To judge my friend harshly for this?

If you are miserable you leave.

That's your opinion but have you been in such a situation? A miserable relationship?

I'm so sorry, people have absolutely no idea how horrendous these betrayals are.
My mother was sectioned for 9 months after having a breakdown finding out her husband had been having an affair for 14 years!
I don't know how people can treat someone like that.

Some people are falling over themselves to be non-judgemental of two married people who had an affair. What about sisterhoid? She had an affair with a married father, resulting in his wife getting a massive shock, him moving out, and his kids feeling that they've been replaced with a new baby, who he lives with full time.

I think they're both shits- yes relationships breakdown, but these two were broken, and the kids are the ones who will suffer.

You don't know what goes on in her marriage and what caused her to cheat.

Nothing can cause someone to cheat other than they choose to.

Perhaps it's wanting another baby that has swung it. She might have waited until she knew that the pregnancy was somewhat viable. At the moment you don't kif they were seperated, but sharing a house. I'd hear her out. I'd say the same if they were male. Sometimes the marriage is over well before a split and I could see how an affair would happen.

When I was 34, I had 2 types of contraception fail - one of them was the morning after pill - and I ended up pregnant. I dislike children intensely so I was horrified, as I had always used contraception diligently since I started having sex when I was 17. I had a termination at the earliest possible moment. I was also very happily married at the time...so yes, accidental pregnancy does happen. I also didn't broadcast to all our friends at the time, so it probably happens far more often than you would think.

I can’t believe that an intelligent woman in her late 30’s who has been married a few years had an accident with contraception.

Interesting. You do realise that intelligence has little to do with it and no birth control is 100% effective if used correctly? I’d recommend reading the packaging of whatever you’re using.

Also. I’ve found that in that generation in the UK apparently not everyone consistently uses birth control/ discusses it properly beforehand. It’s not really tied to ‘intelligence’ as the main case I’m going off here was a medical doctor 🤦‍♀️ but apparently other male friends also don’t prioritise it.

It’s besides the point as your argument seems to be more around moral judgement/ continuing the friendship, but it’s medically possible for anyone to get accidentally pregnant, including you. You could be that 5%.

Hold on- people are judging you for judging her?

Doesnt that make THEM equally as “judgemental” then?! 🤣

It would obviously make you think about this friend differently.
We do not know what her DH was like, but she cheated on him. She must have been covering up, lying, etc. So, what else could she be lying about, or being deceitful about?
Depending on how good a friend she is, I would probably continue with the friendship but I'd be wary. She has dumped her DH, she might 'dump' you, etc.
In other words, knowing this about someone, would certainly make me re evaluate my friendship.

I mean. It's up to you how you want to judge your friend but just know that situations like this are not black and white. You don't know what goes on in her marriage and what caused her to cheat.

Many people have affairs for a whole number of reasons. Myself included. I'll get a slaying for this but I've had an affair (kind of, I am not married but in a LTR) at the time I was very unhappy and there is no intimacy in my relationship, no mental or emotional support, treated like a maid or even room mate. The opportunity presented itself and I didn't say no. Doesn't mean I'm a bad person. Although, I did realize what I had done and the potential consequences so I put a stop to it and now I live with the guilt but that's on me and not for anyone else to judge on. People may not agree with it but it's not their life and it makes no difference to them.

Also, yes it's up to you how you feel about it but if you were actually a friend that cared about her you would want to know what led her to that decision in having an affair. Sometimes affairs are justified dependant on circumstances.

but that’s so ridiculously black and white and fits only a certain scenario.

what if someone isn’t unhappy or doesn’t realise they are unhappy until they meet someone else?

lol. If you're happy and in love, no one gets close in that way. People know if they're happy or not. To pretend they don't us just something scummy people say to excuse their actions.

what if they want to improve things but can’t seem to?

I literally said if you can't improve things.

Don’t be friends with them anymore

I think you're confusing AIBU with Tattle.

But this is exactly my point. Asks AIBU, doesn't like views that don't validate you.

we all judge ( favourably or otherwise) people on what they wear, their job, opinions, what they wear etc etc. but we’re not allowed to have an opinion when something like this happens

Of course. There is a thread on here with a woman who fancies her BIL and everyone is telling her she's piece of shit for thinking about cheating - I think that counts as pretty "judgy" personally 😂

If I had a male friend who cheated in the same way I would make the same call as to whether I liked him or not to decide whether I wanted to stay friends. So no I wouldn't decide just based on their sex I would decide based on the friendship I had. But that's me and everyone else can do them.

Inviting strangers to judge your friend, that you previously liked until you find out one particular detail about them, of which you do not know the details/judging a stranger for a situation you know nothing about is a huge character flaw in my opinion. Everyone makes judgements but when we voice them, we are usually not doing it for any other reason than to share that we are a 'better' than the person we judge and inviting others to validate us. It is not a pleasant thing to do.

This is so true. And I'm a prime example. I probably wouldn't judge this woman and think, well you don't know what goes on behind closed doors but if it was a man? Different story. He'd be all the bastards under the sun.

I need to check myself.

Sorry - I’ve yet to meet anyone who had an accidental pregnancy who diligently used contraception

Well I got pregnant while I had a coil fitted!!

I mean - im not sure what you want out of this thread, are you being unreasonable to judge her harshly based on what you perceive you know to have caused her to cheat and have a baby with this man? No - judge all you want, i dont think she probably would care, she sounds like shes got stuff going on. Would i judge my friend? I would probably try to find out what on earth happened to cause this - before judging her. Ive read on here once, opinions are are like arseholes - everyone's got one 😂

haha! exactly what I was thinking.

So next time someone comes on here having found their husband is cheating, he will get the same defence will he? poor bloke just made a mistake- none of us are perfect after all!

😂

I’m sure my ex bad-mouthed me to his family who lived across the country. I’m sure he told them all the bad things I (allegedly) said and did.
But then I didn’t have to explain to them the new woman and their 2-yr-old before our divorce was final.
lol