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Original poster

How to forgive myself for how I used to be

67 replies

TheBonny · 12/07/2024 18:05

Hi all. I'm 31 and a single mum of two lovely girls (10 and 4yrs old). Neither of my girls were planned, and neither has an involved father in their life (their choice). This is something I carry deep shame about. I know people must judge when they hear of my situation, amplified by the fact that I do not currently work as my youngest daughter has special needs. I would of loved the traditional family, and in all honesty, I still feel a pang of sadness when I see others with it. I've struggled a lot over the past decade. I was only 21 when I had my first, I couldn't keep a tidy and clean house, I couldn't manage money, I fell in to rent arrears. I couldn't cook. I looked an absolute mess and took no pride in my appearance. Everything just felt so much all of the time. I wasn't a great mum. Fast forward to now and last year I decided enough was enough and I moved 4 hours away to an area where I knew nobody to start a new life, cut all ties with my old life where we were so unhappy and I am proud to say that has been a success and my girls and I have never been happier. I have literally turned every area of my life around. My house is clean and tidy, I've learnt to manage money, all my bills are paid and I'm even saving some. I take pride in my appearance everyday and really enjoy it actually. I am my daughter's biggest advocate and they are both thriving .. We have met so many amazing people and made new friends and had so many adventures over this past year. It was a massive decision and something I'm really proud of. I did it by myself and if the people in my "old" life could see me now then they would be really surprised. So, why can't I shake this feeling inside of me that I'm an "imposter"? That this isn't how I really am, and that deep down I'm just some scummy mum. We can't change the past so I would love to know how to move on from that in my head. Thank you for taking the time to read my post, J. X

OP posts:
LightSpeeds · 12/07/2024 19:45

Wow! What an achievement.

People live for a long time and you change a lot as you get older. Hopefully, you mature and change for the better - and that's exactly what you've done.

Congratulate yourself for turning around a not-so-good situation. It will take time to feel better and accepting about how things used to be - but you will... xx

pinkjellybeanies · 12/07/2024 19:39

Ruffpuff · 12/07/2024 19:14

I had my ds (aged 5 and a half now) at the age of 21- accidentally.

I’m sure there are plenty of people out there who have taken one look at me and made up their minds about who I am.

It’s really not easy having to unexpectedly grow up so fast. There isn’t a foundation of stability to work from and it takes time to build. It’s much harder to achieve with a child in hand. That doesn’t make you scummy- that makes you strong and hardworking.

You aren’t in the same position you were in at 21, you’ve improved things. You’ve done that with two children. That’s a massive achievement. Things will get better and in another 10 years you will make yourself and your girls even more proud.

Other people may not understand the struggles and hard work you’ve had to put in to get to where you are now because they had the benefit of time. Let them continue in their ignorance.

I understand how difficult it can be to be a young single mum, and I’m proud of you.

What a nice post.

Ellie1015 · 12/07/2024 19:28

Well done for everything you have achieved!! You have spotted areas you wanted to improve for your children and you have done it, even scarier moving away from what is familiar to do it. Such a brave decsion and it has been successful well done.

We all should be more grown up in 30s than early 20s. You have done it without support network around you so even better.

You are the parent that stayed and does the job of 2 parents, never be ashamed of being a single parent.

Getonwitit · 12/07/2024 19:18

Well done, you have achieved so much. Tonight have a cry about the old you, wipe your face and say enough out loud. Then get on with your great new life with happy healthy children. You are a fantastic Mum so enjoy it.Flowers

Ruffpuff · 12/07/2024 19:14

I had my ds (aged 5 and a half now) at the age of 21- accidentally.

I’m sure there are plenty of people out there who have taken one look at me and made up their minds about who I am.

It’s really not easy having to unexpectedly grow up so fast. There isn’t a foundation of stability to work from and it takes time to build. It’s much harder to achieve with a child in hand. That doesn’t make you scummy- that makes you strong and hardworking.

You aren’t in the same position you were in at 21, you’ve improved things. You’ve done that with two children. That’s a massive achievement. Things will get better and in another 10 years you will make yourself and your girls even more proud.

Other people may not understand the struggles and hard work you’ve had to put in to get to where you are now because they had the benefit of time. Let them continue in their ignorance.

I understand how difficult it can be to be a young single mum, and I’m proud of you.

Damnedidont · 12/07/2024 19:14

Well done! Seriously, very well done. You decerve to be very proud of yourself

TheBossOfMe · 12/07/2024 19:12

You sound bloody amazing and an incredible role model for your daughters. Well done, you!

Berga · 12/07/2024 19:09

I want to echo previous posters and say I'm really proud of you. You have achieved so much and you did it unsupported and taught yourself. You sound like a strong capable woman and you're role modelling that to your children. You have every reason to see yourself as amazing.

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 12/07/2024 19:08

Wow, you sound amazing 👏. Did you know that a lot of professionals also have imposter syndrome and worry that they are going to be "found out". It's actually more common than you think.
But, bloody hell haven't YOU done well!!!
Big pat on the back from me, you deserve it and good luck with your future endeavours hun xx

Alltheyearround · 12/07/2024 19:07

Createausername1970 · 12/07/2024 18:17

You were always this person. This is who you are.

But life throws stuff at us and we lose sight of ourselves and get stuck in a rut.

So do not feel guilty. Feel proud that you sorted it all out and let your true light shine 💐

This right here ^ 100%

It will take a little time to feel this is you, but it really is.

Good for you for changing your life that takes courage and energy.

I think you are amazing.

LoveWine123 · 12/07/2024 19:06

This is the best thing I’ve read/heard today. You should be really proud of yourself, you have done an amazing job turning your life around and you are now reaping the benefits. Your girls are lucky to have you as you have managed to pull yourself up and make something of yourself…how many people can do that? Don’t forget you were barely an adult when you had a babies and I imagine those relationships were not that healthy. But you have grown up since then, you have learned from your mistakes and have turned into the person you are now. This is who you are and who you are meant to be. You need to believe in yourself and just look forward. So proud of you 👏

Fannyfiggs · 12/07/2024 19:05

You are NOT a scummy mum, you are bloody amazing. Well done you incredible woman ❤️

pinkjellybeanies · 12/07/2024 19:04

Have you had any irl contact, friends or family, who knew you back then during these years?

Original poster
TheBonny · 12/07/2024 19:03

Thank you so, so much for all these lovely comments. Feeling really overwhelmed by them and they have helped a lot. I have taken screenshots of the comments so I can look back on them if I'm ever doubting myself. Also, someone posted saying that there must of been someone holding me back in my old life and this is absolutely true. My family had very limiting beliefs about me and I was always seen as the incapable one. They said I'd never move away, even after saying I wanted to. When they realised I was going that changed to I would come back. Well, look at me now. I wouldn't even visit for a holiday. I've thrived on my own (and with the babies!) X

OP posts:
Imworriedagain · 12/07/2024 19:02

You've turned your life around. Well done, I'm sure there are many more great things that will come your way 🌷

NeedToChangeName · 12/07/2024 19:00

Imposter syndrome is a real thing for women

Be kind to yourself. What would you say to someone else in your position? What advice woukd you give to your younger self?

TaylorSwish · 12/07/2024 18:57

Don’t let what’s happened yesterday ruin today and tomorrow.
Your children won’t remember much, they pretty much live in the moment. Just be proud your life is good now.

WobblyBoots · 12/07/2024 18:53

It can be so hard to stop thinking negatively about yourself. Every time those negative thoughts pop in, think of where you are now and how you got yourself there. Honestly, it's a massive achievement. Keep looking forward :)

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 12/07/2024 18:51

I think negative thought patterns can become engrained and hard to shake off.

It's a hard habit to break but can be done. Write a list of everything you've achieved and everything you like about yourself. Say it out loud. Whenever you start feeling doubts set in, read it again. Be kind to yourself, is a but of an over used phrase, but try and take it as 'talk to yourself how you'd talk to a friend'. If a friend had turned her life around completely, im sure there is absolutely no way you'd say to her that she didn't deserve it, she was only pretending at life, you are sure that she will slip back into failure again. Why then are you letting yourself talk to yourself like that?

Practice practice practice and it will get easier to shut down the doubting voice

Ahappymediumlarge · 12/07/2024 18:50

YOU made the decision to change your life for the better. It was brave and can't have been easy, but YOU did it. You're no imposter, this current you IS you. Well done, OP 💐

Greenlittecat · 12/07/2024 18:49

I'm really proud of you ♥️

pinkjellybeanies · 12/07/2024 18:48

Surprisedbuthappy · 12/07/2024 18:44

Instead of feeling shame about your old life, you should be super proud of your current life and how you've turned things around all by yourself! It must have taken a lot of courage and effort. Go you!

This. And making that huge effort, with two little ones in tow, is a huge huge effort. You do realise that?

It’s the kind of effort that would be good for so many to do, but it’s simply too overwhelming. Even half of it. Keep your head high and your smile big because this is all your own doing!

ManyATrueWord · 12/07/2024 18:47

Sounds like you need to forgive yourself for not always being the person you are now. You got here, you made it. Be kind to yourself and that includes your past self.

Weirdaf1 · 12/07/2024 18:46

I think you should be kinder to yourself. It sounds like you were depressed for a time. You are still young and you have already done so much to change what you weren't happy with. Well done.

Surprisedbuthappy · 12/07/2024 18:44

Instead of feeling shame about your old life, you should be super proud of your current life and how you've turned things around all by yourself! It must have taken a lot of courage and effort. Go you!