To not want my child to go to a friend's house when I haven't met the parents.

My son’s in Yr 7 and there’s varying levels of parenting, with other kids. I always insist on getting mobile numbers of parents, if my DS goes to any of any of friends houses. When kids would come round, i would invite the parent in for 5 mins at pick up.

Due to a completely different situation my child has find my iPhone. When out and about they prefer me to check on there instead of msging so they don’t look like they are checking in. We also have a code so if it’s sent I can go straight to where my child is no questions asked. Would this help so you have an idea when he’s out and about?

When my kids were young teens I had them send a one word text if they wanted /needed to leave. I would then ring them telling them to come home. They were allowed to argue with me and I would insist. That way they didn’t lose face and I was the bad guy. That suited me fine. Also though my house was the one they came to the most. I’m blunt but quite kind, also in my house I knew what they were up to 😜
That said,my wind your neck in now face still works with both my kids and their friends they are in their 30’s now and their friends still drop in to see us sometimes.

Does nobody have “latch key” kids anymore. I work so my two were coming home alone from the last year of primary. They’d be alone until I got home at 5. I always made them tell me where the were going and who with but I didn’t speak to the parents as a rule. The exception being when they got to 16 and they would have a couple of cans of cider at a bbq at mine. I would check with parents first that it was ok (as they would with me) other than that. I had no contact.

in work on public transport and it’s common to see groups of 10/11/12 year old travelling together on weekend to the skatepark or the cinema

So on 6 weeks he will meet more new friends and maybe go to theirs when you’ve not met parents or have them to yours. We are just finishing y7 for the second time. First time was Covid and that child doesn’t socialise. This time it’s been a huge learning curve. She’s been to lots of friends houses and had friends over and no parents have met. I’ve collected a few times and just said a brief thanks at the door. When she was invited to a sleep over I made a point of dropping her and saying hello to the mother and passing on my number. Turned out she was a few years below me at school back in the day. Next child for sleep over I did the same, introduced myself at the door as I dropped off. Barely knew her from her other child but not well. My child practically lives at that house now!! She’s invited all the time for tea, sleep overs, days out, even a weekend away. I’ve got to know parents - well, mum - since. It’s all fine.

You’ll find they arrange their social life on their own from September, on their phones and just expect parents to taxi them about. lol. My ex h got annoyed as he dropped my DD at her friends and near my house and sat through traffic to get there to find out they were going out for the day somewhere near his house and he could have dropped her there and missed the traffic. He tried saying all meet ups need to go via parents but in reality he hardly sees them and we’ve not had any issues since as I ask the right questions when she’s organising things. He doesn’t see DD enough for it to even be an issue.

I reread it. You’re right.

I can’t imagine getting a text to check that my own child has checked with her own phone there clearly visible to get the number tbh.

I can track my kids phone as can most parents these days. I trust my child
to let me know however but can check and do remind close to coming home time.

We would probably have a good laugh tbh. After your text to me I would
of text DD (year 7) your mates mum just text me…. Why’d you give a stranger my number 🤣🤣🤣 Then she would prob text back that you was some weird controlling mum and I’d probably warn her off your son tbh.

Back by 6pm prob confirms that she thinks it’s weird you’ve text tbh.

I feel your pain, OP. I have had to get used to my DCs making new friends at secondary school and not knowing anything about them or their families. All have turned out to be lovely though 😀

I was recently freaked out when I was near my DS at his friends house and needed to give my DS a lift home and he didn't answer his phone. I realised he was at a house with "Fred" and I didn't know Fred's surname, address or contact number so I had no idea where my DS was and couldn't contact him!!!

Try to train your child to be responsible - to give you basic details and to let you know where he is, within reason. And good luck!

At some point you need to trust his judgement.

I don’t know all the parents of my kids friends. But I trust they won’t make friends with dangerous people and won’t want to go into a house with a drug addict mum with a needle hanging out of her arm! But I live in a very safe area so they would struggle to make friends with someone like that.

This mum has communicated with her daughter and she has been given a time to be home. She is going to a friend’s house, not the house of some random boy she just met on the street.

I do have a tip for you though. If you don’t want your son to be hanging out in houses where you don’t know the parents then come September you need to be super welcoming to anyone and everyone. Not saying you need to contact all of the parents before they can come in etc. Kids will always want to go to someone’s house to hang out after school, especially in the winter. Make it your house that they all want to hang out in.

I think people are being harsh. I found into about halfway through year 7 I was still meeting mums for the first time the boys went round to each others houses etc (be it at our house or theirs). So the children would arrange the meet up (with the ok from both sets of parents) and then we’d tend to have a coffee or a quick chat at drop off. It’s maybe a bit different here through as we are very rural and so are the boys friends, so parents have to drive children to meet up with their friends, so it’s more natural to pop in and have a coffee etc when dropping off. I am the opposite of a helicopter mum but I wouldn’t allow my children in a complete strangers house alone, and nor would any of the other parents I know. We’re country folk, children all pretty independent and used to roaming freely on our land and the lanes around. I know most of the other mums of my eldest’s friends now and we go to the beach together etc, but maybe it’s different where we live than in a big town or city. My youngest is only in year 5 but often goes to play down in the village (3 miles away). He knows that he can go to the playground, the cricket field, the woods and into a few friends houses as I know their parents, but that he isn’t to go anywhere else. I drop him down to the village and pick him up at a set time, but if he went somewhere else that we had’t agreed upon I would be cross - in fact a mum messaged me the other day to say her son was asking if mine could come back to their house with them. I know her so that’s fine (she asked because they also live outside of the village), but she wouldn’t have allowed it without my permission. So I think you are being perfectly reasonable to want to meet parents before your child goes to their house, even if it’s a quick chat on the doorstep as you are dropping off.

I struggled with the switch too OP but I'm a year in to secondary school (it's absolutely flown!) and I'm used to it now. TBF, I have met most of the parents of his friends now from pick ups/drop offs and various school events like football matches etc.

It's such a change from primary school where you see the parents all the time! You will adjust though, and faster then you think. They grow up so fast from end of year 6 to end of year 7. There is a massive shift in their behaviour and how independent they are. I've got 2 more to go up to high school and I think I'll cope much better next time!

Yes! that's why i'm a bit reluctant. I want to get to know those parents a bit better before the next playdate.

There is no etiquette for play dates. If you/your daughter want the girl round then invite her.

If you've never spoken to the mother wouldn't sending DD on a playdate fall into the "letting your 9 year old into a random parents house" category, anyway?

She agreed before she spoke to the OP (her daughter had texted her).

Similar experience a few months back. 9 yr old DD wanted to invite a mate from dance class over. I did. The mum practically threw her out of the car and into our house, didn't say hi or anything, child just exited the car and into our house. Would you let your 9 year old into a random parents house? She's was a lovely girl. They had a great time. The dad came to pick her up and we had a nice chat on the doorstep, I invited him in for a brew while we waited for our daughters to appear (there was much giggling coming from DD's room...overload of cheeky sass, the dad and i weren't feeling brave enough to interrupt. He accepted then beckoned the wife to join him from the car. Never once did she make eye contact while in our house. Still doesn't at dance class. Still doesn't talk to me either. The daughter always gives me a grin though. My daughter wants to hang out again with her again, but i'm a bit reluctant. I thought the etiquette was to alternate play date locations? The girl does have two older sisters, so i do wonder if the mum was in secondary school mode...just used to being a taxi service.

The fact that you contacted the mum shows the mum that you are responsible. That is probably why she agreed .

I have a child the same age and I would be freaking out if he had a GF 🙈 I would be wary letting him go to her house without me dropping him off. I wouldn’t want him just going anywhere on a whim, I would want to know where he is going but I have only recently let my son start going out on his bike with friends alone. I know they are growing up and we need to start letting go a little but I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all.

17?? Are they planning on going to uni and if so, will it be a local uni and they have to be home by 8pm? Once I started secondary school, the first time they'd meet my friends' parents would be when they'd pick me up from a sleepover (I didn't live near my friends).

Edited to add that OP's biggest fear should be whether her son has sex with this little girl.

I think you’re absolutely right! There will be children whose parents sadly have drugs in the house or are under the influence, or parent’s could be out, or there could be other people in the house who are inappropriate. It might seem over the top but I would absolutely want to know where my children were, especially at only 10 or 11!
I’ve never wanted to make it uncomfortable for the child so the first time they go to a new friends house, I take them there so I can meet the parents and check it’s ok for my child to be at their house. It doesn’t need to be meeting for coffee and getting to know them all, but meeting briefly on drop off seemed to be a good way of doing it. Then in the future I just drop the parent a text to check it’s ok for my child to go there :-)
You absolutely have to protect yourself if other children are coming in your home too as imagine if they had an accident or made an accusation.
99% of the time there’s not going to be any issue with other children’s houses but it’s definitely better to be safe than sorry xx

I'm taking my DS GF away in August they are 17 and I'm yet to meet her mum, my DS has also been away on holidays and I've spoke too but not met the parents.

You do get used to it..

Oh OP this used to drive me crazy. I couldn’t believe the amount of parents who let their kids stay at our house without checking with me/us. This mainly applied to our youngest DD (now 18) when she started year 7. There was one girl in particular who pretty much stayed every weekend for about 3 months and each time her parent’s would just pull up outside. I used to ask her if they wanted to meet us but they didn’t. It was bonkers….
I had a rule that if my child was staying somewhere I would message the parents to check/thank, but if someone was staying with us, it was up to the other parents to check we weren’t serial killers, no parents checked!

In the end I messaged a mother and said I wasn’t prepared to look after her 12 year old DD while they went away nearly every weekend (which was happening). The mum replied that I’d made her feel like a bad mother.
People wouldn’t give a stranger their bank card but would happily hand over their child!

So there's a lot of posters on here who are way more helicopter-y than I would want to be with my kids and a lot of other people that agree that OP is OTT.

Then we have a tiny segment of the population, who are over-represented on Mumsnet and on any other online forum aimed at women, who are living in such a state of anxiety that they've shut themselves off from the outside world and are dependent on others to survive. I don't really see how they relate to each other.

I wasn't talking about myself, but going on what I read on here, though I have since said that MN is not representative of the population.

Honestly if, as an adult woman, you are afraid of answering your front door, leaving the house alone or taking public transportation then that's not in any way a normal life and you should be looking for mental health support. I really don't think that's "many, many" women, because the vast majority of us have to get up, get our kids to school, go to work, be an ordinary member of society and hiding in our homes only leaving with a chaperone would be impossible.

We sound similar. I am certainly not one of the afraid women (I'm fortunate to live where I do) and yes, I think MN is not representative.

I have the mobile numbers of a few of DS2's (15) parents - enough that if any of the lads got into trouble, someone would be able to track them down and help or whatever. So he might say "we've gone to Ben's". I might 'know' Ben only by DS mentioning him, but I know that Ben lives in e.g. the same village as DS's best mate (whose Mum I am friends with).