To not want my child to go to a friend's house when I haven't met the parents.

You made out like he spends most of his time talking to this girl. It's not a strange assumption at all considering what you wrote. It's not normal for primary school children to date like teenagers which is why I mentioned teaching him about safe sex. Many children don't fully understand it. Most primary school 'couples' just hang out on the school playground. You sound very defensive considering you started this thread to judge the girl's mum.

My daughters never minded letting us know where they were - street address and so on - or having us text the parents to check it was okay for them to be there. It was just routine to them, and I think it made them feel safe.

Also, of course, it left me no way out when they texted 'can you pick me up from Alice's at nine thirty. you've got the address...'

Don't worry, your son wouldn't have a bike or a phone if you were a passed-out-on-the-sofa-with-a-needle-hanging-out-your-arm drug addict

No, it's the same in England. They go the academic year they turn 12. Year 6 can still be 10 though at the end of the summer term because their birthday is end of July or August.

Sorry for replying twice in a row but I’m just catching up on the thread. I’m not sure why you think being out on the street, with strangers around, is safer than being in one friend’s house? I’m not sure what you think happens between those walls and why their friends’ parents would be so untrustworthy when you know nothing about them to make you feel that way.

If it’s a child from school then it’s not like it would be impossible for anyone to track him down if needed in an emergency. What are the chances that your son is going to make friends with a drug dealer’s kid who goes to the same school as him and he wouldn’t phone you to pick him up if things were uncomfortable or he’d not want to go there again? It’s such a weirdly specific example where your son probably wouldn’t be putting himself into that situation anyway. It’s not a person he met on the street whose house he’s going into, it’s a friend that he chose from him school.

I think some of the posts here are harsh. But it’s AIBU if you had eg said you had done x which your friend thought lax parenting you’d get the opposite responses!

As mentioned by at least one poster, I did think of a certain time growing up when I was in and out of neighbourhood houses. However, it’s not comparable as parents would have known the parents already.

I think it depends on the child and the circumstances. We are semi rural. DS12 has his social life organised by me. Otherwise little would happen, they’d just sit there sharing memes on phones! occasionally he will ask to go over to X’s house can you talk to their mum and gives me their number if I don’t have already have it. I do have many numbers as half of them came up from the same prep school. The ‘new mums’’ are always keen to chat at school events. They are not at the stage of going out independently beyond a bit of time locally. another 6-12 months and they will probably take the train places. It is a small private school and the year 7s do seem young .

DS16 moved areas/school 3 years ago so half way through (fairly big state) senior school and had to make friends. I don’t know many of the parents. He organises and we will drop off and pick up outside. I know some of the friends and they have been around here. We did run into an issue where he was saying he was staying at a male friends house he walked to and was actually staying at girl A’s house. She was the friend of a girl B he was involved with. Turned out they were having mixed sex sleepovers with no parents in the house overnight. We weren’t happy about this at age 14/15. Girl A and B had been friends since year 7. Girl B’s mum had not known about the boys present or no parent in the house overnight and I’d say she is more involved than us. she didn’t have Girl A’s mum’s number (had met her once or twice earlier on) and never checked arrangements with her. She’d always trusted her daughter.

Unlike some others I wouldn’t want to be THE house where everyone congregates.. feeding existing teenagers in the house costs enough! There is also then risk of drinking, vaping, THC vaping, weed etc involving other people’s underage children. Sadly some of that happened in our house without our knowledge when we were in the house.

This is very normal for year 6 kids, but yes it does seem to happen really quickly they go between having play dates with parents present to more or less organising their own social lives (with people who are strangers to you) between Y5 and Y7, with all the steps in between in Y6

Op you parent your child within your comfotability range.
There are a number of parents, (at my kids secondary) who'd want to meet other parents first, others who let their kids make all their own arrangements with their friends. There isn't a right or wrong on this one. My ds attempted to make arrangement to meet up with his friends and the plonkers left out some vital information (like time and place 🤦‍♀️), I now oversee their plans, and and I keep an eye out on them (very much in the background, but in my experience 11/12 / 13 and to a lesser extent 14 year olds don't always make the most sensible decisions). I'm lucky in that over the summer holidays I drop my hours down to one day a week, lots of parents don't have that flexibility, so have no choice but to trust their kids with making their own plans, you'd be hard pushed to find any holiday clubs for secondary age kids, so again lots of parents don't have a choice.
In my experience the kids really don't mind me being in the background, and I know two of the parents are happier there is an adult keeping an eye out. All, bar two, of my kids friends parents have met me, and come to my place before, allowing their kids to free range😀. My house is the normal hangout zone in the summer,despite the fact it's tiny, so sometimes it does feel like I have a heard of rampaging elephants flying up and down stairs!
Personally for me, once I've met my kids mates (not necessarily the parent(s), I make that judgement call on whether I'm happy with my kids going to their house, 98% of the time I'm fine with it, but just occasionally my instinct kicks in and it's a straight up 'no'.
I wouldn't let them go if I've not met their friends, my kids might be teens and in another year dd, will have loads more freedoms, but for now, my duty as a parent remains keeping them safe, as far as it is possible.

So when the first batch of kids arrived at mine for tea - 3 of them - I didn’t contact the parents. The kids did from their phones whilst they came in. After they’d eaten and it was time to go home the parents picked them up. Usually from the road outside. None came to the door. I’ve been on the other side and dropped or picked up my child from the friend’s house but I usually say a quick hello. I’ve also dropped the kids off from mine if needed. They came for tea one time. First time I’d met them. They then came with us to watch my child on an activity they do. I then dropped off after, waiting til a parent appeared to open the door and waved. Some speak and some don’t. There were a couple of birthday meals out at the beginning of the year where I dropped my child and said a quick hello to the parent to introduce myself.

One of the parents I’ve since got a number for as I said up thread my child goes there a lot and the mum keeps in touch now. Another friended me on fb. All of the others I’ve no number for.

I can track my child though on their phone. And if they are going somewhere off plan after school they always text to check in and let me know. ‘Am I ok to go up to get a bubble tea with x ?’ Or if they’ve arranged to meet at the shopping centre on a weekend and need to pop to a friend’s house I get a text ‘am I ok to pop to X’s house as she needs to walk the dog/get changed/get cash (delete as appropriate for reason)’. So I do always know where they are. We live in a fairly safe area. A large town. Most kids homes are walking distance via cycle paths. I guess if we lived over the border into the next county (literally a mile from my house) it would be a different story as the kids in the next counties go to school across many towns and villages, get buses and trains, travel across several bordering counties etc and one is a main city and the others are almost small city centres. There are less desirable parts of those places. I guess we are lucky where we live.

Depends where she lives… in Worcestershire we have a three tier system where Y6 is the start of middle school. And if your child goes to a combined middle and high school, they do indeed go there at the start of Y6.

The girl had already texted her mum to tell her where she was.

It's OP's subsequent need to further obtain the mum's phone number and then also text herself that many on this thread find unecessary. This has been twisted into "parents who don't care about knowing where your child is", by those who disagree.

It sounds like once a child is 11 they can do what they want by the sounds of some of these replies.

I am with you OP. When my dd was in year 6 I knew all of her friends and their parents. Now that she is in secondary school, I know half of the parents as we are in a group chat together and came from the same primary. I admit that I won’t know all of her secondary school friends, but if a child is in my house I would want to make sure that their parents know where they are. If not I will assume that their parent either doesn’t care too much or is working.

I grew up in a household where my mum worked, most of my friends parents worked and we would go to each others houses when our parents didn’t know. If I went to a friends house and told my mum she would want to know a little about them. Looking back we were out in pretty dangerous situations at times - but I guess we lived through them!

I now use birthdays to get to know my dad friends and we organise family days out to catch up with parents. I personally find that you can learn a lot from a person through their household and this is something that we as adults are more observant about compared to teens.

I didn't let mine either unless i knew them. X

Someone used the term ‘helicopter parent’- I became that parent only after one too many ‘we were in x’s house, his mum and dad weren’t there but his big brother was there’ or ‘we went down to the building site/ canal etc’. Cue us cutting down on the amount of time they were allowed out or getting them to come to us/ paying for them to go to the cinema/ bowling etc. Teens shouldn’t be left roaming so often- and am sure the ‘where are their parents?’ people appreciate it!!

edited to add: doesn’t always work of course but have to try something!!!

Love the fact you see no irony in talking about how controlling this mother is whilst you decide to control who your children get involved with rather than let them make their own decisions as to whether their friends are ‘weirdos’.

yes completely that… rather than warning my child that she’s hanging around with a kid whose life is micromanaged to the extent they don’t understand childhood norms. Well done.

Maybe I’ve got two in secondary and this bat shit has never ever happened. So yes it would be extremely weird and come across as a controlling weird family I wouldn’t want mine involved in.

Sleep overs sure check in. But in your house for maybe an hour after my own child has checked in with me and could prove that on their on phone. Your an over controlling parent and can expect people to pull away 🤷🏻‍♀️

Kids will always want to go to someone’s house to hang out after school, especially in the winter. Make it your house that they all want to hang out in

That sounds awful, a group of kids you don't know wandering in and out of your home. Don't people value their privacy and peace. What's wrong with inviting a friend over?

They have years ahead of them to 'hang out' in groups.

Sad to think of an 11 year old traipsing in and out of different houses, left to their own devices every evening. Trying to be part of the 'in' crowd.

@orangesandlemonssaythebellsofstclements I think you’re getting a hard time on this thread. Start of secondary school my mum and friends mums knew each other

as we got older they weren’t aware we were staying at lovely Alice's house when we were actually passed out in the local park or her dad was trying to chat us up

he’s 11!

So, someone just looking out for your kid and checking you know where she is, gets laughed at and mocked and then you try to micromanage your daughter’s relationship by telling her not to hang out with the son. You sound lovely.

This.

The fact your son has brought his ‘girlfriend’ back to yours and is open about it and confident about you meeting her and her meeting you is great.

And I have to say, I completely agree with you checking that the girl’s mum at least knows where she is. You maybe don’t have to text the mum yourself but just making the girl check in with her mum seems absolutely common sense to me. People going on about you ‘having to get used to it’ and you being ‘OTT’ are being really harsh. He’s still year 6. He’s never gone out with friends yet that you don’t know. Of course you are going to be wary at first. These things take time to get used to. It’s not like you’re still going to be doing this in year 9!

I’d much prefer my son had friends with mums like you than ones who have absolutely no idea what their kids are up to until the police knock on their door to say they been implicated in some crime or have been knocked down on an escooter. Seriously, you can’t bloody win!