To not want my child to go to a friend's house when I haven't met the parents.

@orangesandlemonssaythebellsofstclements , I think your message was perfect. Id have done the same and still do. I still asked my son (15) the other to tell me who was giving him a lift the other day. Basic key communication is an essential life skill, so encouraging them to know who and where thier friends (parents) are etc is a simple but good skill. I've maintained I would like to know who's car he's getting in etc! He was cool once I'd explained. Even though I know alot of local people it's just common sense. We have to encourage that as seems to be a lacking skill these days!!

Have you talked through with your son what his exit planning would be in the scenarios you are imagining?

Talking throw him recognising unsafe situations and what he would do might help put your mind at ease about his risk assessment skills and safety strategies

Kids have been killed in their own homes too @Lovemyones .

And at the park.

And at shopping centres.

And on holiday.

But it's very, very rare. So rare that it makes national headline news when it happens. So out of the millions of children in the UK it's probably 0.0000000001% odds of anything like this happening to them.

YABU at secondary school I have hardly even met or interacted with the parents. With close friends the mums will text if there is a big event etc which requires lifts otherwise they tend to arrange things themselves.

I only know the parents of my kids friends who they went to primary with, or a couple of parents I went to school with myself. They have stuck with their primary friend groups through secondary but have a few new friends in their group whose parents I haven't met. I've texted with a couple, just to check they knew to expect said kid at their house and it wasn't being sprung on them.
I do think secondary school might be a bit of a shock for you 😂

Even if you think you know the parents you will only ever know the public persona.

When my DD was little she was friendly with a girl in her class whose mum was on the PTA, the Brown Owl of a posh suburban Brownie Pack and generally playground perfect. The house was beautiful with a lake and a treehouse/rope swings in the massive garden. After going there twice DD said she didn't like it there because they shouted and swore all the time. We declined all future invitations. .

other DD was friend with a classmate whose parents were pillars of our church. Again, she expressed unhappiness at visiting their house so we put a stop to it. It later transpired that the friend was a victim of paternal sexual abuse.

Was this before mobile phones though? Because that just wouldn't be the case these days...

You sound incredibly controlling OP.

Any new step is scary but at some point he will be kn and out of people's homes you don't know. My job as a parent is to make sure my children know what is appropriate and that if they ever feel uncomfortable then they can leave. This might just be a bit shouty or big dog rather than somebody truly dangerous. Or even if they are a bit bored.

We also have a plan where they can send me an emoji and i will call and make an excuse for them to leave. This is more likely to be because they are watching a scary movie than anything sinister but gives them an easy exit strategy and when they get holder hopefully more useful if any peer pressure.

Good grief. My daughter is 4 and most of the neighbour's kids are between 7 and 10, they are in and out of each other's houses all day long without a second thought. They've got phones and are in constant contact with you, what is the issue?

Doing things after school or at weekends during the day I'm very laid back - I have a tracker on DD's phone, and a airtag in her bag as backup. So I always know where she is (she's also the kind that endlessly messages!

Anything involving overnights means a message to parents regarding logistics etc.

It's a hard one to navigate. You want them to have fun, but also be safe. I'm also aware that I'm more liberal and laid back than a lot of DD's friend's parents so err on side of caution.

That's how it is from year 7 onwards. I took daughters uninvited friend home as she walked here, but no communication with her parents at all. I did think it strange but told daughter from then on, to offer to walk them back halfway. Because if they're old enough to walk here, they can walk back. It was a strange transition for me, for sure!

My son is same age and goes round to friends’ houses independently and they come here. The kids with the strictest parents on this stuff just lie, I hear them on the phone telling their mum they are at some other place that is obvious pre-approved. I’m impressed your son actually sees his girlfriend though. All the kids I know announce gf/bf and then don’t talk to each other until one does the dumping!

I would worry far more about my 11 year old son having a girlfiriend than I would about him being out and about without parents knowing. Isn't 11 very young for the boyfriend - girlfriend thing to start?

But really if you just say to the child when they arrive "does your mum know you're here" then that's your job done. The child is safe at your house. If the parent isn't happy they need to tell their child not to go to people's houses. It's not your job to police other people's parenting. To worry about being accused of kidnapping is a bit strange unless you took the child to your house yourself

As for saying thank you, an 11 year old is old enough to do that for themselves and also to leave if the parent of the other child doesn't want them to come in.

You’ll need to be a bit more lax when he goes to secondary school as you might unintentionally end up encouraging him to lie.

He’ll be out with new friends for the day and someone will say “let’s go back to mine and play fifa” or something along those lines and if he thinks you’ll make a fuss he will end up choosing not tell you where he is.

I had friends who did this and it was basically years of them sneaking about and then towards the end of secondary school, trying to look after them after they’d had too much to drink because they’d convinced us all calling their parents would be the worst thing ever which with hindsight was very dangerous.

You need to loosen up OP. I have three kids and all of them have moved into secondary and now have friends I don't know well, and whose parents I have not met.

You also need to loosen up a bit on having people into your house - we have always operated an open house policy with the kids' friends, they are all welcome at any time (within reason, obvs) and I would never ever start phoning up parents and checking they knew their children were at mine. Sure fire way to get the label as the "weird mum" and deter your child from wanting to have friends over. And if they're in your house, you know what they are doing and you have the chance to chat to the kids and get to know them. Drive them away by being overbearing, and you have no clue where they are.

I would never call a parent to check but have regularly given kids lifts home if it's been dark or raining and my DC has said that a friend is ready to leave and is going to walk.

You’ll get used to it. I over reacted the first time ds went to the cinema with friends. I was supposed to pick them up but received no communication from him. His friends with older siblings, looked strangely at me as I berated him. Their parents were used to it. I wasn’t. I chilled out massively after that and felt guilty for embarrassing ds,

Sound like you and you kid have a great relationship I font know too many that would be telling mum about a new GF!! Keep the trust speak to him about staying safe and what to do if he doesn't feel comfortable etc. Try not to freak out or be too strict The last thing you want is him to stop communicating with you. X

Hmm, I think you made a bit of a fuss about nothing by not letting her in your house. You knew they were both safe. You could have just asked the GF to pass on your number and address to her mum and say to contact you if she wanted to. At 11, if I trusted my child and had met the other child, I would allow them to go to a house of a friend even if I hadn’t met the parents. I would want a contact number and address though (and rather snobbily I would have googled the address) and I would want my child to answer messages quickly and have their ‘find my iPhone’ on

I think it’s ok at this age and because they are a new boyfriend and girlfriend (the girl might not have told her parents about this). Also because it’s all new to you as you are used to your son being shy. Good on him for meeting his mates and making a new connection! Things will definitely change in secondary school and he won’t need you to arrange things for him. By the time he’s 13 he’ll be mortified if you wanted to call a new girlfriend’s mum! Take the summer to do all the “young” things he still enjoys as his interests will change over the coming years

Way over the top. Especially to demand her mum’s number. I spent my teen years in and out of random people’s houses. By 14 I was staying over and just messaging home. You need to let them go sometime

By year 7 it is unlikely you will know any of their friends parents

Or many of their new friends, come to that!

Here in Scotland it seems children go to high school later than in England. Here it’s 11/12, whereas where you are it’s 10/11. At 10/11 I still think it’s still reasonable to at least want to know who the parents are and when you have a child in your home for you to be assured that their parents are happy for them to be there. My daughter is nearly 10 and when she is playing out with her friends they will sometimes go in and out of each others houses, but I’m lucky I know all of her friends parents and am confident she isn’t going in and out of random houses.

The irony of Mumsnet is that it is filled with people who are not very maternal.
You are absolutely right to be wary of people, kids have been killed at their friend's houses.
I would love to hear from the parent at the house my 10/11 year old was at.
I get that there's a point you have to cut the apron strings, but kids aren't suddenly adults just because they're moving to secondary school 🤷🏻