MN phrases that you would ban

A general question. Does everyone believe the one-sided version of events that are written on MN?

If a partner is abusive (as opposed to just extremely annoying) then I would say that leaving is the best thing to do. Especially if you have children. If you’ve no money/social support then it will be hard yes I’m not denying that. I am not for one second saying it will be rosy and wonderful.

For everything else yes you can communicate with your partner rather than post on MN but, since you’ve chosen to post on MN rather than communicate with your partner, the reply’s are possibly going to assume it’s gone past that point (rightly or wrongly).

At least that's a unisex piece of advice!

@HungryLittleCrocodile

I understand what you mean about LTB but I think you are misreading it.

Its not meant to suggest that it’s easy. It’s meant to show the OP that her instincts are correct and that remaining in her marriage is not the best way to be happy. Sometimes it really is worth spelling this out because posters are usually in denial. It takes a lot to put yourself through this upheaval and most people will understandably avoid it unless it’s absolutely necessary. No one is going to leave a marriage that’s even reasonably tolerable just because some people have said LTB to them.

And you are correct that extricating yourself from a marriage is not easy even when you’re working and not to be taken lightly.

But it’s always possible if you want it badly enough. There are protections in place for women who desperately need to leave their marriages. You can do it if it’s your absolute priority. Sometimes people just need to be woken up to how bad it is.

“It’s too peopley out there.”

Absolutely hate this phrase. Dressing grumpiness and misanthropy up erroneously as “being an introvert”.

I find it disturbing that you can now get mugs and mousemats with this loathsome little phrase on them.

Grow up. It’s not all about you and your specialness.

@Wheredidileavemycarkeys

Well yeah - if your DH is being a tit to you, and making your life miserable, it's understandable that people may think you would be better off without your DH.

The point is though, that people say LTB constantly on here, as if it's as easy as opening and closing a door. Just pack your life into 2 suitcases and trot off into the sunset, like it's THAT easy. And as has been said, sometimes people say LTB for really silly trivial reasons. And even if they're not trivial, they don't suggest people try to work things out, or suggest sensible things, they just say LEAVE!

Like, where the fuck are these women meant to go?

See also 'kick him out. Make him leave - now!' No man is going to pack his suitcases and leave his OWN HOME! (And where is HE meant to go?)

We've got several million people waiting on the social housing list, and 100s of 1000s of people who struggle to get private let homes. Where is any woman or man meant to go if they leave? A Travelodge?! Be lucky even to get a room there as it's often full, and also it would work out very expensive if you stayed there long term. And where are all your possessions meant to go?

Despite the constant chorus of LEAVE THE BASTARD on Mumsnet, in reality, it is incredibly difficult to leave your spouse/long-term partner. And the longer you have been together the harder it is, for all the reasons I mentioned in my earlier post - joint finances, joint extended families, children together, home together, your whole lives completely entwined/enmeshed. Along with NOWHERE ELSE TO GO.

Often easier for many women to weather the storm and stay. It will get better eventually for most. I know a number of women who left her husband for not really trivial reasons, but for things that they could probably have worked on. And they are now middle aged, begging for extra hours at work - to make ends meet, constantly brassick, very lonely, and miserable as sin.

The picture painted on Mumsnet (from some posters) of a woman leaving her 'crappy' DH and living a wonderful single life full of joy and happiness, gorgeous young men chasing after her, retraining for a new career, walking into a shiny new career paying £125K a year, and getting a new bunch of friends, and living her best life is a pure fantasy.

This will NOT happen for the vast majority of women who leave their husband. Most will be lonely, and will be living on or below the poverty line, without a pot to piss in, and be working every hour God send just to make ends meet.

Oh yes, asking those involved is just not on.

Far better to do an AIBU? on here and wait several days.

By which time of course the car has moved / person left the cafe / parcel brought round / problem has solved itself.

This. ^

See also 'you sound young OP!' Soooo patronising.

I also hate it when posters attack people who enjoy being fussed over on their birthday! (People ask 'hey OP, are you 5?') SO rude!

AND I hate it when posters have a dig at people who don't like to open the front door when they're not expecting anyone. There's a multitude of reasons why people don't want to answer, and they don't deserve to be mocked for it.

It's usually the same people who ask 'are you 5?' say 'you sound hard work,' and who mock people for eating small portions of food, and call them 'teeny tiny' and ask if they are 'very elderly.' Horrible rude snarky behaviour!

I am Guilty of that

Sorry

Agree with this. ^

DMOTH?! 😆

Where do you live? I have never read it, or heard it, anywhere but on MN!

I agree with this. What else are people supposed to say then?

Talk to him- I am sure the OP has already tried that since its pretty obvious
Counselling- he probably refuses to go if he's an arsehole
Cheating- what if he wont stop?

What else is left apart from leaving if the OP is utterly miserable?

Anyone who is mildly annoying is a narcissist. No exceptions 🙃

Not so much a phrase, but the idea that absolutely everyone in the entire world is either an abusive narcissist or a nice blameless reasonable mumsnetter, is pretty weird to me and seems to be getting more common on here.

And then when you start complaining on mumsnet (that you're not happy in your marriage,) you get a chorus of LTB! You've got kids together, you've got pets together, you've got 2 extended families together, you've got a home and a mortgage or joint tenancy, and you've got enmeshed finances. And probably two thirds of women would not be able to survive on their own financially. Especially if they have kids

But if you are really unhappy in your marriage there’s always a way out. It depends what is most important.

And what is the point posting about it if you’re not prepared to hear the possibility that your marriage is beyond salvage. What do you think people want to hear? “You need to sit down and talk it out.” With a drunken, abusive arsehole. Sometimes people need to be told.

I actually find it more irritating when people complain about LTB. If anything it’s under-used.

I disagree with the read and run thing- if a poster is upset and seems to need a friendly word or validation of some sort and you’ve just seen the thread but don’t have time to come up with anything that you e put a lot of/ enough thought into, I think it’s helpful!

This is the most bonkers thing I've ever heard in my life.

@DinnaeFashYersel

You've used it twice in that list and now I'm just plain ragin'!

And then when you start complaining on mumsnet (that you're not happy in your marriage,) you get a chorus of LTB! You've got kids together, you've got pets together, you've got 2 extended families together, you've got a home and a mortgage or joint tenancy, and you've got enmeshed finances. And probably two thirds of women would not be able to survive on their own financially. Especially if they have kids

Thing is if you make a post making your partner sound like a deadbeat at best or abusive at worst those are the responses you’ll get. I mean what are you supposed to say?

"LTB he's a narcissist" for the most ridiculous things!

"We had an argument, I threw a boulder at him and he when I left the room I heard him cussing under his breath"

MN: "LTB, he is a narcissist who is verbally and emotionally abusing you. Get your ducks in a row and leave this toxic relationship"

‘No skin in the game’ someone used it once, suddenly, everyone has ‘no skin in the game’

oh yes. I hate this.

Also “‘‘twas ever thus” and “you poor thing” (I know it’s meant well but it’s just so damn patronising)

That's a very common expression IRL where I live, it has been for as long as I can recall.

The difference between "that doesn't work for me" and "I can't / don't want to" is that with the latter, the speaker is making themselves the reason for saying no, rather than making the subject the issue.

Thus, it becomes easier for the other person to get in a strop / try to challenge / try to change the other person's mind, when someone is saying they are the reason, rather than the subject.