Is DN rude or is this ok?

Yes they can if they have situational mutism. It's a freeze response as they want to answer but physically can't so don't know what to do

My niece was like that, apparently she was 'shy' but do shy kids stare into your eyes while refusing to answer questions??

She’s 7. 7.

and yours on here asking if she’s rude. And supposedly a teacher.

so yes op. Let’s label her rude, instead of thinking maybe there is a reason behind this you’re unaware of.

nice.

Nice bait mate 🎣

I thought you'd say she was an adult but she is a 7 year old child. Only because in your world it is "only family" it's obviously not "only" to her. Just keep being kind to her and keep including her. She is a little girl. I've met lots of shy children who can just freeze up in social situations. Don't add to any anxiety assuming they are weird or rude. Be the bigger person and keep being a safe and nice adult. Eventually, hopefully she will feel equally comfortable around you as others in the family.

You're a teacher and you have never come across selective mutism?

Just don't make a big deal of it. hopefully she will grow out of it, but if she doesn't then at least be a safe space for her, where she doesn't get any pressure

My 5 yr old dd is like this, fine with other kids, fine with close family but won’t talk to any other adults. She’ll speak to her teachers but only if necessary. We’ve taken it to be shyness, apparently I was the same at her age and grew out of it. I don’t think young kids try to be rude, it’s just something she’ll grow out of.

My dn was similar with my sil always answering for her which didn’t help. She was never given the opportunity to speak really so just rarely did. Sil would say hi, bye thanks etc while dn just stared. As times gone on, she will say a bit more if I talk to her but I make sure to ask her simple questions that she could nod or shake her head to if she felt shy. She now will usually answer in single sentences. She’s now 8.

I don’t think ‘has the cat got your tongue Katy’ is ever going to be a useful comment from family. Drawing attention to it won’t help. Nor will parents doing all the talking for her. I would just ask Katy closed questions that she can respond to non verbally for now so the pressures off. If she does respond verbally just be really chilled about it like it’s no big deal because if loss of attention is given, she might not do it again

Spot. On.

I'm shocked you're a teacher. How have you not had experience of this?

Definitely sounds like selective mutism. My DD was very much like this and still is actually. She's autistic. Very confident in some situations (performs in front of hundreds of people most weekends) but certain situations make her mute and I have to answer for her. She will also correct. She says it's like her mouth is sown shut.

Leave the poor kid alone and stop making it a big deal. Do keep trying to talk to her. But don't draw attention to it like some of the pp suggest!

But surely you'd at least explain to close family (eg your brother if you have one), that your child has been diagnosed with autism and struggles to speak to other adults?

Surely that would also be for the benefit of your child so all the adults involved could understand and accomodate?

She maybe a selective Mute,
Anxiety in certain situation ? X

Sounds really rude and needs a parent to tell her to stop being a rude brat

And I say that as the parent of a child with autism. I don’t force him to engage in conversation but he has to say hello back to his family at the bare minimum. Once he’s said hello, he is welcome to revert to solitude!

She is obviously shy and you are not one of her safe people. Lots of kids are like this with adults. Performing on stage is different because it's a script.
Drawing attention to this will only make her feel worse. Just be friendly when she's around. Maybe don't speak to her directly at the moment. When she arrives say hello to the whole group ( hi guys, hi everyone) rather than to her individually. If she's playing with her cousins speak to them all together ( you girls look like you are having fun etc). Make it easier for her to interact with you without making it look obvious ( for example you could say "hands up if you would like a drink of milk". She might find it easier to put her hand up than physically speak to answer). Don't speak directly to her at the moment putting her under pressure to answer.This approach should make her feel more comfortable around you.

I think it’s the parents who are rude not the kid. My children would love not to have to talk to loads of people and would stay silent if they weren’t forced to talk by us!

Yes, exactly that. 🙄

Don't be so perverse, there is evidently something going on as parents and grandparents are trying to manage it. Op is an adult and able to not take it as a personal slight

I agree with all the PPs re social anxiety, selective mutism etc etc

However the bit that strikes me as strange in the whole situation is the way it's accommodated while simultaneously ignored by all you in-laws. I can't get my head round the fact there's bit been a conversation with your DH.

I can't imagine seeing a sibling at least monthly and not confiding in them about what is going on in my DC's (and their nieces) life. Similarly, I can't imagine my mum or dad not at least acknowledging that their granddaughter/my niece struggles with xyz.
It sounds like a big massive elephant in the room.

Surely they've noticed how the little girl interacts with her uncle, and would think an explanation to the uncle would be helpful. Not just to avoid any weirdness but also to suggest how he could deal with it/make the situation easier.

One of my best friends (met in adulthood) was a professional actress who has very recently been diagnosed as autistic (after her little one was diagnosed as autistic). She was a musical prodigy as a child who frequently performed, came across as highly confident, had a solid friendship group, took dance classes, leads in school plays, got first tv role at school etc etc. She confided in me, "sometimes I have this weird thing where I can't speak. I'm selectively mute. It used to happen more as a kid but I just can't control it and it sometimes happens now." I'd never have believed her until one day it occurred randomly in a group setting and she just stared at me and started pleading with her eyes for me to explain, all the while others thinking she was displaying the height of ignorance and bad manners. She grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the room and just shook (after I'd explained to the group). I held her and it took over an hour until she could talk again. It happened one more time on public transport, I was chatting away and she just started blinking at me and again I saw the utter fear in her eyes because she desperately wanted to speak but couldn't.

A seven year old is old enough to come up with other more effective ways of being rude to you. If she is experiencing situational mutism the families approach is dreadful. Gently, this isn't about you. Something is happening for this little girl and she can't communicate with you. Whether it's extreme shyness or mutism, she needs support for whatever this communication problem is and a gentler approach.

You’re not strangers, but you are obviously not as close to her as those who see her much more frequent. Usually once a month is not much at all.

I have a niece that was like yours with me. Her mother would have her say hi and I would say hi back and leave it at that if she didn’t want to say anything else. I would compliment things she had on or done and she would say a shy thank you. It wasn’t until she was about 6 that she became more comfortable with me and it was due to playing a group game alongside her. She learned that I enjoy games of all kinds and later crafty things which I joined in with when we visit (things she enjoys as well)

With our oldest being a few weeks older than her and asd and our second being born when she was three, I had spent most visits focused on our children and had little time and chance to interact with her and and her to get to know me outside of being Aunt Phoenix, her cousins’ mum and her uncle’s wife. Once our sons were older and a bit more independent, I was more able to participate in group activities with her.

She’s nine now and you would never know that she was shy with me. I’m cool Aunt Phoenix who plays whatever board or card game she want, loves to decorate cookies for Easter and Christmas along with her, loves cute stationary like her, and sends the best presents.

Is there anything you have in common with her that you could perhaps bond over?

One of my cousin's was like this to our nan, who was the loveliest person ever. She wasn't shy at all but was too weird whenever my nan asked something or offered a drink. Never did find out why🤔

I'm so glad after the first few embarrassing answers some posters have mentioned selective mutism.
Best thing to do is speak to the child nicely without expecting anything back and go on with your day.
It's not personal

My son only speaks to people he chooses, he doesn’t speak outside of these ‘safe’ people it’s not offensive he is nd and he’s not being rude or naughty. I’m amazed as a teacher you have not considered she is either very shy with you as she doesn’t know you that well I would just say hello to the room when you visit and let her do her thing, I wouldn’t speak to her directly now either let it go and relax and she may do the same or she may not. My parents and sister do that with my son, he doesn’t speak to them but he will smile and acknowledge them now, which he didn’t when he felt he must. Pressure is off and he responds much better.

Some of these responses are the reason so many children struggle with anxiety etc. sounds like a likely case of Selective/ situational mutism and in forcing them to answer they either will a)still not answer because they physically cannot, or b) answer due to being compliant but having such a high level of anxiety that they may never speak again. Well done adults. Excellent work.

Unless there is some kind of issue with her then she is just incredibly rude and your in laws need to teach her some manners!