Wife doesn’t want to have sex

Like I said I understand equitability in a relationship, however different relationships have different balances of chores, financial contribution etc. Ultimately these are all material functionality of a relationship yes.
Should there be an equitable balance … yes.
However do I agree these are the building blocks of intimacy, absolutely not.

As for other person saying it’s coerced sex … really needs to consider the accountability of the OPs wife here, all of us can say no. Doing it just as another chore is a conscious choice.

Both parties have a responsibility here.

If she feels like a nanny and a maid then she probably won’t feel included to have sex. You need to make her feel wanted and appreciated. That isn’t about pressurising her into sex but helping her and investing time in her eg date nights.

Despite the cynical tone I have to agree with this. Sometimes marriages, nay, people have down times. ALL women can’t be consistent sex machines all the god damn time. Sometimes hormones, mental health, workload, worry about children, worry about anything can just cut libido dead.

And yes, you will have to put up with it.

Unless you want to throw away 10 years and break up a family, you dig in and support your wife. In sickness and in health and all that…

Or forget higher ideals of romantic care and love. Just move on and find another female to service your needs. Like monkeys do.

One of the problems that sex specialists are finding with men accessing so much online porn, is that they think sex is like they see in the 'films'. That doesn't mean porn with some sort of storyline and build up like the VHS versions of our youth. We are talking porn that is accessed eg on Twitter which is one of the places that people do it secretly as it can't be traced on work devices etc. This is usually very short clips usually only the bit leading up to climax and the short length of the clips makes it as addictive as egTik Tok videos to young teens. They are this length on purpose - they are addictive and people scroll for more and more.
When people are watching porn a lot - say every night - their brains become rewired and this changes how they become aroused. For younger men (say under 25) with porn addictions what is being seen is that they can't get aroused by touch at all - they have had so much sex with themselves using their phones as arousal that they don't find real bodies as stimulating. For older men who had less access to highly addictive online porn in their youth and can get aroused by real bodies, they are finding problems with ED or not wanting to have the build up to sex, their brains are going straight to the minutes before climax and that is what they want from their partners.
OP, I have no idea if you are worried about your porn consumption and how it is affecting your body, but if you think this might be impacting your intimate sex life and be a reason that your wife isn't responding in the way she once did, this is a brilliant video to watch.
s
Also Dr Rob Weiss is very good

@Ollie90

Don't think like this - "I help out around the house as much as I can". If you operate like this you are subconsciously dumping the whole domestic load on her. Which comes with generations of conditioning.

Then for her 'the home' its like living in a summer of persistent rain with a few days of sunshine. It is still a grey, gloomy summer for her. You drive 50% of the activity so discharge at least the same amount. Work as a team it is much easier to do that today, tomorrow and in the long run.

There is enough information on this site already if you look, which gives you the same answer. Nothing stirs a woman up more than a man with his shirt sleeves rolled up, halfway between his wrist and his elbow, (but no more apparently) hands deep in the sink scrubbing the last sticky Weetabix spots from their DD's breakfast bowl, or helping her draw a tree in wax crayon (and loving the moment), or emptying the bin and putting a new liner inside while also checking when to buy the next roll, and marking it on the shopping list......while knowing that this is what life is and still loving it.

Work together. Be romantic.

Get up at 06:00 on a weekend day when you are together. Make and pack a picnic. Pack the car and put the kids spare clothes, a rug and some toys in the boot. Make her a cup of tea and lay the breakfast table. When you have all eaten, let her shower and get dressed while you wash up and clear the table. Dress the kids. Pack the dinosaur and the dog. Drive to the country or the seaside and spend a day together. Look at nature, stones (no phones), trees, bees, butterflies, grasses, wild flowers and marvel together.

Rub her feet. Ask for a hug. Kiss her cheek with no agenda. Love unconditionally.

See what happens.

Yes, this.
From another bucket, I'm 45, husband is three decades older, very healthy.
I have never been that much into sex and basically stopped about five years ago.
After talking about this, we decided our 20+ years marriage is more important.
I have fantastic freedom from sex, which repulsed me since teenage years, husband is, as he says, very happy.
No kids between the two of us.

Again missing the point about doing your equal share in the home and seeing sex as ‘transactional’. If (and it may not be in this case, we’ll never truly know) all household admin and chores are left to the woman (and yes, that includes having to point out or make lists for her partner in order for him to see anything that needs doing), most of her energy is going towards making day to day life functional not only for herself but for everyone. And since stress is a huge factor in turning off sex drives, mixed in with resentment of your adult partner not actually being a partner and sharing this stress load - of course sex is going to be affected. It’s really not that hard to connect the dots is it.

Have I missed the bit about how old the kids are? My money is on her just feeling exhausted and that life is a never ending round of meeting other people's needs. Give her time and space and talk. Ask her questions about HER rather than trying to solve how she is feeling or making it about you.

I have very clearly said that it's not about having a points based system, it's about doing your fair share and showing respect. It's about treating your partner as an equal and not some skivvy, there to service your needs. After ten years, resentment builds.

I tell you what's 'super immature ' is a lack of understanding of coerced sex in a relationship. Sometimes people don't want sex but submit to it for an easy life because it's easier to give in than put up with constant nagging, pestering and sulking. The OPs description of his sex life sounds as though it's something his wife is tolerating, that she takes no pleasure in and wants to get over with as quickly as possible.

Talk it over, 'have it out', get to the root cause, and repeatedly try to find a solution.

If DW is uninterested in finding a solution, whatever that may be, you're free to see another woman discretely.

When I was young, plenty of women would play around behind their (older) husband's back. If asked why, they'd say he's not interested in sex.

In the past she mentioned with previous exes she stopped fancying them and used to make up excuses not to have sex and would only have it minimal times a year.

Were those relationships happy and mostly healthy when she went off sex? What about with you?

Or were there other problems? It's very normal for attraction to die in relationships if there are problems.

If the relationships were good then this could be just how she is in relationships once they become long term, that's very unlikely to change.

For me sex is a way of feeling connected and loved and not having it frequently makes me feel unwanted.

Unfortunately I don't think it will be possible for you to get what you want in this relationship. Would she be open to seeing a sex therapist? or perhaps a couples therapist who might be able to help her enjoy intimacy with you again?
There's no guarantee that either of them will help though.

I understand division of labour etc equitably in a relationship however I don’t believe it is a good idea to equate that to sex.

Would you want your partner to only have sex with you if you made him X amounts of coffees a day and did X amounts of chores? … I think not.

Caring about someone is ensuring you have an appropriate amount of affection, consideration and intimacy whether that’s through physical or emotional connection, good communication etc.

If she isn’t interested in sex at all then she should be saying definitely not. It’s not okay to accuse OP of being foul when he is having sex with his wife who is consenting.
Super immature comment.

I think your relationship outside of sex is hugely important and I agree with everything written here. And when you do all of the above, it has to be genuinely to improve your relationship, and your communication, not with the sole aim of getting in to bed.

But also, in a long term relationship, the quality of the sex has to be good too and what constitutes "good" for women is sometimes not the same for men. I am not saying that this is the case necessarily in your situation op but it's worth considering.

One of my ex bf's thought he was an excellent in the bedroom because he had a lot of stamina, and without going in to a lot of detail, he thought he knew what I liked but he didn't really ask and he guessed wrong. It wasn't that he didn't put effort in, but he didn't put effort in in the right way and didn't really listen.

And ultimately, if you have sex over and over and don't get pleasure from it, and you have hinted, guided, tried to explain, and they don't understand or try to listen, you don't want to do it anymore.

Also, some women have problems explaining what they want and fake orgasm which also is ultimately disastrous for your sex life because it results in the scenario above. Many younger women, or unconfident women, have this problem.

Final suggestion: is your wife stressed about anything? Is she feeling depressed for any reason? Does she have time to herself to look after herself and exercise? Does she feel confident in herself? Sexual attraction can be as much about how you feel in yourself, as it is about how you view the other person. Is she feeling down and unconfident?

You have yet to answer what you think your wife needs to feel close to you since it is obvious not sex.

If you do not know, that is a problem.

You're not 'helping out' - it's your house just as much as hers.

We are talking in the context of the op, whose wife demonstrably doesn’t want it. And instead of having a conversation, the op has come to Mumsnet seemingly hoping that we are all mind readers as to why. Regardless, ‘equality of desire’ is an empty phrase - you either want sex or you don’t. It’s not like asking your partner if they fancy a cheeky maccys ‘ooh I’m not sure I fancy it, you order some and I’ll have a couple of nuggets’. It’s as simple as both or neither.

I kind of disagree with this. I love sex and especially love it with DP of many years. Plus I am post menopausal and we still have a very active sex life

Are you a man? 'Help' indeed!

Oh wow, the internalised misogyny on here is strong.

Personally, I'm a little sceptical about how many threads have been started by men in the past couple of weeks, without any apparent awareness that this is predominantly a board for women. They're usually around sex, too. I'm just picturing a group online elsewhere laughing at us all for falling for it and giving them the reactions they want.

Having said that, I'll give the benefit of the doubt and respond in good faith just in case. I can understand it's a difficult situation and it must be a blow to the self esteem. It's hard to see though why you haven't spoken to your wife more about the reasons - all you've said here is that she's told you it's not because she doesn't find you attractive. It sounds like communication might be an issue. Do you make much time for just the two of you? If you haven't recently, I would try having a proper date night. Go somewhere nice and have a proper conversation - making sure you're listening to her feelings and needs and not just focused on getting your own answers.

Nope, not what I'm saying either. Sigh.

There is a long way between an equality of desire to not wanting it at all and sexual assault. Please don't try and put words in my mouth and then use that to make a point that bears no resemblance to what I'm saying.

And if he posted on a male dominated forum he may get a different response. If the OP and other men don't like the advice women are giving then they are at full liberty to turn to other men for support.

If she gets bored after a while you could suggest open up your marriage, see if she’ll up for a threesome.

obv talk to her, listen to her, show unprompted affection.

Yes

@vodkaredbullgirl And what is this need?

Conensual definitely. And I'm sorry you are so condescending.