To not want my child to go to a friend's house when I haven't met the parents.

Yikes OP you are going to be for a rough road when he starts senior school in September and makes a whole bunch of friends who you know nothing about. You really do need to start unclenching a little.

No I agree with you. I wouldn’t allow my daughters to go to (effectively) a complete strangers house.

Like you, I would at least like to know where they live and that the parent is happy for my child to descend on them so I’d also call or text them.

You seem to be coming from an era of younger child ‘playdates’ that involve the parents arranging, possibly dropping and picking up, the hosting parent looking after the visiting child, supervising, possibly laying on activities and food etc — but in this case the girl has just shown up at your son’s invitation, is hanging out in his room, and you don’t have to do anything. Expecting to be thanked seems a bit much.

Over the summer this is something you're going to have to let go! If you do this when he goes up to secondary school you are going to get him laughed at!
You likely won't meet 99% of the new friends he will make. Try not to helicopter over him, it'll cause him to really struggle settling into high school life.
If you've done your job correctly (which it seems you have) with teaching him safety, knows how to use his phone to call for help, knows how to get himself out of situations or say no, then you need to let him grow up and do these things.

My mother was so so strict and so I learnt to be sneaky and do things behind her back, because of how strict she was I would lie and if anything ever would have happened to me, she would have no idea where I was or what I was doing and I actually ended up in riskier situations due to needing to be sneaky. Your son seems really sensible so trust him!

I’d just say “do you want to stay for tea? Message your mum and check it’s okay” then the child messages their mum. I always want to know where they are and I trust they’ll call if they’re uncomfortable. I’ve told them they can use me as an excuse and say I’ve text to say they need to get home, if ever feeling unsafe.

Her mum might have been at work or something too. She has set a boundary with her DD to hangout with makes but home by 6. It's summer.
@Comedycook no pareht I know would go knocking on anyone's doors at Yr7

Perfectly normal for end of Yr6
The mum knows her DD has a phone and prob knew exactly where she was if she wanted to. Yr7 you'll prob know nothing.

Not completely over the top at all to know where your child is, introduce yourself to parents and give them your number. I judge you more than her.

Sorry but I think you are bu
usu at this stage the kids are arranging their own social life and it’s a bit weird if parents get involved, I’ve never heard of that happening and think it sounds embarrassing

I think there is more of a transition than most PP have suggested. You don't go from knowing the parents and being involved in arrangements to complete independence over night. Yes mine might have wandered to the shops or stopped off at a friend's house on their way home but I do recall meeting parents in year 7 - e.g when they came to collect their child from ours I would have a chat or sometimes invite them in for coffee. By year 8 all arrangements were made by the children but even then I'd meet parents sometimes on pick ups/ drop offs. Gradually that stopped and any parent collecting just stayed in their car or waved from the window.

Older children aren't really a burden in your house either - they entertain themselves, make their own snacks etc. I've rarely vetoed having a friend come round. And because they are more mature, they communicate with you about what they are doing and where they are. Your son won't stay the little boy he has been OP!

Completely OTT.

I have a yr 7 child and I'm very much on the liberal end of parenting scale - but I think it's okay to check in with another parent when they are 10 or 11! Just a quick message - hope you know they are here.

tbh i'm very relaxed and tbh push my son outdoors a lot! but I do worry when he is at the house of secondary school friend if it's late etc and I don't know the parents.

these things can happen gradually

When my DS1 was in year 8 he brought home a boy after school. Luckily I was home because an hour later I had a phone call from the school asking if the boy was there as his dad was frantic and trying to track him down. The child was in year 7 which made it worse. The dad arrived to collect him shortly afterwards and I was illogically embarrassed and felt like a kidnapper. They were friends for years though so turned out well.

I'd have died if my Mum did that. I think that's very over the top for a 13 year old having Mummy knock the door with you.

Hang on, your shy, timid, 11yr old has a gf and is bringing her to meet you?
That really doesn't seem shy or timid to me.

No you need to stop this inappropriate relationship with your son and this girl right now

I think you might find the transition to secondary school a bit of a shocker.

You won't be taking him into the playground there or collecting him every afternoon. Neither will other parents. You won't therefore meet either his friends or their parents except very occasionally at parents' evenings.

You'll need to relax a bit about this. He has a phone and can presumably use it. You make sure that you generally know where he is going to be, but you won't be able to insist on getting to know his friends or their parents. You'll have to trust him, and just step in when things go wrong.

It's something you'll need to get used to, though. You won't have anything to do with his social life for much longer, unless you're providing him with either food, money or taxi services

Pretty soon he'll be walking himself to/from school, hanging out with all his friends and probably going to the park or round their houses with absolutely no input from you whatsoever.

Oh my, I've just realised the girl told you she had already text her mum. In that case op, that wasn't very good of you, you might as well have said 'I don't believe you.' That's why the mum texted back like that.