Family help with kids

I joined a babysitting circle.

We had coffee mornings so the kids got used to the adults.

Downside was you had to pay back the babysitting hours.

My husband and I are lucky as we do have a bit of help from grandparents for special occasions but we mostly go out separately with friends so we still have a social life. We also have holidays/playdates with other couples with kids so there's other people to have a chat and a couple of drinks with. It has been a game changer (but my kids are a bit older). A friend of mine has a date night once a week with her husband at home. They listen to music, play cards, have a nice meal with wine etc. You can also take it in turns to babysit for friends (you look after their kids one night - your husband stays at home with yours & then they do the same for you). It isn't easy but hopefully you'll get more of your life back as they get older.

Put a word out in your local facebook group about swapping childcare. Hopefully you will bw able to choose from a group of people that tou can swap childcare with. Obviously you nor your child will click with everyone

Well as a Granny who does childcare, babysitting and any other help needed I definitely don't interfere in my grandchildren's upbringing. There have been no cross words between me and their parents. They value the help I provide and don't take it for granted and I get to be a big part of their lives but get to send them home at the end of the day. Win win all round here I think.

It doesn't get better. Well mine are 10 and 12 and it isn't. But it's easier because I'm so used to it.

On the contrary to OP, I don't think your kids are ONLY your responsibility. IF they have grandparents, aunt and uncles and older siblings, then responsibility is shared. Then I also think when kids are in no vicinity of relatives/older adults, it is the responsibility of our society to look after them/prevent them from danger as much as possible. They are the future taxpayers paying our pensions!

Think of Au Pair (there are many decent live in options for exchange of 'language skills'), nanny (can be more expensive) or neighbours. Don't be afraid to ask for help - 9 times out of 10 people will not refuse to help you!

Our DC are 12 & 9 and we haven’t had a date night in 12 years!! We have no family to help. It’s just the 4 of us. They’ve never stayed over at a grandparents house.
Once they started school we’d have date lunches now and then.
We keep saying, just a few more years then we get a weekend away together.
im so envious when I see other friends at child free events together with their husband, or dropping their kids off for a weekend with Granny

Grandparents live hours away - so we holiday with them. Means we actually get a bit of holiday time, and not just full time childcare somewhere less convenient than home!

Comparison is the thief of joy. It's easy to think everyone else has it better off. Imagine what it's like for single parents with no support.

this.

I wish more people would do this, it makes more sense than relying on elderly or un-retired parents or people who don't have kids/ other family members.

Make friends with other parents, put the effort into maintaining the friendships and you can do reciprocal childcare.

It's how so many of my long term friends grew up together. Our parents were friends who shared childcare with each other, shared the holidays, did group days out to the beach and museums etc.

this aversion to maintaining friendships when your kids are in early childhood is a detriment. Build your own village with likeminded people.

It's tough isn't it? We had no family near and with 3 young children, all my salary went on nursery fees and we couldn't afford to pay a baby sitter for social events on top of that.

What about seeing if you can set up a baby sitting circle, so you reciprocate babysitting?-again, it's not easy - I tried to do this but so many people said oh it's fined I use grandparents for babysitting...

Worth a shot though?

We pay for babysitters. We use bubble app and meet them in daytime together then worked up. We have two great ones now who can even put our 3 (5 and under) to bed.

We also take turns with our friends who we met at antenatal so we can each have date nights.

I don't know if this is because we are in London but not many of my friends with kids have family on call to help with sitting.

Can the grandparents help at all? Ours could if we drove the few hours to them and then we could head out, have a lie on etc. Maybe they are abroad.
We had babysitters from the outset. In the beginning the babysitter just came to play with them, get to know them and l was still around. Gradually we went out for an hour and then longer.
Never for a wedding though as its just too long.

We had a baby sitting circle. Everyone had vouchers for x number of hours and they were used as payment for whoever babysat

We were lucky that we wfh so while dc was at nursery, we could sometimes coordinate or schedules to have lunch together. Occasionally we even left the house and went out for lunch.

We are in a similar position. Our are 10 and 6, and the eldest wouldn't cope with bedtime with anyone he wasn't really familiar with. We have granparents close-by, but they aren't willing/able to help much, and my parents are over an hour away. Mum helps out as much as she can, but it isn't practical/fair to ask much, and we have never had a whole night away since they were born. Currently trying to fins a babysitter, just for evenings, but it is proving really hard where we are! It's getting very fustrating!

It's hard. Mine have SEN so I could never reliably find a babysitter that they would settle for. We tend to get takeaways and a bottle of wine once the DC are in bed. Find a nice hotel with either two bedrooms or a nice roll top bath to enjoy a glass of wine in once the DC are in bed. Take it in turns to have nights out with friends. We went to a wedding recently and eldest played until late and youngest (2) can sleep through anything and fell asleep at the table so we managed to stay until 10. I can't help with the burn out, I live life constantly on the brink but if your DC are in nursery I would say book a day off whilst DC are there to have time to yourself. And once old enough, book DC in scouts or similar so you get an overnight break!

That's a sweeping statement. I'm a grandparent who helps out a lot and have done from birth, for all of my GC but I have never interfered in how they were brought up. If I have an opinion, I keep it to myself

OP can you build up a network of parents in the same boat so you can support each other?

I had a few friends who could do the odd baby sitting, I would babysit for them in return. But nothing really regular.

Sign then both up for scouting. It was bliss a few years ago when both mine went of a district scouting event for the same 4 nights at the same time. First 4 nights we'd had by ourselves since the kids where born. They also both love scouting.

Also it was odd when we went into covid we had two young children we couldn't leave. By the time it had ended my oldest was old enough to babysit the younger for a couple of hours it was odd and a bit wired to suddenly be able to go out for dinner just the two of us once in a while.

It does seem hard but they do grow up quite quickly and you will be able to go out again.

It certainly seemed that way to me. Their relationships were still great but the grandparents felt they had a say as they looked after their grandchildren so much. I would have hated that.

The trouble is when there's a social event that all your friends are going to and so you've lost your potential babysitters. So you can't join in!