Can’t tolerate MIL

🙄 obviously that's not what OP is saying.

She wants to feel respected and secure with boundaries that are understood. Coming into an environment where a new mother is still convalescing and bonding with her baby needs a bit of understanding... Which you sound like you have an abundance of.

OP, do what is right for you. Your husband can explain to his family that he will let them know when you're ready. You need his complete support in this and be aligned well in advance. I hope you're MIL and family can be more sensitive to your needs this time x

My IL came after 3 weeks and we get along fine. That was when I felt ready and able to have people over. Thankfully they have enough brain cells to realise the baby isn't going anywhere and the mother's recovery is just as important. Also they lived far away and needed to stay over and it was only then that I felt able to host. Also they didn't sit back and wait on me to cater for them, they pitched in and dh took over too.

If the OP came on here and said "when I was pregnant, my H kept calling me fat and telling me to eat less, then after a traumatic birth I got home and he wouldn't let me hold the baby, or sleep, I had to sit in the lounge and make polite conversation for hours.
I told him his behaviour and comments hurt me but he just shrugged and said he got the message, but his behaviour towards me didn't get any kinder or more caring and there was no apology." Posters would be telling her to LTB.

All the MIL has to do is say "Christ, I was such a bitch to you with your first born, I'm so sorry. I never should have commented on your weight, I should have let you rest post birth and just cuddle up with your baby, I promise to give you some space this time and visit when you're ready and well enough for it." And I'm sure the OPs attitude would change.

But the MIL has been a bitch, she's been told her behaviour has upset OP and she doesn't care, she certainly hasn't apologised for it. Normal people feel guilty and rush to apologise when they find out they've hurt someone; self-centred and unkind people don't.

I can see why OP doesn't want to be around this woman, regardless of who she is.

Understandable, they sound insensitive and landed their visit on the the exact time baby blues tend to set in. YANBU.

Set your boundaries. Either push back their newborn visit to when you want it and be very firm about this or just don't tell them you've given birth. There's nothing wrong with keeping it quiet for a few days whilst you find your feet. They'll get over it

Match their energy on the visit, if they act like you're not there... Then don't be! Have DH set up to feed and go for a gloriously long nap or take DC1 out for a potter to the nearest coffee shop for 1-1 time.

DH is crucial as he needs to have your back and should be communicating with his family

Usually a first baby gets a lot more fuss than subsequent ones.
Not sure why, but it's a common theme.

OP doesn't mention dickhead behaviour on their part.

Babies are pay per view after a fashion IMO. The price is being kind to the woman who just carried and gave birth to them.

FWIW, I saw my ILs first. My FIL was horribly rude as ever. MIL told him to piss off and gave me a hug. Guess who is welcome to visit and who isn't?

And that is how it should be done - sensible in-laws and a DH stepping up.

I think 2 weeks is too long but I will only ever be the paternal grandmother- if I’m lucky - and I do not expect a DIL to want me there as early as she wants her DP and sister. I had to remind DH when he commented on a similar situation that it is not a fairness issue for grandparents but a health and comfort priority for a new mum who is still bleeding and hormonal.

When mine were babies and FIL wanted to visit (I do not see or speak to him) I just went and had a sleep/rest in the bedroom. DH brought the baby to me when she needed feeding. After that point DH has just taken the children to see FIL and I don’t go

Of course he does. But he also has to manage the visit so that the baby's mother is cared for and considered, doesn't have to do anything, and the visit isn't too long.

Three days is okay as long as the visitors recognise that their four hour journey might only result in an hour's visit.

When my in-laws came down, they went straight to a garden centre and cafe, and waited until I was ready (baby just fed, n me feeling comfortable, DH ready to do so the hosting)

No!

If she can be respectful and kind yes.

for the rest of the child's life, for sure. Right after giving birth and for however long OP (or any other mother) feels like: she gets to choose who she is around/who visits her. And that includes having her own parents/siblings around because they are her natural family and of course she is more relaxed around them.

After that, MIL gets a look in.

Ahh OP I can massively relate, my first baby’s birth was quite traumatic and both times so far (I’m pregnant right now) I found day 3 after the birth the hardest day for some reason. I think it might be when adrenaline starts to wear out and the exhaustion kicks in.

Boundaries are important. If they’re rude to you or about you, they should be expected to stop right then and apologise. Your partner needs to back you up at the time on this. There’s a lot to be said for getting this first visit out of the way sooner rather later but if you’re not up to it, then the baby will still be there at a week old or 2 weeks old or whatever. My second child’s birth was a breeze compared to the first- hopefully this happens to you too- so it might not be too tough this time. I will say I’ve never been able to go for a lie down/nap without my newborns. I’ve needed to be with them constantly. I assumed that’s normal but as that’s been suggested on here maybe it isn’t.

Zen nudist.. Did her in laws give her a hug?

It sounds like you are being oversensitive. It's pretty usual to let the GPs see their new DGC straight away. The mum is usually recovering from birth. You are allowed to be in your PJs and in bed and looking ill. It's to be expected .

You might be different with your second and bounce back quickly. I made a point of being up and dressed the day after birth with number 2. I took him out on the 2nd day of his life whereas I was in hospital for 5 days with my first.

No one is ready for visitors after giving birth. Usually the husband can field the family and friends who come to visit the baby.

My parents and in law's arrived at the hospital unbidden. Drove 1-3 hours there they gave me a hug because I was crying (hormones) but otherwise just saw the baby then drove home. Can't your family make a flying visit without you getting all worked up ahead of time?

@Teacherbee85 her dh hopefully understands that mum is the most important person in babies life right now. So mum is queen.
He needs to protect the mother of his child for her sake and the sake of their newborn.

It's extremely sad that he would have to protect his partner from his own parents and I'm sure his causes him embarrassment and sadness.

This is always difficult as generally it’s different rules for in-laws than parents. You need to consider your husbands feelings too in this. I had my in-laws show up at the hospital both times and second time they brought DP’s brother and SIL 3hrs after I’d given birth and we had to order pizza in as they needed dinner. To be honest it was good to get their first visit done. If you don’t want any visitors, including your parents then let everyone know you want 2wks with no visitors. It might annoy people but if you and your DH are both on board with it, they will have to suck it up

@Pottedpalm rude judgemental in laws have been welcomed into her home and this is how they treated her. Disgracefully.

A virtual stranger?? This is the child’s grandmother. Maybe time she was welcomed into the OP’s cosy little family.

None of this would be like this had the in laws not been toxic and rude.. They need to own their behaviour, cruel words and toxic attitude.

Op has been friendly and courteous but has now drawn a line when she has been at her most vulnerable.
Of course most in laws want to see their own gc but how many snatch baby and ignore mum.

No flowers? Little gift? I would do a hamper of treats including some essentials. Flowers, choclate etc.

If the in laws hadn't been rude and dismissive then perhaps op wouldn't be feeling like this.

Op have a tight conversation with your partner.. Make it clear he needs to say something if they mention weight or anything negative or rude.
Then have a code signal or word if you need them to go immediately.

Darling can you open a window it's stuffy = start to ask them to go. You say your tired and take baby and go to upstairs.

I think you’re forgetting that the last birth was a traumatic one. It’s the person birthing the baby who should decide when they’re ready for visitors.

Or do you just see your daughter in law as a birthing machine?

The weight comments are unacceptable, your DH should have made her apologise before allowing her to enter your home again.

They travelled a couple of hours to see us, and then spent the afternoon passing the baby round having multiple photos, basically pretending I wasn’t there.

I think your DH should have told everyone that due to the birth being traumatic, you need a few weeks to yourselves before visitors. However, regarding their visit, what was the issue with what they did? Presumably you were resting and DH was hosting them? Maybe they just wanted to let you rest? Or are you saying they actively ignored you and didn’t speak to you at all?

If you are not comfortable with a visit like last time so close to the birth, this time say you would like visits after a week (for example) and stick to that. Giving birth can make you feel vulnerable if it didn’t go that well but also sometimes powerful too. Focus on being assertive with your in laws (but not rude) eg if mil says ‘oh, she’s eating again’. You could say something like, ‘ mil, i feel judged when you comment on my eating habits and please don’t talk about me in the third person when I am in the room, it is not kind’. I know it is hard but she will have much more respect for you. If she doesn’t, then you go lower contact. But may be a shame for your DC not to have a fuller relationship with grandparents. I would try and work on the relationship first if possible by you ‘staying in your power’.

My PIL live abroad and came on the day I went into Labour and left two weeks later! This was ok but I have had to learn assertiveness with them as I don’t see them for 3-6 months and then we are together for two weeks. So different issue. I make sure we have time on our own within that time and arrange an afternoon/evening out for myself at least once in that time etc…Phrases like, ‘Thank you for your advice, I will think about it’…’it works for us!’ came in handy. My mil has some good ideas and I want to learn from her culture but she has sine very old fashioned superstitious ideas too such as if a woman touches raw meat while menstruating, the meat goes off!! So while I listen to all advice and don’t think I know everything, I take it with a HUGE pinch of salt and remember my own core beliefs. Work out your own core values which you don’t negotiate on and then maybe some you are willing to compromise on.