Managing people is haaaaaard

Gosh as others have said you need to deal with this fast now.

Management of people isn't easy but it's a skill you can learn. Are you managing or leading? It sounds as if the other two are leading (their embracing of this persons initiative etc) and you want to manage (task based) Is your role of control or to inspire and motivate. There is a subtle difference however respect is vital within both.

Either way, a bit like parenting the management team need to be consistent so I would start with setting up a meeting with the other two, explain the situation clearly and unemotionally and then give your suggested approach and why in terms of the business this is the approach you prefer. Could simply be to provide synergy with the role of the other employee or could be to achieve objectives that are part of new guys work.

Then back to the new employee perhaps with one of the others, just to send the message you are a United group of managers, to straighten it out in the form of a first week / month / pre holiday or whatever check in. Explain clearly what you need from this person get them to agree or disagree and depending on which way it goes move forward.

The bit I can't get over is that they go through your diary and add themselves to meetings and book their time up with training they don't need. You are going to have to become more direct about what they can spend their time doing or not doing. I would talk to HR about this and agree a plan to tackle him.

I'm sorry to jump on this thread. I'm finding it really helpful for myself as in the final stages of sorting it out.

Mine does try and boss other people round a little. Both female but culture plays a part.

I like the FOMO/threatened analogy but I would caution against reading too much into other people's intentions - although I've described the person I manage in this way I also think it's a red herring as the only evidence you have is what you directly see and what you directly hear. Also what you feel is a good clue. But making assumptions about what is going on is very very dangerous (I am working with a coach and she always maintains this approach in how she works and its seems a good solution focused way to be).

I like the principle of clarifying who has overall day to day responsibility and getting that documented.

Telling the manager what I need in terms of support and boundaries, in order to maintain my performance and that of my team. Will give that some thought but any pointers welcome.

Another thing that annoyed me today was claiming my idea as his own. I wish I could have verbally laid into him for that!!!!

Now you know what they’re like, make everything you discuss with them is followed up in writing. Everything. Don’t discuss ideas with them unless you follow up in writing.

I’m on secondment ATM. Before I went, I told one of the people I managed that, no, they could not spend three weeks overseas for work. They tried to claim that I’d agreed it- new LM checked with me. I fired the email I sent telling him no (and listing my reasons for it) straight to her. He’s now under review. He’s been a bloody nightmare and tbh I wish I’d done it sooner.

Every 1-2-1 we’ve had I documented since the first day I realised he was going to be a problem - and, before I left, I made him confirm via email he was content with the write up.

TBH in my experience, men take being managed by a woman badly. Someone will say I’m being sexist…but I’ve never met a man who liked being managed by a woman.

Another thing, after the boundaries are set and the other manager has been dealt with, if you want to turn this around you need to be on top of everything you need to read every email, report, memo and make notes on every conversation and spend time fitting it all together, so you actually know what is going on better than everyone else. It is a lot of work but once everyone realises that there is no chance of bulshitting you then they will become a bit easier to manage

I agree this is the real issue. Are you and the other manager both female? If so I think there might be some sexism at play where your male subordinate thinks he is your equal.

Who was he speaking to when claiming your ideas? I agree it's probably not a good idea to reprimand him in front of others. However, if he's said "I think xxx" and it's repeating what you've suggested then you can say something like "I'm glad to see you were paying attention in meeting y." or "It's good to know you read my email z." where the meeting/email is where you shared your idea.

What is he like with the rest of the team? Does he treat them as equals or is he trying to exert some kind of authority over them (and does it differ between the male and female colleagues)?

My god that's exactly the same situation. They went through multiple managers before me and had that experience so they stick together too.

Op, keep telling yourself you are competent. Use positive language with yourself. Keep a note of all things and deal with them. The separate issue is whether you want the stress of it. Personally I love managing and have always maintained that. What I don't like is lack of clarity and that's where asking questions is good. I will also express my concerns.

I will ask for what I need.and I will decide when I am good and done.

Dump the management and have a family. You can be a dictator then 😁 seriously though, management isn't for everyone, there's no shame in it. I tried it and it was just not suitable for me. My talents lie in other areas (far, far away from people!)

Another thing that annoyed me today was claiming my idea as his own. I wish I could have verbally laid into him for that!!!!

Er I think this is your real issue. This needs to be nipped in the bud immediately.

I have little advice other than to say I'm managing people is literally the hardest thing I've ever done in my life! It's actually put me off starting a family as I cannot take any more responsibility and having it around the clock scares the hell out of me! It sucks

I manage someone like this and am in a 3 way situation. It's goes deep in a way I can't be bothered to explain but it was happening before I joined.

The fundamental thing that motivates this person is personal power. They do not care much about harmony. They also don't like doing hard things themselves.

I was fairly supportive of them. Interestingly though I raised a concern with my manager that they were going to them for things that I wasn't being looped in on. My manager denied having much involvement.

Next thing was the person I manage complained about me that I wasn't spending enough time with them.

It turned out they had assumed I was too busy. Anyway we now have a structured regular meeting which helps.

Sounds completely out of control. As mentioned above there can’t be two managers it’s a recipe for undermining and manipulation, as you have discovered.

you need to tell the other manager what you need in terms of support and boundaries.
The hijacking your diary thing is just weird and passive aggressive, I’d end that. Perhaps you could try holding a planning meeting and one item will be your diary events for the next week and who “I’d really like to join me for that”. They all sound ambitious but lazy and entitled the focus on training and access to higher ups/ clients who you are meeting gives that away. So use that desire to your advantage hand out courses and access as sweeties

Managing people is awful, I hated personally but deep down I know I'm not suited to it. That said, they're completely pushing you around here. That has to stop. Right now they see you as a soft target. Lock down your diary and make it clear that they need to clear meetings with you in advance. And 'personal development ' is generally part of a mutually agreed plan, rather than them swanning off doing whatever they want.

You and your manager need to sort out who is responsible for the day to day oversight of this person.

if it’s you, they need to get out of the way and let you manage.

if it’s them, then you’re role here is going to be painful forever so I’d look for a new job.

The issue isn’t the employee. The issue is lack of clarity about whether you’re entitled to manage them or not. Because if you were confident you had authority to manage them you’d have spoken to them and addressed the issues and put them on a performance plan if they didn’t fall into line. And your manager would back you up instead of undermining you.

it would have been very easy for your manager to say at any point -“you report to Mehmeh22, why are you bringing this to me? You need to resolve it with her to her satisfaction”.

they may have unintentionally created the ability for your staff member to undermine you, but you and they need to sort that out first and then you can address the other issues.