Dh’s mum is likely to pass away, Dd having intrusive thoughts, do I tell my parents not to come and stay? (title edited by MNHQ at request of OP)

Chill out FGS. She's only asking for a bit of advice!

As other people have said, it depends on if they are coming to be a support, or looking for a holiday. They could be useful for example by supporting your DD whilst you and DH are having to rush around making funeral arrangements etc., so that DD is not left alone with her thoughts.

Is there any possibility that they could stay at a local hotel or AirBNB, so that they can come whenever you need their help, but you also get some time with just you and DH. when you can both grieve together?

I am sorry for everything you have going on right now.

No need to be so aggressive towards OP. She's clearly having a tough time.

I'd ask them to not come tomorrow and just come for the second week if they can change their flights. The first few days will be so hard for your DH with so much to think about, but in a week's time he might appreciate them arriving and changing the atmosphere a bit and you might appreciate the support by then.

How are we supposed to vote on this? You have the poll enabled, but no indication of what we're voting on.

Of COURSE you need to cancel. For goodness sake, move on it if they are coming tomorrow. Who cares about their money back, if it's that much of a concern, then pay them back. But you need to message your mum and make sure she knows the visit is off. You seem very weak and and like you can't stand up for your husband! Your husband needs peace and privacy and just you as family unit. FFS hurry and cancel it, and make sure that's it, put your foot down! Shortening it to a week will do nothing if they are here when she passes. They can't be here for a week, or 4 days, or even 2 days. Get on and CANCEL IT!!

Can they stay elsewhere? So be on hand if needed but out of the way when necessary

I love my in-laws, but I honestly couldn’t have thought of anything worse than them coming to stay after the death of each of my parents. Are you sure your husband isn’t just being polite saying it’s ok for them to come as it’s now so last minute? I wouldn’t hesitate to cancel, and any decent parents would be completely understanding.

We live overseas to our adult DC so tend to see them annually at most.

If my DIL had just lost a parent, I’d definitely suggest cancelling the visit or suggesting we move to a hotel instead and only meet up when it suits the family.

I think the fact that your mum hasn't offered to alter their plans and sees it as business as usual sounds a bit worrying, plus you’ve already said they don’t help out when they’re visiting. That’s already showing a lack of consideration to your DH, I think.

Put it this way, will your DH feel comfortable breaking down and crying in front of them or will he feel he has to hold everything in? It sounds like he’s already prioritising their visit above his own feelings, which will change again when his mum passes, so I think you need to step in here.

From all that you’ve said so far, I’d postpone their visit until a much later date.

Honestly having been through a few very close bereavements, the last thing in the world I'd want in your husband's position would be to be hosting people, regardless of how helpful or supportive they might be.

You have to ask him and go with whatever he says.

The comments here show you that people have all different approaches and views so your mum not offering to cancel probably just means she falls into the camp of thinking it's best to be around people.

I have no idea but try not to add that worry to your load. You do need to tell them pretty much immediately though which I appreciate will be hard

It sounds like it’s you who won’t cope rather than your dh. If you don’t want them to come, then tell them. Noone will blame you op. Take care.

If it all feels too much now and they're not even there I'd definitely cancel. Can they push their flights back a couple of weeks? I'm rather assuming they're retired so not having to worry about changing annual leave etc.

When you meet them ( on your own hopefully) explain again it’s a really difficult time so not a holiday atmosphere. You appreciate their help ( thereby dropping in they are there to help) and you won’t be offended if they only want to stay a few days or a week or transfer to a local B&B, Airbnb, whatever is available. Emphasise how upset your DH is.
Are your DD’s intrusive thoughts related to her grandmother being ill or something else? I hope it’s possible to find support for her locally.
And look after yourself 💐.

Are your parents close family to you all and likely to support and help you all through this - or are they visitors who need to be entertained and have a performance from you?

If the first -they could be just what you need.
If the second - you should feel free to cancel.

Remember that they have (probably) lost their own parents and have experience of dealing with death and grief. Perhaps this means that they will be able to cope with the sadness in your house and all the other messy emotions that will be about.

I think it unlikely that they are expecting a happy holiday experience in the visit ahead; they will know what they are coming to and it might be a good sign that they have not hesitated or suggested they would like to go somewhere more fun.

It isn't always easy to know how it will be. I remember a nurse in ICU telling me that they see many families come together but also many break apart under the strains of this part of life.

If this was my parents i'd call them and say that we're looking forward to seeing them but as it won't be much of a holiday shall we look at finding them a hotel for the second week so they can have some holiday time and dh can have some private time. My mum & dad would be sure to agree to this and I'd be happy to pay for the accommodation (though they'd likely not accept)

OP - it sounds like it's too much for you. More so than your DD or DH.

And that's ok. If you break it down, it's probably because you just don't have capacity for someone else's needs (holiday logistics/food etc) because your DH and DD will be taking up everything you've got at the moment. In your shoes, i would try and explain that to my mum and see what she says.

In other words - come for a week - but it won't be how it usually is. I'm stretched and I just don't have the capacity to worry about what we're having for dinner or chat to you about the neigbours.

Having said that, it might be good for your DD to have someone different in the house - help break some of the cycles - and if your DH has said they should come (and if he means it), then I would take his lead.

It's natural, and I think it is sometimes worse for the partner of someone who has had a bereavement, you're grieving yourself, but can somehow feel selfish expressing it as it almost doesn't feel like you're entitled to it. I'm quite an independent person and I hadn't been with my DH that long when my mum died but he was brilliant in that he was just there, he took over any household tasks that I was leaving, or would normally do (without saying anything), he made sure I was fed and watered and listened when I wanted to talk, he never expected anything of me, just let me get on with everything I needed to do, and tried to be as normal as possible when we were together.. it was exactly what I needed.

I felt so sorry for him at the time because I thought how awful it is to be just on the outside of it, but he was the normal that I needed and I will always be grateful, if he was fussing around me or trying to get too involved I would have hated it, but even back then he knew me better than anyone, and was just there.

You know your DH and you'll know what he needs right now.

If they're reasonable people, you could probably just explain to them that he's understandably all over the shop so they need to stay elsewhere. For their own comfort even, it'd be awful sitting with someone going through bereavement for that length of time.

There's the thing: "This all feels too much."
OP, those are your true feelings. Cancel. It's totally ok. And if there's fallout well, that's your mum being difficult. Don't feel any guilt whatsoever. She'll get over it! Maybe you need to just go into what I call Monk Mode and just be a nuclear family. Huddle, stay close, keep warm, lights out, keep the world at more than arm's distance, including mum. My hunch tells me you're struggling with their pending visit.
You don't need another struggle.
Cancel.

What a horrible situation for you all. I feel so sorry for your husband and your daughter.

Everything depends on what your parents are like, though. Are they going to be helpful? Discreet? Kind? Or are they the sort who want a holiday no matter what? If you were living here then presumably they would support you, wouldn't they?

My parents generally don’t help much when they come tbh, not in an awful way, don’t understand why this is all

As pp have said, call them now and tell them this holiday won't be a holiday as such as they will need to fend for themselves. So they'll need to feed themselves and entertain themselves.

And that it might be for their sakes to stay in a hotel.

But call them now, there is still time for them to book a hotel room.

Let them come. You will be supporting both your DD and DH through difficult times.....who will be supporting you?