To not want my child to go to a friend's house when I haven't met the parents.

There were 5 classes at my DD's Primary. So no, I didn't know all the parents. In my DD's class I knew all the girls' mums/few of the dads but not all the boys mums.

That's very sad obviously. But at 18? At 18 I was at uni hundreds of miles away and just doing my own thing with no need to tell parents.

If they are at school together surely you would know who her mother is? She probably knows you by sight at least.
I know names and numbers of every parent in my primary school age children's years. I think I have probably spoken to them all at parties and have seen the houses of all the same sex children as mine.
Ok small school but I can't believe you wouldn't even know what this girls parents look like????

You should definetely check when a teenager says they are going somewhere overnight.
Teenagers will lié and say they are going somewhere, when they are not.
The mother of one of the boys who died in the car crash last year had no idea her 18 year old son had hone off in a car with mates.
He told her something else.
The car left the road, ende up in a like and they all drowned.

I suppose you have to know your child. I was the teen that went to raving druggies houses.
my daughter I don’t think would be.if she trusts her daughters judgement I suppose you have to trust that.

I am sorry, but yes, I suspected as much.

I have older kids than you and they absolutely aren't allowed to hang out aimlessly at the park (or in the street). But they can go to friend's houses even if I don't know the parents as long as it's pre-arranged.

Going round to friends' houses is fine. However, I'm concerned about how fixated your son is with this girl. He should be playing football or on the xbox with his friends rather than texting this girl all night long at 11 years old. It's a bit much for a child.

You need to talk to him about safe sex and teen pregnancy. How even having sex just the once or before a girl has started her period can result in pregnancy.

By year 7 it is unlikely you will know any of their friends parents this is scary but perfectly normal.

I know all DS's friend's parents. He has kept in with the same friendship group. I would want to know where he was going until at least year 9.

I already said that you coming and saying hello when you picked up would be fine. You can come in and say hello when you drop off if you'd rather. Assuming I'm actually there, as I potentially won't be if it's straight after school. I won't ask you in for coffee because that requires more socialising with you than I want to do, and requires me to have the house in a tidier state that it's likely to be at a random time. Especially if you are going to be coming to judge me.

It is entirely normal for secondary school age children to be at home on their own after school. The complete lack of childcare for children that age reflects the lack of need.

Youre going to have to get used to it. He’s never going to have any friends if he has to say ‘I can’t come to yours with everyone else unless my Mum meets yours first.’

This may have been true in the 70s. I'm sure it's still the norm in many small villages or close knit communities today.

Nowadays there's so much more awareness, cases in the news of children/teens being abducted, assaulted or targeted by paedophiles. Cases where neighbours or parents/step parents have preyed on visiting children aren't hushed up (at least the ones that get reported).

It would be lovely to give children the freedom to roam the countryside and go from house to house, trusting nobody has bad intentions. The idea of being raised by a village.

But times have changed, society's changed, there's widespread poverty, knife crime, gun crime, gangs, drugs, trafficking.

Children are so innocent and vulnerable in that preteen-midteen bracket. I'll protect mine as much as I can. It's not all about having the most mates, being allowed the most freedom, popularity, getting streetwise. I think that's often used as an excuse by parents who can't be bothered to provide social opportunities for children this age within boundaries designed to keep them safer. It's a hassle driving them to and from activities, hobby clubs, holiday camps, organised meet ups. They kick up a fuss and guilt trip you because they want to do their own thing. As adults with life experience and better impulse control (hopefully) I think we're accountable for protecting them while they develop independence

You are getting a hard time OP. It's a period of adjustment as you children grow and gain independence. It's a hard process,and it is a process. It is a change when children turn up on their own and I can remember thinking should I check things out or not. Its unusual for children to free roam these days at a younger age. I think it's something you'll get more used to and more comfortable with depending on how your son adapts .

When I was a kid my parents had to come knock on all my friends doors (we would play out in the street and invariably end up in someone’s garden) to find me. Or grab one of the kids as they zoomed past and ask where I was. Or simply stand in the road and shout me. And that was well before secondary. Not saying that’s how it should be today, but somewhere in the middle is best.

Youre going to have to get used to it. He’s never going to have any friends if he has to say ‘I can’t come to yours with everyone else unless my Mum meets yours first.’

Hes got a phone. He can text you the address and name of friend. He can send you a photo of the outside of the house as evidence if you need it, but more than that is a bit too heavy handed.

Some strange responses on here.

We live in a relatively safe nice area not an inner city and most kids walk to secondary school and back as its a 15-20 minute walk down a well lit main road.

Most kids round here would not be happy if parents were organising playdates beyond age 9-10 and no way would any self respecting secondary school age child be happy with mums organising them a play date!?!

I take it this is your eldest (possibly only) child.
it is a learning curve but one you do need to get use to quickly.
as you have been told by plenty, this is what life will become- maybe have a rule that he has to ask you first (& wait for the response rather than just going straight to the mate’s house). Also, an app like Life360/find my iPhone can be reassuring for these instances.

on a side note- did you always check with your parents before you went to a friend’s house? & did your parents always have to do a check on the parent’s first?

Absolutely this! Common sense and courtesy seem to be dwindling on this thread!

What's odd is insisting you text the mum directly.

Yes! It's just basic common sense to know where your kids are surely?! And to teach them the same. I'm not going for coffee with all these parents but I'd like to be able to say hi if I saw them in the street etc and to say thank you for lifts etc, it's also common decency!?

Really? Do you not have a job? I mean who does that?

I'm a SAHM now so it's easier. But when working full time I still managed to make time for friends and getting to know people. Priorities I guess.

More dangerous to be at the park than it is to be at a friend's house. Especially with all the random stabbings and bricks thrown these days

Depends on area doesn't it? Around here the crime rate is very low. Other parts of the county not so much, I wouldn't go to some of those places myself let alone drop kids off there.

Less about anxiety more common sense. Bringing young teens up in a relatively safe, supportive community so there's always a responsible, approachable parent around if things go wrong.

Age 13 my friend was inappropriately touched and forced to touch, the older brother of a mutual friend. Parents were out, he was left in charge. As a young teen I remember a friend's birthday party getting out of hand when an older sibling invited his mates around, with weed and pills! Her parents had gone out so as not to cramp her style.

Another time we decided to have a bonfire, which got out of hand and burned down the garden fence. Luckily the neighbour was in as we all froze in terror!

If you don't know the parents of school friends why not encourage them to socialise with the kids of family friends, neighbours?

Really? Do you not have a job? I mean who does that?

I struggle to find time to have coffee with actual friends; I am not giving up time to meet a parent, who will not get to know me sufficiently well by having coffee with me, to know if I am going to be a danger to their child.

The idea of coffee isn't to check if you're a danger more to reassure myself you're a responsible adult who cares enough to be there for my DC if one of them is suddenly ill/injured/distressed. I wouldn't leave preteens at a home where no parent will be there. Surprised anyone would.

Understand we all have busy lives. Yet inviting a DC's parent into your home for a 5-10mins cup of tea is beyond your capacity? To me that screams unfriendly and not somewhere I'm comfortable leaving a child under 16.

Are people really this scared, of abusive homes, of park muggings, is it an excuse to be controlling or genuine uncontrollable anxiety?

Or they learn the hard way that not all parents are good and that they can call you to collect them when a sleepover goes wrong.

I was able to give the contact details to the police of the parent my son was with when the Dad was drunk and started shouting at his son (my son's friend), and throwing things around.

For all the embarrassing times he thought I was nagging, this event showed him that an adult needs to know where they are.

In England it's 11/12. The OP's son is in last year of primary