘really concerned’ and it would have taken 5 minutes. His actions and smirking make me think that he isn’t invested in his marriage or children.

This!!

This

Surely I'm not the only one who has heard this same story as an excuse before?

There's more to it imo OP, sorry.

@SoulSissss He left you stranded?! How did eventually get home? That's really shitty of him.

Sorry OP. Nothing to add apart from he's a complete jerk.

Not cool… I’d be having words about white knight syndrome and the effect it has on the family at home.

@shuggles
OP's post at 00.10

They got a lift from another friend.

Absolutely fine for him to help a woman home IF he shows this level of consideration towards the people close to him.
If he’d happily let you make your own way home but can’t possibly let a woman he has no responsibility for get her own taxi then he’s not doing it because he’s a kind person.
Seems like he shows a total lack of consideration for you and shouldn’t be ‘helping’ others at the expense of his own family.

This. Next time say nothing and let him come to you full of apologies the next day.

What driver?