To ask for the positives of only having one child?

Again, why not start your own thread to wallow about this rather than hijacking the OP's thread, when the OP began by explaining that she was already feeling down about probably not having a second and was looking for positive experiences?

It displays a complete lack of self awareness. What makes you so important that you have a right to spam and derail this thread by banging on about how miserable you are?

You literally told me my child was unhappy at being an only child and was hiding it from me.

I literally didn't but I'm happy to clarify what I did say again.

My parents are (were? I don't know if they would talk about it much any more) adamant I was a very happy child. And I wasn't a miserable child. I wasn't wallowing around in pity. They provided everything that any child could probably ever wish for. Both materially and experience wise. Did I feel extreme love? Probably not, quite a well to do, old fashioned, we don't do long talks about feelings, kind of family. But I did feel well looked after. That they were very proud of me. I certainly felt they were doing what they thought was the very best for me.

They were all I had. Directly. Cousins and pals are no substitute. But my parents were adamant I wasn't missing out on anything because I had them. And as they were all I had, I certainly wasn't going to tell them any different. They definitely had the attitude that I was very lucky. And in some respects I absolutely was. Like another PP, my inheritance will be different level. That's not to be ignored. And I do account for that, and the difference it will make for not only my children, but theirs. But I never had the one thing I longed for. And that's not suggesting they should have had more children because I said so. Nor being a spoilt brat. Just longing for what I could see all my friends with, another person their age. To love, to play with, to fight with, to hide with. To get into trouble with, to roll their eyes at my parents with. And as an adult whilst the reasons why I long for a sibling now have changed, they are still there. That's not about a spoilt tantrum because I want and didn't get. It's a real sadness.

My life is good. My life is privileged. But I have, and will always want a sibling. And that's ok.

You have my absolute deepest sympathy. I too, have suffered the loss of a child. Pre term. But that's not for this thread. There may be deeply, deeply tragic reasons why we have the number of children we do. And whilst it absolutely determines the number of children we have, I think it's quite a separate issue in how the parent feels, to how a child feels in relation to being an only child or not. It's a totally different dynamic.

One and done here, also not by choice. I was sad at first but now I'm really, really glad I've only got one! My DC asked for a sibling for a while... and now hates the thought of having one! So all good. The obvious one is that there's more ££ to go around. Once a phase is finished, it's finished! No sibling rivalry. No squabbling. No competing for my attention. No trying to be in more than one place at a time... All positive!

Yes you've said in your experience. Which would have been fine had you said that and left it. But you didn't. You had to turn nasty and start telling all the parents of singletons that they are lying about their children being happy and their children are lying to them about being happy

So what do you propose I do about my single child and their two dead siblings? According to you, he's going to live a sad and lonely and unfilled life so would it be preferable to go for a fourth child and run the risk of another child death?

@YellowphantGrey so sorry for your losses and the insensitive comments on here x

I'm really sorry that there are some people on this thread that have had negative experiences of being only children. However, parents are never going to be able to give their children a perfect life. Some only children love it, some hate it, some children with siblings hate it, some love it. You can never guarantee that the life you give your children is going to make them happy, as a parent you can only make the decisions that you feel are the best ones for you and the family at the time. That's just the way it is. We are served the hands we are are dealt and when we grow up we have to learn to accept that hand and make the best of the life we have.

If my son feels lonely as an only child then I'm truly sorry for that. However - my choice was either have an only, or risk my mental health to have a second. If I'd had another there was a real risk that I could have become suicidal, or ended up in bed all day with depression. I could have become bitter and twisted, could have become a horrible mother who resented her kids, or could have become highly emotional and unpredictable. I might have been fine had I had another child, but coming off my medication and leaving my mind to the unpredictable effects of pregnancy hormones and then post natal sleep deprivation was just something I could not risk. For both myself and for my child. If the choice really is between loneliness or growing up with a mentally ill mother / dead mother, I will always pick the loneliness for my child.

But my child certainly doesn't act as if he's lonely . He makes friends wherever he goes, his teachers always comment on what a ray of sunshine he is and he has confidence, is self assured and knows exactly what he wants. He talks to us all the time and we have fun, play games, have movie nights as a family. Maybe he is lonely, maybe he does resent us for not providing him with a sibling, but really I would rather that than the effects that living in a severely unhappy household could cause him.

@YellowphantGrey so sorry about your losses.

i give up. These two are never going to admit or see what they have done wrong here .

You literally told me my child was unhappy at being an only child and was hiding it from me.

Sadly I can't bring my other two children back from the dead.

But that's OK because at least I know their lived will be forever sad and lonely because yours was.

I still have the ashes of my children. Perhaps they could hold those while they weep alone at my grave?

“Parents who choose to have onlys don't like to hear that we'd rather have a sibling than all that stuff that they think it's so brilliant they've given us a head start on. It's all about them”

”There are a minority of only children, who say as adults, they had a great childhood and continue to have a great adulthood.

The majority of only children, as adults, say otherwise.”

have you read your own posts ? These are just some of the examples of generalisations you have made. Also I know you didn’t post any threads but you posted this:

“You mean links to tonnes of other threads all supporting her feelings and opinions”

hence me highlighting these threads aren’t scientific research and don’t really mean anything

Jesus, I don't have the patience (nor the Crayola) to repeat things for a ninth time...

Evidently, at the start of each post you actually need the words "in my opinion" or "in my experience" to understand that's the basis someone is speaking from. Otherwise they are clearly referring to scientific reports and research.

I haven't shared any threads. Just my lived experience.

I don't do the whole "search for any thread ever commented on by a poster" to make comments about "well, you said this on such a date" or "well, you can't be that happy with your husband because you said on that thread that he..." To try and beat them down, or have some kind of "gotcha" moment.

It's low. And a bit stalkery.

I just take people as we all should, on a thread by thread basis. Sometimes people change little details so they don't out themselves, so there may be little inconsistencies. Sometimes they feel confident opening up, sometimes they put on a brave face that everything's fine.

From this thread (although I haven't seen the post I mentioned earlier) she hasn't said anything untoward. But there is a massive pile on of name-calling and nastiness directly at her.

@StopInhalingRevels anyone with any sort of empathy would understand why people who have only children due to loss etc would be attracted to a thread about the positives of having an only child. And reign in their posts when that became apparent

It was one of your first posts. So you can’t blame people for ‘misinterpreting’ when you spoke in confident absolutes and did not spell out that you had written your comment in a misleading way from the start.

Yes but you haven’t just spoken about your own experience. You have made loads of statements like “most only children” are this and that. And “most of their parents “ say they are happy when they aren’t. Where are the stats to back these statements up ? Sharing a few threads on mumsnet is not the same as evidenced based scientific research I’m afraid

The point of this thread was that it was someone who was struggling looking for positives about their own situation. And then people posted their own tales of grief. I would never be so insensitive as to when people were posting about their own circumstances of having one child and the struggles they were having to stick the knife in and go on and on about how awful it was to be an only child. So yes it insensitive and self absorbed.

I don't doubt anyone's negative experience of being an only child and the sadness this has caused them but there a plethora of other threads people can post on or start their own.

I won't say anymore on the matter as I don't think it matters what I or anyone else says on it.

Sigh. I've clarified this seven times. Apologies for not spelling it out as a disclaimer on every post, which apparently is required.

Let's call this the eighth, but if you could pop through the thread and find one of the other seven times (there's seven, it shouldn't be hard for you to find one) it will save me repeating it for an eighth.

I am an only child. There have been pros and cons - I inherited everything and that was life changing in a way it wouldn’t have been if there had been 2 or more of us. I never wanted for anything and my parents were never more than working class. the pay off was dealing with infirm and dementia ridden parents on my own. That was tough.

It never bothered me as a child, always able to entertain myself. I have two close friends who are onlies and they are very similar, very independent, capable, comfortable in their own skin. I don’t think having a sibling is a guarantee of anything.

As for loneliness, yes, I do think that is something I experience off and on, I don’t think it’s the lack of a sibling, however, more my choice of ex-husband, his abuse, and how wary it has made me of relationships generally. I can’t trust and that is sod all to do with being an only child.

Strawberriesandpears was the one in the first place who made the absolutely vile comment about only children being sad figures at their parents graveside.

I've missed that post, I'll go back and find it to see what she said. My interpretation would be that she means it's a sad thought that she would be standing alone at the funeral of (both?) her parents Vs siblings who would have each other for comfort in that situation? I don't see why that's vile? Although I haven't read her words, so can you tell me why it was vile?

People have then responded to say that in fact they have had to bury their own children.

Yes, that's horrible. Tragic and I pain I can't begin to imagine. But also a completely separate circumstance.

Sigh. You never said that was your personal experience. You never said the majority of my friends. You just presented it as objective facts about the population.That is my point 🤦🏽‍♀️ Are you genuinely not understanding this?? If not, I can’t help you with that.

It’s obvious from other threads that @Strawberriesandpears is struggling with obsessive negative thoughts and has sought help for it. I don’t think she can see outside herself at present.

Yes, this is my experience. Are you actually looking for stats for that?

There is no bullying of anyone I see

How convenient. If she writes how she feels, she is name called. Pathetic. Narcissist. Playing a victim.

I'll be very clear for you. That's bullying.

others have posted stories of unimaginable hardship and loss

So she can't be struggling because others have had it worse? Her feelings aren't real or valid? Wow.

then post to links other threads that quite frankly no one is interested in.

You mean links to tonnes of other threads all supporting her feelings and opinions. Isn't it funny how you can't look at those. Let's pretend they don't exist hey. She's just a "self absorbed victim".

I sincerely hope she doesn't think being that the grief or sadness she may have of being an only child is in anyway comparable to people who have lost children or can't have the number they would like. Absolutely shameful.

No it's very clear she doesn't think that. Anyone with basic comprehension of the English language can see she has said nothing of the sort. And yet, several people are trying to invent she has. Indeed, that is shameful.

@Strawberriesandpears was the one in the first place who made the absolutely vile comment about only children being sad figures at their parents graveside. People have then responded to say that in fact they have had to bury their own children.

There's been no acknowledgement from her of how her own comment was triggering and the upset it caused. No apology or anything. So no I don't see it irrelevant or bullying when it was herself who brought it up in the first place.

Are you so utterly lacking in empathy that you can't understand how the content of your posts might negatively affect someone who experienced infertility or loss even if your (futile) aim is to bash those who are one and done by choice?

but harping on about loneliness and suffering is a different topic than what the OP asked for too . People only posted these stories of loss because of the flabbergasting insensitivity displayed by the two of you. Start your own negative thread.