Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He stayed out to help a lady get home safe… AIBU or is DH?

283 replies

SoulSissss · 12/07/2024 22:32

DH went out for “a couple of drinks” at 2.00pm. He text me at 5.30 and said that he’d be having another couple of drinks. He then messaged at 7.30 told me he would be home at 8.30 and also told me that his battery was at 1%. However, he then bumped into a lady he knows, who asked him to make sure she got home safe. She was drunk but not paralytic. It’s hard to access taxis in the place we live. He text me to tell me this at 9.15.

So our children stayed awake to get their goodnight kiss from daddy, but I had to tell them that unfortunately thing had changed and daddy wouldn’t be able to be home in time.

DH has just got home just after 10.00 and explained that the lady was upset about her marriage and wouldn’t stop talking to him about it. He said he felt he couldn’t leave her incase something happened to her. I totally understand that but explained that it’s not his job to babysit an adult. He could have explained that he would be leaving and could make sure she got home okay if she left now. I then said that DD was upset (suspected neurodivergent) that he wasn’t home. He said he tried for ages to get her to leave but it was difficult.

He then completely deflected and said, well if DD was so upset, why didn’t I phone him. I explained that I knew he was on 1% battery ages before hand and we had been waiting expecting him to come through the door any minute. He said “so you knew I planned to be home at 8.30 and when I still wasn’t home at 9.15 you weren’t even concerned for my safety???” I explained again, I didn’t think his phone would even possibly still be on at that time and that no, I wasn’t concerned for his safety! He began smirking and rolling his eyes.

I told him that I’m really upset at how he is speaking to me and I’d be happy if he just left the house. I think he is being completely out of order. But maybe it’s me?

I know I’ve given specific timings for messages. I’m not actually that anal about stuff, but I want to share an actuate timeline so that you get the full picture.

AIBU??

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
CathyFitzs · 22/07/2024 15:48

I may, and indeed I hope, I'm
wrong but he may well be having an affair. Phone out of battery is classic so you won’t try to contact him plus of course trying to deflect blame from
him
onto you. Just be on the lookout for more odd outings! Hope he was a genuine Good Samaritan

unhappywskid · 16/07/2024 15:34

PotholesAnonymous · 14/07/2024 18:38

I have many many questions about this and also a theory.

Q's:
What happened to the people he was with all afternoon?
If the story of the vulnerable woman is true - why did she trust him (as someone she barely knows) to see her safely home?
How could he see here safely home anyway if he has also been drinking and taxi's are hard to get?
Surely you would just alert the bar staff to keep an eye on her? If she's well known the bar staff would deal with it.

Theory:
There was no woman. He just wanted to stay out a bit longer with his mates so made up a scenario where it looked like he was being a hero.
(he didn't realise this would open up a question of infidelity - men are a little basic when it comes to these things)

Edited

This. Spot on.

LuckySantangelo35 · 15/07/2024 12:51

PotNoodleNancy · 15/07/2024 10:25

I’m very choosy when it comes to friends and don’t keep company with the sort of people who attend ‘bottomless brunches’, so I’ll refer you to my original comment.

Pissed people are so unattractive!

Show quote history

@PotNoodleNancy

why wouldn’t you be friends with someone who went to a bottomless brunch?

Chartreux · 15/07/2024 12:39

JournalistEmily · 15/07/2024 06:54

If he’s a good guy I wouldn’t give a shit about this. If there’s other shady behaviour then it’s definitely annoying

You wouldn't give a shit about the blatant lies about the phone with no battery charge, or the attempt to put blame on you?

CandiedPrincess · 15/07/2024 10:51

PotNoodleNancy · 15/07/2024 10:25

I’m very choosy when it comes to friends and don’t keep company with the sort of people who attend ‘bottomless brunches’, so I’ll refer you to my original comment.

Pissed people are so unattractive!

Show quote history

Bet you're a bloody barrel of laughs. You wouldn't be friends with someone who went on a bottomless brunch?

PotNoodleNancy · 15/07/2024 10:25

LuckySantangelo35 · 13/07/2024 10:38

@PotNoodleNancy

lol

there are plenty of women who like day drinking too - why do you think bottomless brunches are so popular?!

people - men and women- allowed to drink you know - even when they become parents! You don’t need to be tee total to be a good parent!

Show quote history

I’m very choosy when it comes to friends and don’t keep company with the sort of people who attend ‘bottomless brunches’, so I’ll refer you to my original comment.

Pissed people are so unattractive!

JournalistEmily · 15/07/2024 06:54

If he’s a good guy I wouldn’t give a shit about this. If there’s other shady behaviour then it’s definitely annoying

Atsocta · 14/07/2024 23:58

Sounds a right loser to me, ..in other words he spent all this time drinking and with another woman while you sat at home…really 🙄

Firethehorse · 14/07/2024 22:05

Your husband is in the wrong and you’re getting a hard time OP.
He chose every action and had a total disregard for you left at home and for the family day out.
I find it hard to believe others would be happy for their partner to be drinking with a woman he thought had ideas on him, never mind waiting to take her home.
Talk about low bar even before his trying to blame you.

LemonDropsXx · 14/07/2024 20:58

AngelinaFibres · 14/07/2024 20:43

My second husband would absolutely avoid all day drinking sessions and any female colleagues with problems of a personal nature. My first husband would have actively sought them out and fallen into their vaginas once home. I prefer my second husband. Only you know which version you are likely married to Op.

This made me laugh because this is exactly what my two husbands were/are like 😂

AngelinaFibres · 14/07/2024 20:43

My second husband would absolutely avoid all day drinking sessions and any female colleagues with problems of a personal nature. My first husband would have actively sought them out and fallen into their vaginas once home. I prefer my second husband. Only you know which version you are likely married to Op.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 14/07/2024 20:32

He stayed out because he wanted to. He was enjoying keeping this woman company. It's as simple as that.

Merrythoughts7 · 14/07/2024 20:20

Hmmm, my ex once did a similar thing, he was just leaving the pub at about 11pm and his young employee had an attack of some sort in the street and 'made' him go to A and E with her til the early hours. He was furious, went on and on about how annoyed he was with her, I sympathised with him. Turned out he was having an affair with her all long.

Itsmecathy87 · 14/07/2024 19:57

This whole "helping a woman to get home" story sounds like massive BS. Stayed in the pub longer with her, then takes her home with help of another male? Also 1% battery was a lie. Gosh, I'm fuming on your behalf. And then you come on here and posters are questioning you over minor details.
I hate to say it, but perhaps your husband was planning on doing more with the woman

Jeannie88 · 14/07/2024 19:42

LuckySantangelo35 · 12/07/2024 23:30

This! ⬆️ @SoulSissss

Show quote history

Agree, if partner out for a few drinks, whether me or him, it's a case of take a key! Always has been, fun time with friends with no restrictions or need to interrogate. Xx

Jeannie88 · 14/07/2024 19:39

No point talking to someone when they're drunk. Leave it til next day. Xx

Dibbils · 14/07/2024 19:29

He’s gaslighting you by turning his shitty behaviour around on you “not being concerned for his safety”! I would be absolutely furious about the whole thing! 😡

MayNov · 14/07/2024 19:24

He’s deflecting and blame shifting plus his story sounds dodgy as hell. You’re being incredibly calm given the situation.

Jengnr · 14/07/2024 19:09

SoulSissss · 13/07/2024 05:21

He just kept reiterating “so you wouldn’t even be concerned for my safety and even attempt to call me if I wasn’t home 45 minutes after the agreed time.” I said that, for starters, why would I try to call someone whose battery was on 1% 1 hour and 45 minutes earlier. He said “so you’re telling me you wouldn’t even try.” Then all the eye rolling etc, as if I’m completely inconsiderate and uncaring. 🤦🏻‍♀️

No, I wasn’t worried. I (correctly) assumed you were being a dick.

SpiritOfEcstasy · 14/07/2024 19:04

His reaction is DARVO. He knows he’s out of order and somehow you’re at fault…in your shoes I’d be pissed. He has prioritised a ‘woman he knows’ over you and your children.

fetchacloth · 14/07/2024 18:58

GrumpyPanda · 12/07/2024 22:51

How many more couple of drinks will he be having on Sunday? So unattractive.

Sounds like my ex H to be honest. Sadly they don't change🙄

PotholesAnonymous · 14/07/2024 18:38

I have many many questions about this and also a theory.

Q's:
What happened to the people he was with all afternoon?
If the story of the vulnerable woman is true - why did she trust him (as someone she barely knows) to see her safely home?
How could he see here safely home anyway if he has also been drinking and taxi's are hard to get?
Surely you would just alert the bar staff to keep an eye on her? If she's well known the bar staff would deal with it.

Theory:
There was no woman. He just wanted to stay out a bit longer with his mates so made up a scenario where it looked like he was being a hero.
(he didn't realise this would open up a question of infidelity - men are a little basic when it comes to these things)

Opinionwontchangeluv · 14/07/2024 18:28

I'm on the fence with this

Eadfrith · 14/07/2024 18:24

I’d be pissed off too and annoyed that my husband was getting involved in another woman’s hot mess of a life late into the night when he’s got a family at home. And as others have said the hours long drinking session? I hope you get equal time to go out and do what you want to do? As for an opinion on if you are being unreasonable, I don’t really know the full picture so couldn’t really say but I’m not surprised you’re pissed off. No thought for you on his half.

Vynalbob · 14/07/2024 18:09

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 12/07/2024 23:42

So it would be ok for a random drunk woman with marriage issues to be potentially at risk so long as the DH gets home at half 8 instead of at 10? What about a random sober woman with no marriage issues?

You seriously think 90minutes of his time is worth so much to the OP “and his children” that you’re ok with him just ignoring a request for help?

You know that random drunk woman with marriage issues could be you or your sister, or a friend one day. Would you be ok if there was an inquest and MrSmith was like “yeah the victim was drunk and asked me to see her home, but getting home to my wife and kids by half 8 was more important, so I left her there. I had no idea she’d fall into a canal and drown- it’s only a 30min walk but I just couldn’t spare the time”

Show quote history

OTT
If she seriously wanted someone to see her home safe she wouldn't have lingered.....how longs too long ...1am lock in.
Either she was playing the husband or the hubby is playing the OP. The chances of neither having a hidden agenda in this case is very low.... although it might just be hubby wanting to stop out later so spinning a yarn to avoid questions.
Yes I'm cynical.

Swipe left for the next trending thread