Is DN rude or is this ok?

DN (dear niece?) aged 7?
YABU
I remember being young (my case around 13) I could speak to some people but not everyone.
I'd dry up, no words would come.
Which would explain how she could say "no carrots" to nanny but not you.
I've read up on it since now I'm an adult and think I had selective mutism.
Depending on who you speak to at my old high school, they either know me as someone who never shut up and enjoyed a laugh or who never heard me speak a single word.

She's 7, shes probably shy around you for whatever reason

I remember my best friend telling me my autistic DS didn't talk to her for years when I wasn't there. I didn't realise! But yes, she didn't label him as rude or anything and he found his voice with her eventually!

I have a friend who is a teacher at my autistic DD's school. If we see her at the beginning of school she will say 'hello' to DD and DD will not say anything but will wave at her!

Screams situational/ selective mutism and social anxiety to me. You've described my nephew to a tee. He found it easier doing "thank yous" to relative strangers than to speak to extended family. He's also now struggling with school attendance. Great kid, such a lot of potential, but also so much to try to deal with.

It's really hard as family because it does feel like it should be easier for them to communicate with you, and it can come across (unintentionally) as rude. You just have to try hard not to take it personally. Try using very closed questions or statements that are binary - yes/ no, this one or that? Less demand takes the pressure off them a bit.

Also, if it is selective/situational mutism then comments like "cat got your tongue?" will make it a million times worse...please talk to parents/grandparents sensitively about that!

You can think what you like but maybe research situational mutism first. Why would I make up an excuse for a child I don't know. I'm saying that this is what it sounds like, I'm not diagnosing.

And talking of being rude...pot, kettle, black?

Are you always ableist or is it just kids that are your focus?

Oh absolutely, all autistic children are just being bratty and we should have exactly the same expectations of them. We certainly shouldn't make allowances for anyone with any differences. Let's make sure that all adaptations are taken away. Rip out the stair rails, ramps and hearing loop systems! Or is it only information processing differences you are opposed to?

Wow, I hope her parents aren't on here.

Leave her alone, she's 7 years of age and shy, possibly ND. I'm not sure what you hoped to accomplish with this post, other than have a bunch of strangers laying into her.

My daughter (18) used to do this as a child and sometimes still does. I used to get so angry with her and find it embarrassing and rude.
guess what- when she hit teenage years the wheels fell off and she was diagnosed with autism- I had NO IDEA and being situationally mute is one of her behaviours. It was very easy for her to mask with some ppl and more difficult with others. Talking with adults when she was a child was particularly difficult.

My best friend told me recently how my daughter didn’t talk to her for about 3 years when she was little- and it took a very very long time for her to be able to- I am so grateful that she persevered and didn’t write her off as rude but just carried on talking to her and involved her and eventually my daughter was able to talk back to her.

My child was painfully shy with adults and fine with children. Grandparents were ok as seen very regularly.

I was mortified but also knew pressuring her to talk would make it worse. Her Aunts and Uncles would chat to her and move on quickly if no reply.

She is 15 now and lovely, confident girl with close relationship with all her family and friends.

I think people calling her 'rude' on here are really unfair. She's 7!!!

I wouldn't over think it or take it personally - in fact, possibly, the more you make it a 'thing' that she doesn't speak to you (perhaps you are subconsciously giving off vibes that you think she is rude), the longer it will likely go on for. Do you try just talking to her (rather than asking questions) or expecting a response? Do you behave like you like her, or could you possibly be giving off vibes that you find her a pain?

I was a very shy child. I had great friends but I found talking to most adults very uncomfortable. The ones I did manage to find my voice with were the ones who I felt accepted me (and my shyness) and who didn't put any pressure on me to speak up.

That is an interesting point - strange way of putting it rather than "I am a teacher". I nurse for a living. I solicit for a living. I build for a living. None of those would work...but a peri/self-employed dance/piano/driving tutor could get away with "I teach for a living".

I'm going to start saying, "I teach for shits and giggles" from now on...sums it up better seeing the state of HE means I'm not always making a living from it!

Lovely.
If she was just a brat I don't think the lack of talking would be so consistent. If she was just rude, she'd talk when she felt like it and not talk when she didn't want to. I've met rude kids who ignore me sometimes but when they want something or feel like talking they do.
The fact that DN never talks to certain people is much more consistent with situational mutism.

I noticed the strange wording “I teach for a living’ and doubt the OP is trained.

The thing is many parents haven't heard of selective mutism. They see their child doesn't talk at certain times and either think they're shy or extremely rude or stubborn. They might chastise their child for being rude which only increases the childs anxiety around talking. Look at all the people on this post who've called the niece a brat. Alternatively maybe the parents do know but don't want to talk about it.
There is very little understanding of selective mutism. I was telling my friend about my son's SM. My friend's been a teacher for 20 years so I assumed he knew all about it. He'd never heard of it!

My DD was like this, chatted away at home, refused to talk to the teachers at school. I took in a recording of her chatting to prove she could talk! She grew out of it eventually although remained very shy. particularly with strangers. You can't make a child talk to someone if they don't want to or feel unable to.

Edit: She couldn't explain to me why she wouldn't talk to the teacher, she just said they hadn't been introduced...

Needs a convo amongst the adults by the sound of it.

Do you think it is because you teach. I have had friends children abit wary of me as they know I am a teacher and I think they feel funny about it.tube she feels she needs to be on best behaviour or feel awkward.

Because it takes a specialist to diagnose. Parents are probably aware that she isn't comfortable speaking to people she doesn't know but they put it down as being 'shy'.

If the child has selective mutism then why doesn’t someone say so?

I can't believe that as a teacher you've never come across selective mutism to be honest. Or are not at least aware of it.

It doesn't sound like she's rude. It sounds like she's never able to answer you when put on the spot, and it is therefore more than simply deciding she's 'rude'.

I've thought about this...

Perhaps, "As DN is getting older and she's still finding it hard to communicate with us, I asked some colleagues for advice about how I could make her comfortable or if I might be doing something to make her more shy...A couple of them said that some of the children they've taught have something called Situational Mutism and it seems like they behave similarly. Have you heard of it? If it's not that, is there anything else you think we could do as a family to help her? I understand she's just struggling but I'd hate it if she did it to someone else and they thought she was being rude. I'll take onboard any advice, we really love her and would like to have a closer relationship."

My DD is like this - she is autistic. I assume you have never looked after her? She just isn't comfortable enough with you.

It's a shame as a teacher you haven't recognised this possible reason.