Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Can I refuse a work leaving gift?

85 replies

MyOliveDuck · 12/07/2024 19:38

I work in a massive Corporate company. Today I left my role and start a new (internal) job on Monday. Have worked in this position for 3 years and it has made me ill. Having had no support from any manager (have been through 9 changes of management in 3 years), I have built the job to what it is. At the beginning of 2024, I had a breakdown (work related) and took 5 weeks medical leave. On my return, it took 9 weeks for my manager to complete a return to work assessment, and none of the OH recommendations have been carried out. My mid year PDR was due to be completed by June, but the interim manager took holiday and has not done this despite me leaving the role.
I am thrilled to be starting my new job and the opportunities this also brings. I have also worked really hard to be in the position I am about to be. I look on the last 3 years fondly and appreciate the work I have put in. The company does not. I left today without a word of thanks which really hurts (considering I have made myself ill working over and beyond for a job which has not been recognised). I have heard from a colleague that there was a collection and card going round, but as I have not received 1 phonecall, word of "goodbye and good luck" or words to that effect, a card seems irrelevant. I start the new job on Monday and if there is a card/gift suspect the manager will use this opportunity to build their profile (my new job is near the company MD and it would be good for them to be "seen" to give a gift). Am I being unreasonable to reject a leaving gift? How do I even do this? If a gift was meant with genuine intent, it should have been given on the day of leaving, not after. AIBU? Has anyone rejected a leaving gift?

OP posts:
J0S · 12/07/2024 20:56

if the gift is something like gift vouchers and you don’t want them, you can donate them to a local charity ( like your local hospice ) who can use them for a raffle prize.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 12/07/2024 20:54

WhereIsTheHare · 12/07/2024 19:51

As you say your new job is internal, why on earth would you want to damage your reputation so badly? Accept the gift graciously, and enjoy being away from this team.

This is the only correct answer to your question, OP.

Cherry8809 · 12/07/2024 20:52

Do you really need a dramatic “mic drop” moment?

Accept it graciously, and move on.

PasteldeNata78 · 12/07/2024 20:48

Having moved teams several times within large companies nobody ever made a fuss unless it was a new location.

Anyway OP as PP said any rejection will only make you look like a massive twat. You don't have to gush over the gift. Just say thanks like a normal person then bin/donate/whatever.

ChampagneLassie · 12/07/2024 20:46

I was once given a ridiculously large bunch of flowers leaving a job that I felt the dislike was mutual and the flowers felt tick boxes rather than genuine appreciation (and I knew were in company card rather than a whip around) was also annoying as I was going straight out from work and lumbered with a bouquet the size of small Christmas tree. In first pub some bloke asked me if he could buy them off me for £50 to give his wife as she’d be annoyed at him coming home worse for ware. Happily obliged. Everyone a winner

MyOliveDuck · 12/07/2024 20:42

@Rubyred3 this made me laugh! Puts in in perspective too. Thank you

OP posts:
diddl · 12/07/2024 20:41

I start the new job on Monday and if there is a card/gift suspect the manager will use this opportunity to build their profile

How would giving you your leaving gift on the first day of your new job do this?

Sethera · 12/07/2024 20:40

MidLifeWoman · 12/07/2024 20:27

Accept graciously a d quietly bin the gift if you want to and if it makes you feel better. I have done that with gifts from people I did not like. They never knew, but it gave me some satisfaction.

Don't bin. Give it to charity if it's non-perishable. If it's something like chocolates you could always put them out to share with your new team which would create a good impression. If it's wine or flowers, regift to a friend.

jazzyBBBB · 12/07/2024 20:40

I don't understand - it gave you a breakdown but you look back on it "fondly" ?

I can understand the general disillusionment you feel but take the gift some people will have contributed for all the right reasons.

NotMeAgain2 · 12/07/2024 20:39

100% accept the gift graciously- then smash it to bits when you get home.

Concentrate on looking forward, don’t let the bastards tarnish anything in you future.

Willmafrockfit · 12/07/2024 20:38

if you really dont want it, donate it to charity

Rubyred3 · 12/07/2024 20:36

I had one job where I was miserable - treated unfairly by my boss - not given adequate work and snapped at whenever I approached his desk.

I submitted a complaint and left. He did a whipround and I 'graciously' accepted the voucher.

Bought a new doormat with it. Still gives me a tiny bit of pleasure whenever I step on it.

Jetstream · 12/07/2024 20:32

MyOliveDuck · 12/07/2024 19:53

I would feel grateful that some of the team members have contributed and would thank them personally, however my job has been a difficult one. It is not easy to stand up to project managers and tell them they have not followed " the rules". I have had to do this regularly, but this was my job. I did the job well, even if this meant I am disliked for it. I am not upset about the gift.....but if this had any genuine intent behind it, it would have been given on departure? Not to make a point after the person has left the role (to a better job). After leaving, any kind of gesture seems disingenuous. Is it possible to take the senior manager aside and reject? (not to make a show in front of the office/ anyone but as a genuine point of rejection)

You are not wrong to feel like you. The thing is that they realise how good you are what you do, despite them. Unfortunately they are wrapped up in themselves and it probably hasn’t occurred to them how it looks. Or else they don’t care, people leave all the-time.
None of it is a reflection on you. I can imagine how hurt you must feel.
In the grand scheme of things you are moving to a new role and they may it hard to replace you with someone as dedicated and diligent.
My sister had to arrange all the leaver cards and presents in a previous role, including her own. She is in a much better place now but hasn’t forgotten it.

Boltonb · 12/07/2024 20:31

MyOliveDuck · 12/07/2024 19:53

I would feel grateful that some of the team members have contributed and would thank them personally, however my job has been a difficult one. It is not easy to stand up to project managers and tell them they have not followed " the rules". I have had to do this regularly, but this was my job. I did the job well, even if this meant I am disliked for it. I am not upset about the gift.....but if this had any genuine intent behind it, it would have been given on departure? Not to make a point after the person has left the role (to a better job). After leaving, any kind of gesture seems disingenuous. Is it possible to take the senior manager aside and reject? (not to make a show in front of the office/ anyone but as a genuine point of rejection)

I really think you just should act like an adult.

ChopSue · 12/07/2024 20:29

Don’t be silly. How could you possibly think this would look good to your “new” colleagues?

Despair1 · 12/07/2024 20:29

Hi OP, I get where you're coming from but believe me, workplaces are full of hypocritical people. Not just yours.
Don't do anything that will compromise your reputation.
Wishing you well in your new role

BenchyMcBenchFace · 12/07/2024 20:28

It may well be that if you haven’t received it by now, there wasn’t enough take up on the donations or enough signatures on the card to warrant giving it to you.

And since you’re only moving internally, would it even be expected?

Plus it sounds like the managers are the ones you are upset with, yet it would be your coworkers and colleagues (who donated) you’d be insulting by rejecting the gift, so that doesn’t make any sense.

Plus you’d seem unhinged and totally dramatic. How do you even “take someone to the side” to reject a group gift anyway?

Be glad you’re leaving a crappy management environment, congratulate yourself on your new promotion, and don’t be a total plonker.

MidLifeWoman · 12/07/2024 20:27

Accept graciously a d quietly bin the gift if you want to and if it makes you feel better. I have done that with gifts from people I did not like. They never knew, but it gave me some satisfaction.

MyOliveDuck · 12/07/2024 20:27

@saltinesandcoffeecups fair point

OP posts:
ManyATrueWord · 12/07/2024 20:24

Take gift with many thank yous and gracious smiles and leave it unopened on your desk.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 12/07/2024 20:24

So what would this refusal look like in your mind? Do you picture all eyes on you while your former manager hands you a gift or a card? Then what?

LadyLapsang · 12/07/2024 20:24

When they go low, you go high. Accept the gift graciously, and if you get any input, you could choose a charity donation.

Zanatdy · 12/07/2024 20:23

I really wouldn’t as you’re staying in the company. You can always donate it to charity if that makes you feel better, but colleagues who are nothing to do with what’s happened have donated their hard earned cash and will be pretty annoyed to find you don’t want it and it goes to waste. Better to just say thanks and move on. Best of luck with the new role

AgnesX · 12/07/2024 20:23

Are you sure there was a big enough collection to actually warrant a gift happening? Sometimes it's unfortunate that it happens that way in the corporate environment.

More to the point what's it going to achieve apart from making you look like a right pudding. It really won't make you feel better in the long run.

IF it happens take the moral high ground. Being gracious will do you more favours.

MyOliveDuck · 12/07/2024 20:23

Some great advice. Thank you. It is all noted.
There is no malice from my part. I don't care they like me....I do care I did my job. I did it well enough to get the promotion!!
I understand the career suicide, and despite my gut instinct to kick back at hurtful, toxic behaviour, I will accept with grace then forget.
Thank you wise people. x

OP posts: