Is DN rude or is this ok?

When you say only people do you know she talks to other adults? Friends parents for example? You only see her monthly that’s hardly frequently. Maybe the only adults she talks to her parents and grandparents which would be so odd

She sounds shy. Please don't make a big deal out of trying to get her to respond. Just say hello and move on.

You could also talk to her about your life rather than asking her questions. Just tell her a story about something you've been up to. Take the pressure off.

It does sound a lot like situational mutism. Yes you've been in her life a long time, but if she only sees you once a month and only with other people around that can be difficult.

I wouldn't make a big deal of it. If her parents are doing the "has the cat got your tongue" routine that might well be making things worse. If she struggles with this, drawing attention is likely to just make her more self conscious. You could mark yourself out here as being a safe space by saying something to distract the parents away. A little "that's ok, we all feel like that sometimes, shall I get you X to drink?" and then she can always just nod. Just give her space.

I know several kids who are very able to do stuff in school but in other situations they really can't. I was one of those kids at that age! I eventually got a job talking to strangers for a living so I definitely grew out of it!

I'm pretty surprised that you're a teacher and don't know about situational mutism. This definitely sounds like a case

I’d be very surprised you were the only people she behaved like this with. Very strange behaviour, but I’d probably just ignore it . Her parents and grandparents must know it’s odd and are choosing to ignore it for now

Have you not considered selective mutism, social anxiety, ND?
What 7 year old is going to try and be "cute and coy?" It's not rudeness, the girl can not speak to you.
I have been this child it was literally like my brain was blocked and I could not respond in certain situations. I hated it and really wanted to speak but just couldn't.
Many ND people and people with social anxiety and/or selective mutism do well in performing arts because it's scripted but can freeze in social situations. I loved drama at school and I communicated well with some people. The shame when I could not speak was awful and I felt so much worse when people pointed out how quiet I was or tried to force me to speak. Please be kind with your DN.

My sons biggest problem adults are dhs sister her husband and their children. Its like an embargo.

At one point he wouldn’t even step foot inside mils house if they were there. He would just walk out, wouldn’t come to the dinner table, won’t talk.

OK, it’s a phase (phew) and it’s not personal.

Suggest do what makes you feel comfortable - eg reducing direct contact - till it blows over.

Don’t put yourself second; at DN’s age she needs to see normal adult interaction and if that’s withdrawal, that’s ok.

Some children are rude. Luckily so - rude is fixable.

ASD, not so much. Child mental illness, yikes. Social anxiety is a bitch to cure even in adults. It’s not shyness.

Kids can be like that. Her parents are acknowledging it, prompting her gently to speak, then moving the situation along. This is really the only way to deal with it until the phase is over.

I was like this as a child. It really just came down to shyness and a huge lack of confidence. Once a month is not really that regularly imo and she could very well just have not warmed to you. Personally I think
some people know how to interact with children in a way that makes them feel comfortable and some just really don’t and they just keep forcing it in the wrong way and make the child feel worse.
All your “if this was my child I wouldn’t stand for it!” nonsense makes me understand why a shy child might not warm to you.

Oh my good god. My nine year old struggles to talk to familiar adults. She's just shy for christs sake. She's not being rude or selfish or spoilt. She's shy. I'm not going to force her to talk, she'll grow out of it. Sure I could force her but I'm not mean.

Quite honestly if you teach for a living and can’t recognise social anxiety/selective mutism/possible asd/special needs then I feel sorry for those you teach. Labelling her rude is not nice. Seeing a child once a month is not regularly.

Look up selective/situational mutism

I could have written your post about our DN(8). He totally blanks us (his aunt & uncle), his grandfather, and also both of his grandparents on his DF’s side. He is all over our DC like a rash, but all adult family are blanked and always have been right from toddler age.

His parents are very strict with manners with please/thank you in restaurants (does grudgingly) but saying hello, thank you for your Christmas/birthday presents, goodbye etc to adult family never happens.

He is severely molly-coddled (DH’s family say this, not me although I agree) by SIL, to the slight exclusion even of his own DF and I think her overbearing way with him has prevented him having the tools and ability to build relationships with other adults on the family.

It’s sad as he’s the only DN we have. We try with him, we see them regularly, but alas no better.

My 15 year old is like this. Maybe after an hour or two he might warm up enough to give you some very short answers.

We did all the say hi say bye, people did the well if you don’t answer you won’t get a drink and he just doesn’t answer. You can’t actually force words to come out of their mouths.

In our case it’s an unless he feels comfortable around you he won’t talk to you, and if you’ve ever wronged him your added to the list of un comfy people.

He would rather starve, go thirsty and stand in the cold and rain than engage with some members of dh’s family.

Mutism is really awkward ime. Because it’s offensive and impracticable it’s irritating but you can’t let that show cos the silence could be an anxiety disorder & you worry about freaking the child out.

The disorder is taken much more seriously than it used to be cos it’s a red flag for serious mental illness in adulthood.

I would try and find out - delicately - if DN speaks at school. If she does, heave a sigh of relief and ignore, she’ll grow out of it.

If she doesn’t, the school should intervene with psych help.

Either way, it’s not personal.

My daughter ( who is admittedly a bit younger) is just like this. She’s full of confidence at home, has lots of friends and isn’t shy with them but for some reason just absolutely cannot talk to grownups! She’s always been the same and we have a star chart to encourage her to say hello to the teacher in the morning and ask questions etc which seems to be working well. It’s just a form of social anxiety. I think give her a break or maybe ask her parents about it and voice your concerns as a teacher rather than just say it’s rude.

My DD12 does Stagecoach, sings, dances and acts - but tell an adult what she'd like? No chance- she hides!
Not rude, she situationally shy.

Could she be autistic? Sounds like selective mutism, where there is extreme anxiety in talking to people outside of immediate family / very close friends.

Just because you don’t know the valid reason for her behavior doesn’t meant there’s not a valid reason for her behavior.

If you love her, love her anyway, ‘faults’ and all.

You may well be intimidating to her without you being aware of it. She may have social anxiety bubbling away. She might not have found her confidence yet. She might have a diagnosis family aren’t willing to share.

As you are the adult in the relationship, all you can change is how you interact with her. if you’re not sure what changes you could make to increase her comfort level, you could ask her parents if there are changes you could make to the way you interact with her that would make her more comfortable. You might find some more information that will help you both move towards the relationship you’re hoping for.

Completely ignore it - she will grow out of it.

some kids are just really shy around adults (different with peers)