To ask for the positives of only having one child?

The argument that a child can miss out being an "only" cuts both ways...I was one of three, and very much an unplanned child.

I have two older sisters - there is only 18 months between them, but 7 years between me and the younger of the two. Older sister was very self-sufficient and left home when I was nine. The younger one already had MH issues which escalated rapidly when she became a teenager.

I became what we might now call a "glass child". I loved my parents dearly, but I will always be vexed for them bringing me into the world, particularly as I had to tag along to what was already going on. I would have loved nothing more than to have been an only child, although I did get to experience it to a certain extent, as my father was an only child, and I spent a lot of time on my own with his parents, which I loved as there were no cousins or anyone to have to share with.

There are a great many reasons why I never wanted to have children, and what I've written here contributed to it.

Op- I have one child. Not through choice necessarily (IVF), but I did choose not to go through that again. Never been pregnant again in 15 years despite zero contraception.

I'm one of 6 (big Irish family), always thought I'd have 3 or 4. But honestly if I had my time again I'd still have 1 all over again. I think it's completely under rated. My dd is a teen now- apart from when she was 5, she's never asked for a sibling and told me on many occasions how happy she is not to have a sibling.

Dh has 1 sibling who he rarely speaks to. I am close to mine though especially only to one. Tbh it's hard organising anything as there's too many of us. I feel constant guilt meeting one sibling over the rest. I was very talented in a certain sport and had to give it up as I could never go to the competitions as it was too time consuming for my parents with the younger kids.

I am especially close to my bf who has one sister she never sees. My bf is like a sister to me. We're godparents for each others dc etc. the dc see themselves as cousins. Even without my siblings I wouldn't feel lonely as I have a parents, dh, dc, dog, bf and other friends. I have supported my bf when her parent was terminally ill- picking up her kids, listening ear, making them meals. Things a sibling might do. Having good adult relationships is not about blood, but effort and putting in the time and care.

Positives of one

• we have the most amazing close relationship. As a teen she still gets into bed every morning for a cuddle and a chat
• we are a family of 4 (including dog). We're all very close.
• a lovely chilled house though we have lots of fun too.
• we have much more disposable income
• I'm able to work part time and term time only as we were able to save over the years
• she does a sport at a high level. 6 times training a week (including several early mornings) plus at least bimonthly competitions all around the country. We can facilitate this but probably couldn't with more dc
• lots of time to support education and study. Dd is at a grammar school
• we go on holiday 6 times a year and have been able to very active holidays from when they were 5- skiing etc
• dd has a very active social life, 2 friends here tonight for a sleepover then another trip out tomorrow with another friend. When dd not here dh and I get time to ourselves.
• when sleepovers at other people's houses (usually twice a month) dh and I get a night out. Our marriage is very strong as we get lots of time with each other.
• dd and I have great adventures without having to consider another child (city breaks to see concerts etc)

Considerations

• we got a dog to take all the attention from dd from when they were young. Dogs are quite restrictive so they have learnt to appreciate we can't always do what they want
• have fun! Dh and I know how to channel our inner child. As she's got older we've adapted to get involved in things she wants- badminton, paddle boarding etc
• you need to be willing to open your house up and have their friends around. We have a very open house and dd friends always want to come here rather than their own houses
• as a young dc they had lots of play dates.
• put them in extra curriculars
• be proactive in wider family. Dd is lucky that she has similar age female cousins who she sees a few times a month. Interestingly both of her female cousins have older brothers and for the past 7 years they've had no common interests.
• plan and prepare for the future. We've savings accounts, ISA's, wills etc done already.

Whatever you choose it Doesn't stop the worrying about the future though I think every parent does. 2 of my good friends second children have SEN and they worry about the burden it might leave on their older dc. Life is never straightforward. You can only do your best with what you have and hope for the best.

Please don’t feel shit for making the decision that is right for you. There are a couple of very unhappy people on this thread who are generalising from their own situations.

Yep same. People don't understand the risk of having another kid for some people. It would be another dad aswell and maybe that's just too complicated. I'm also 38 with long term depression. .

To be honest you sound incredibly spoiled and selfish. Yes stuff does not equal love. Your parents not giving you a sibling is not an indication that they didn’t love you. Perhaps there are other issues at play here because you sounds abnormally resentful towards your parents. You are also extremely insensitive.

Same. I started off feeling great about being one and done by choice.
Now I feel guilty and selfish, because I don't want to go through the horrific experience of pre- and post-natal anxiety and depression I suffered first time round.

Well this thread is a mixed bag. I kinda feel like shit for only having 1 now.

Then I think it's fair to say that your childhood wasn't impacted in the most part by being an only child.

If you are the child of a "drug addicted criminal" that's probably rather significant in your upbringing.

Love doesn't mean "stuff." Are my parents loving because I got a pony? More loving when I got a second? Does it mean they really, really love me when I get a fancy car? To them, they probably think so. And I get that I'm massively privileged. Of course, you'd like to have a nice thing than not have it. Selfish? Yep, why wouldn't I be, I was always the star of the show, and other than when with friends didn't ever have to consider anyone other than myself. Inherently you become the only thing that matters, so to speak. Was I spoiled? Yes. Am I a brattish Verucca Salt? No. But I was flooded with experiences and stuff. Most onlys I know were. Definitely my parents overcompensating. Hell would freeze over before they ever admit it.

So yes, my childhood had loads of stuff.

But I'd have given up all the stuff, then and now, to have someone to grow up with.

Our eldest is 10yrs older than the next DC. So he was an only for many years. Constantly asking for a brother. Always longing for the company of other children. When DTwins came along he wept and wept with joy. Absolutely, there are days where he's had more than enough of them. And they each other. They fight.

But to see what they have between them, is everything I wished for as a little girl. And I hope this turns into everything I wish for as an adult.

OP is looking for stories of hope, and wobbling about what it means to be an only. She has discounted the idea of doing it alone for a second child, and I would rethink that, if it were me.

And obviously, and for the third time, experiences may vary.

Encouraging OP to 'go it alone' ????? Reducing the role of fatherhood to sperm donation and what about the child???????

It annoys me when people say “oh but they have good relationships with cousins” - as an only child, their children then wont have cousins. I do feel sorry for only children in times of hardship as, in my experience (from a very large family) that’s when the family really pulls together, no one is ever alone.

i would never have an only child through choice. I do have an only child, through medical reasons, who has quite severe additional needs so have none of the benefits of having an only child, there’s No downtime or play dates here,

Spot on! And considering using a sperm bank/donor to enable a sibling, Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh

One is fine OP. Don;t do it alone with another one, not fair on the child

Honestly, I have two but can see loads of having one. My kids are each delightful on their own but together they squabble and rival each other for attention. With one you might get a break when they're at an activity but equally there's stuff you could throw yourself into together - I take one of mine on woodcraft camp but am always stressing about the one left behind. Ditto with other activities - with kids of different ages there's always a compromise. As a lone parent in particular I think a team of 2 would be a much better dynamic. In short, I love both my kids fiercely and equally, but the dynamic between them is not always a pleasure.

@StopInhalingRevels this thread was a request for the positives of having an only child….

Just because your experience has been negative it is not the same for everyone

I've literally said this. Twice...

I've just been through this thread and actually there are most posts from only children saying it was fine and they were happy than those that didn't.

There are also a large amount of posts from people who have had traumatic childhoods due siblings.

I'm sorry there are those that feel their childhood may have improved by having a sibling but there's no evidence that this would have been the case or you would have indeed got on with your sibling. I can empathise that there only children who have lonely or unhappy childhoods. However as research shows and this thread that this is not the case for the majority of only children. Just because your experience has been negative it is not the same for everyone and you do not know a strangers child better than their parents. Did not occur that that these children are saying they are happy only children because they are happy?

A mother has posted about standing at the funeral of her two dead children. I think some people really need to get some perspective.

I am an only child and I think your attitude is gross to be honest. My parents were divorced, my father was a drug addicted criminal and my mother couldn't cope without a man in her life. You had loving parents that gave you everything and you're bitter because they didn't have another child. No wonder people think we're selfish!

Oh definitely, my best friend and her brother don't speak. That happens, absolutely.

But for every one of those, I know four sibling sets who are hugely supportive to each other.

I think we're reading very different threads if you can only see two only children declaring they would prefer a sibling.

It's just the same as always. The parents of onlys declaring all the great stuff/money/time/resources that they believe makes a very happy child.

I literally had the moon on a stick. It made marginally less aware that I didn't have a sibling.

One thing that really stuck out is the poster "DS studied Egypt? We went to Egypt" and oh my fucking god, same. I went everywhere. Greek mythology? Off we went to Cyclops Cave. Rome? Three times. Probably 5-6 holidays a year. At least. Hoping for any child at the holiday clubs just to have someone to play with. My parents bragging about, "oh, she looooves Rome, really helped with her school work." And my friends would go for one week with their siblings to a water park and I'd feel like crying. That's all I wanted.

I am an only child and both my parents loved me, had time for me, gave me every opportunity they could etc I am forever grateful for them and occasionally wondered what it would be like to have a sibling but never felt that I missed out

Someone has literally just posted that she only has one child because her other two children died. Perhaps this thread isn’t the place for your complaining about how shit it is to be an only child.

I see zero negatives for having one and no positives for having more than one. But I’m staunchly one and done

This thread doesn't show that though as most only children on this thread haven't said they're unhappy with it. A couple have. Not most.

You're just being biased because of your own feelings.

@StopInhalingRevels you aren’t backing up your statements or opinions with any research though. It’s all anecdotal. And your fantasies about having “someone to confide in” or a brother to climb trees with are really just fantasies. Lots of people have highlighted the awful relationships they have had with their siblings on this thread.

Doesn't even make sense either as the majority of only children on this thread have said it's fine (myself included) I think there's 2 on this thread that are unhappy with it, but there are also a few people here that said how much they dislike having siblings and don't get on with them.