Gambling lies

I didn't see any letters but I was in the fog of a newborn and his abuse. This was decades ago.

Now maybe your bills are online like mine so you wouldn't see them.

I've found that all gamblers are the same. Nothing matters except gambling. The money is coming from somewhere.

That sounds really tough, and you’re not overthinking it at all. Been in a similar spot—my partner also brushed things off as just using “free spins” or small bets, but money kept disappearing fast. One time he mentioned playing on Chicken Road, which I know is a reliable online casino, so it wasn’t the site—it was more about how often he was playing. What helped me was calmly bringing it up in a quiet moment, no blame, just concern.

Yes he can ban himself from multiple places. It's usually best to self exclude from one shop and then contact Moses (Multiple operational self exclusion service) who can then extend the self exclusion to multiple shops.

If he wanted, he could ban himself from betting shops - I’m not sure how that one works and might need to be done for each shop. But land based casinos have a scheme called Sense where one form self-excludes you from all chains - you can choose from one to five years.

But as @TwilightAb says, this is generally more use if he’s willing to admit that there’s a problem and engage with strategies and support.

So gamstop will close his existing accounts and block him from opening up any new accounts for UK gambling providers. You are correct there are ways around it including going on foreign sites and using other people's details to open new accounts. Basically, gamstop and self exclusions are great measures to put in.place if someone actually wants to stop gambling and are then willing to get extra support to look at their triggers. Them alone can be enough for some people but it always comes down to then wanting to make the decision to stop in the first place.

Late to this one but just wanted to say it sounds like £500 is a lot for your family budget per month. For him to be dropping this, he’s probably not thinking completely clearly about it 🚩 . Gambling addiction has a way of escalating when people are in this headspace. It sounds heavy for you as you’re the one with all the responsibilities here, while he simply fuels his addiction. It’s not a physical addiction like drugs or alcohol, but honestly, it can be so destructive.

You need transparency with his finances since you’re parenting together and have property. I found to my cost that huge bank loans can be taken out online with no post.

I’d recommend taking every step you can to safeguard your finances, and getting support for both of you as this addiction will take its toll on all the family.

For example

• monthly credit reports on his name (and yours, just in case. I use both CreditKarma and ClearScore to be sure as not all borrowing shows up on all reports)
• access to his online banking with regular checks
• receipts for any cash he’s got out
• land registry alerts for any debt secured against your house https://propertyalert.landregistry.gov.uk/propertyalert/

It’s not an exhaustive list and needs to be done with his knowledge and ideally agreement.

If this sounds extreme and controlling, you’re right, it is, and obviously wouldn’t be appropriate in any situation other than gambling addiction. It’s a horrible thing to have to do, but better than suddenly finding yourself homeless.

Talk to a gambling harms support organisation, but make sure you’re talking to someone who understands how to support affected others and isn’t just looking out for gamblers’ interests, as this is a conflict I’ve found in some support on offer. But there is good support out there. Gamcare have a good women’s support arm, even if their helpline is hit and miss in my experience.

Wishing you luck and strength.

OP - If you're sticking £500/month away in a savings pot then things like Disney trips are very much affordable. It's these sort of things that you and your family will be missing out on, even if it's not directly impacting your day to day life

No - matched betting isn't gambling. If he was matched betting though, he wouldn't be skint.

My point was that you need to spend to qualify for the free stuff. I'm guessing the OP's OH is just gambling and not laying it off.

I saw your update and my heart sank for you. He's following the liar's handbook, step by step.

Don't be reassured about the post, setting up a PO box isn't difficult. My father had a secret brand new credit card that was safely hidden away while he made a grand show of cutting up the one in his wallet.

He has no business lying to you, taking family money but, he's doing both because he can and has no respect for the people he is supposed to love and want to protect more than anything.

I won't ask if you have friends you could talk to about this or whether you could speak to your parents because the families of gamblers often feel shame and want nobody to know anything. He's taken more aware from you than you realise or are willing to acknowledge.

He hid all the due bills and I found them after he moved out.

With you it might be that he's paid the bills or it might be the reminders are via email or he's not paying them in full. Depending on how long this has been going on for you can get a year's mortgage break. I just would never trust a gambler.

Every minute of every day he's thinking about it doing gambling.

Matched betting ain't gambling though is it? Cos you'll be laying off the qualifier for a only small loss. But I accept your point that its purpose is to hook you in.

I worry that he sees the money he earns as his - to do with what he wants - and you have your 'allowance' for running the home.

I worry that his arrogance and selfishness would lead to him ramping up his gambling (and you don't know the level of it now), leaving you having to cut corners with your 'allowance' if/when he runs out of money.

If you believe that you know the full extent of his gambling and any debts then fair enough but I would be very, very surprised.

I won't keep on but please do protect yourself. Expect the best but prepare for the worst because you're living with a liar and an arrogant one at that.

OP, you say that you wouldn't be able to afford you house but that is your security and you have children. Would that £500 that he's using to gamble help with paying for the house? £500 is not an insignificant amount of family money that he is throwing away every month. Do you have £500 to yourself to play with, free and clear? I bet you don't.

I think you've been oblivious as to what is going on but I would urge you to take a longer, harder look at what is happening to the family finances and, if you want to stay with him, that family money needs to be in a pot that he cannot touch. He can have 'pocket money' to waste like the fool he is, but not have access to other money.

My worry for you and your children is that gambling doesn't stay at a level for some people. Some people can have the odd flutter and that is all they will ever do, they have control. Other people can't control their gambling and it will be some time until you would ever find out that it has got seriously out of control.

He is taking money from the family each month... was that ever agreed in that amount? He is blanking you rather than talking to you about this.

I know this is such unpleasant reading but gamblers lie and there is no level of deception that they would stop at to enable their addiction. You say that he is a good father, well, he could be a much better one, safeguard his children's future, protect their mum from having to leave her home.

Actually, how fucking dare he do this to you.

I think you've misunderstood. It's not just about the money in the missing out sense it's about how the priority is always skewed towards the next bet, the next match, the next trip into town to the bookies. It's not just the money it's the fact he will be putting the gambling above his children and I'm sorry to tell you but of course it's already impacting them. They are living in an environment where their father spends a not so insignificant amount of time online gambling presumably in their presence and shuts down conversations when you approach the issue.

It’s already affecting your family.

£500 a month on gambling is £500 a month being taken away from the family pot, including the children.

Lying about gambling is a huge red flag.

I would leave. He will either ruin you or make you so miserable.

I wouldn't believe he is paying the bills either.

My ex was a gambler. He was miserable all the time. If he won he just gambled more. He begrudged us having anything because all the money was for him. When he left, he left me with utility and rent debt.

He refused to even try and stop. I was expected to put up with it because he refused to take accountability for his addiction and do something about it. He's probably still gambling.

Probably too young to understand the issue either, neither have missed out on anything

Honestly you're deluding yourself if you think this is true. Of course they've missed out and if they don't already know what's going on it honestly won't take long for it to become glaringly obvious.