Dh’s mum is likely to pass away, Dd having intrusive thoughts, do I tell my parents not to come and stay? (title edited by MNHQ at request of OP)

When my mam died I did NOT want DH parents flapping around me.

My MIL meant well I'm sure but crashed the funeral (my mam didn't even like her) and totally put her foot in it offending people.

It entirely depends on your parents. If they are likely to be helpful and DH likes having them around then I’d call them and give them an out if they want it. Tell them if they want a fun holiday you don’t mind if they want to postpone a bit but they are still welcome to come as long as they understand they’ll be walking into a crisis situation. If you were my DD I would want to come anyway and be there for you. I might also suggest staying nearby rather than with you if that is affordable so that you still have space when needed.

He might welcome the distraction. People can act strangely after a loved one dies. I know my H was very business as usual. I didn't know what to do with him at all.

So many factors @Whyisthisallhappening

Are they understanding of mental health? Are they likely to be good supports emotionally and practically? Do they muck in or will they expect/need you to care for them?

Sorry your family is going through this hard time

I would cancel/postpone, if I was in your DH’s shoes the very last thing I would want is to have to deal with/worry about other people in any capacity. He is about to face one of the worst bereavements imaginable. Your DD also needs your full attention and support. I’m so sorry you are all going through such a difficult time 💐

When my mum died the last thing I would’ve coped with was house guests, no matter how well meaning & helpful.

I think I’d ask if they can stay at a hotel, then you can see them but give your DH some headspace with everything going on.

Sending love to all your family.

Your parents, I imagine, are old enough to have lived life on life's terms. This won't be their first rodeo. They've been there, done that, got the t-shirt with their own parents, presumably.
You seem a little bit apprehensive which means you know your parents and how they tick and how they kick more than anyone else in the room. If it's too much for you to host them right now, OP, cancel. It's perfectly reasonable and understandable. On the other hand, they might be the relief you and the kids need. Their support might help you better support your DH during his critical time of need. They might also give you guys room to travel together if you need to. Maybe DD could do with playing Uno with grandma/grandpa for days on end. Sometimes it's all we need! The smallest of things become the greatest healers.
Life is so hard when it's kicking us while we're down.
This is a tough and sad spot. You'll get through it together. And I hope your parents arrive safely and can cocoon you in the ways you all need right now... or not. Maybe cocooning you with their love means staying away. You'll know what to do.
Courage and love, OP. And brighter days ahead.

I would have them delay a few days / weeks to come just before the funeral. Your DH will need a little quiet time, you need to get medical attention for DD, and they would have two lots of flight costs to return in just a couple of weeks. Also book them a hotel or flat so everyone has more space than normal. Sending best wishes for you all.

If DH is ok with it, I'd let them come, but make sure they know what they're walking into (i.e. an unhappy household not a fun holiday).

If they're coming expecting a jolly holiday and to be entertained by you then absolutely cancel. If they're able to come and be supportive, pitching in with whatever needs to be done to support you, dh and your child then I'd say they can still come. But with the caveat they don't actually stay in your home so you can have space when needed.

(Have some experience of this but in less tragic circumstances - my parents were absolutely wonderful, dh's made everything all about them as usual)

Is dh able to be with his mum?

Are your parents aware?

When my DF died I could not have coped with anyone staying in the house (no matter how lovely). But everyone is different.

Would your parents be able to amuse themselves, be supportive where necessary? What would the funeral arrangements be, would they be expected to be part of that?

I think the only question is 'will they be kind to DD'?

If you've got any sense that they will minimise or dismiss or over-focus on or be shocked by her unwellness, you should cancel.

I think probably the fact that you're asking means you know it will make things harder not easier.

My parents would be a great support in this situation but my in laws wouldn't........it depends on the type of people they are.

I think your husband is a priority and you should ask him what he wants to do.
I would not want house guests when grieving but everyone is different

@Lavender14 Excellent advice.

Be very clear about boundaries (if they are type of people who might need them...) and expectations. Make sure you are clear you are going to need to prioritise DD and DH. If you don't think you will manage that (and will feel guilty about not taking care of them etc.) then consider whether you should ask them to postpone. Only have them if they are going to be supportive and not drain you. Hoping things get better.

Personally op I'd be up front with them about what's going on and then let them decide if they want to wait or if they're happy to come ahead. I'd set expectations ahead and maybe tell them that you might be very busy with dhs mum passing and dd and they'll either need to be happy to pitch in and help, or to go out and about and keep themselves busy so they're not relying on you to entertain them?

Are they the type to be helpful and non intrusive?

Sorry to hear this.

Personally I wouldn’t want in laws staying straight after a bereavement even if they were helpful and nice. I’d want to be free to do and be however I wanted without having to keep up a reasonable shop front. I’d put them off unless your DH has actively said he’d prefer they were there.

If that’s not possible, could they stay in an airbnb?

I'd cancel the visit. I lost a parent and my OH a few weeks apart earlier this year and I found it really hard to cope with having people around me all the time.

It's a time when you feel very vulnerable and having people around who want hosting means you are constantly having to think of others and can't process your own feelings.

Seeing people interact with their own dads and OHs was also torture as every little thing just brought back a wave of memories and a realisation that I'd never get to do that again.

It got easier to cope with it after about 8 weeks, would they be able to come later this year instead?

I would go with your DH’s feelings about whether they should come.

If they come will they be helpful? Cook, shop, have a good relationship with Dd?

Ir need hosting?

If they will be useful invite them but explain the situation and tell them they’ll be responsible for dd during this time and you’ll be busy with dh’s family. If they’re not useful tell them to cancel.

I think I'd cancel imo.

Just imagining if it were us - both dh and I would much prefer to have as few people around as possible.

But it depends how close they are to your dd - if they could give dd lots of attention/support, that would free you up to focus on helping dh.

But if they live a flight away then it's unlikely they're that close to dd? I'm speculating

I would go with whatever your DH feels most comfortable with.

Sorry about what is going on. Are your parents usually helpful or not? If so, get them to come. If they expect to be entertained, waited on, etc etc, then cancel.