He stayed out to help a lady get home safe… AIBU or is DH?

But they were with at least one other friend throughout (the driver) so what was the DO's vital role? He couldn't drive. Someone else drive them. Before that, they were in a pub surrounded by people. Unless he was hand pumping her emergency oxygen supply, it's hard to see why he was essential to her safety.

Is he problem drinker? He switched tactics on you mid conversation because he's uncomfortable so he l turned the tables as a diversionary tactic. That's either addictive behaviour or he's covering up something.

The ND thing; PP is right in her advice. With my eldest particularly I used to be quite explicit in talking about promises versus aspirations or how much time variation we might reasonably expect if the aim was to have the dinner at 6pm and would it be better to say "between 6 and half past" and so on... It helped.

Then you have the bits where unreliable (alcoholic?) partner and ND collide.

It might be an idea in future not to tell her about special days out etc ahead of time unless you are confident you can pull it off solo if DO is hungover.

The helping a woman he knows get home seems reasonable to me and so although a bit annoying he was late, wouldn't bother me overall.

But it bothers you and he needs to take that into account, not what strangers on the internet think, so address this with him.

Wait until he's slept and sober, it's not a conversation worth having with someone already drunk.

If he ditched the woman and something bad happened to her, everyone would be calling him a monster for not looking after a drunk person.

Oh I bet he knew he'd get a lift too if he hung around for her mate. But, really he's just full of excuses to carry on drinking. You seem to suggest that it's not the first time he's come back late after drinking. I'm sure he had other excuses then too.

I think 10:00 at night till 9:00 the following morning is plenty of time for someone to rest and sober up, especially if they are not paralytic, which it doesn’t sound like he is, being able to have a reasonably normal conversation. Why do you think he won’t be in a fit state by then?

Other than your probablyND DD and the possibility he won’t be fit for tomorrow, do you have any issue with what he did? You seem to have no concerns about infidelity so I’m going to ignore that, it’s the obvious one that a lot of posters have jumped on, but I can see, from your description, why you might have dismissed it.

I think telling him off (?Badgering him?) when he came in was a bit off if this isn’t a common occurrence. He’d had a nice time out, done a good deed and then come home to hassle and bad feeling. Unless there’s a bigger story, other issues, or you never get time away when you want it, I kind of see this as the turning point here. It was a one off. It caused you more hassle than you wanted, of course, but being able to occasionally not be constricted by timetables because you have a partner who you can rely on is one of the joys of a good marriage.

But I do see there could well be bigger issues that these two things last night are just highlights for. Does he not see DD’s needs in the way you see them? Is this a bigger issue that the one night and his not making sure he gets back when he said he would just one way he lets her down and you have to pick up the pieces and deal with the distress when he never needs too and has no ideas for handling it? Can you rely on him to see to your DC’s needs if you aren’t there and want to stay out longer than initially agreed? And does he have form for not being fit for family time because he’s priotised drinking? Because these I could see being the sorts of issues that start as one offs and become bigger and bigger in impact (even if the actual “offence” is less than the time before). and not only that they have an impact, but that they signal a lack of engagement in the family. Leaving all the hassle to you.

I think what he did is OK, as long as it isn't part of a pattern. But his questioning you about whether you were worried for his safety, and in particular that He began smirking and rolling his eyes when you explained, very logically, why you did not call him casts him as a bit of a potential arsehole, and possibly as a misogynist. However, if your child is so upset when you aren't both home when you say you will be and doesn't accept that plans can change, maybe agree on backup plan if one of you is delayed or has obligations elsewhere and she does get upset by this. This shouldn't fall on one or the other of you disproportionately.

Helping someone home is fine, but I'm not so sure about:

Battery miraculously recovering
Deflecting and blaming you for not calling him
Blaming you for not being worried (Deny/attack)

If my phone battery was on 1% at 7.30pm...there's no way it would still be on and able to text at 9.15pm.

Was he putting you off trying to contact him 🤔

Come on people, he wasn't just seeing her home. She "made him" stay in the pub drinking with her for a couple of hours and THEN he saw her home. After he'd already been there for about four hours. He could have said he'd see her home but she'd have to go there and then. There must have been someone else in the pub who could have kept an eye on her if she refused. He's prioritised this comparative stranger over his wife and child.

You know that is probably why this upsets you because he should have come to get you then or have helped in some other way- got a taxi, called a friend of the kids couldn’t be disturbed.

He did the right thing for this acquaintance, but not for you.

Another day when heads are calmer, I’d raise the issue with him. Not tonight. Not tomorrow (as big day out). Perhaps Sunday?

@SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice of course I wouldn't want to see any of those scenarios happen to a vulnerable woman, but I'm just speculating as to why the only person available to her to provide support was the Ops dh.
If he really was the only person.present who could ensure her safety, then of course he did the right thing. And if I was his partner and he explained to me just how vital his intervention had been for this woman, then.if course I would be fine with that....

No point arguing with him when he's drunk and on the defensive. He probably thought he was being a knight in shining armour and is not happy to find you don't share his point of view. Although when he's sobered up he might realise what an arse he's been. If the disappearing out for hours drinking is a regular thing, then you need to have a Proper Talk. It's really not on to leave you to cope on your own, at what is plainly a stressful time with your DD.

@WTF99

he potentially saved her coming to harm for the sake of what? Coming home two hours later than he thought he would?! It wasn’t even late at night!

Probably because falling over drunk people who are drowning their sorrows tend to also broadcast these sorrows to anyone and everyone around them.

Trust me, I learned this the hard way too! (two of mine have ASD)

So it would be ok for a random drunk woman with marriage issues to be potentially at risk so long as the DH gets home at half 8 instead of at 10? What about a random sober woman with no marriage issues?

You seriously think 90minutes of his time is worth so much to the OP “and his children” that you’re ok with him just ignoring a request for help?

You know that random drunk woman with marriage issues could be you or your sister, or a friend one day. Would you be ok if there was an inquest and MrSmith was like “yeah the victim was drunk and asked me to see her home, but getting home to my wife and kids by half 8 was more important, so I left her there. I had no idea she’d fall into a canal and drown- it’s only a 30min walk but I just couldn’t spare the time”

Why would he be listening to her marriage issues? Does she not have a female friend to confide in who she could also walk home with? Can't be doing with this distressed damsel/rescue me scenario, which he was apparently only to happy to help with

I'd be pleased my partner had seen a drunken woman home safely.

I wouldn't be impressed with one that had been on a whole day drinking marathon, whose words are inconsistent or who speaks to me in a disrespectful manner.
Those are far more serious for me than walking someone home.