To be filled with regrets about my parenting choices

No matter how hard you pushed them you could have always have pushed them harder

Is your child playing Chess for UK at 9? No? Why is your family so lazy? Come on - chop! chop! Winner takes it all, stop doing "screen time" it's time to hustle...

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c3g6e653wrlo

I was coming here to say that I’m willing to bet you made the best choices you could with the information you had available at the time. But I see you’ve already worked that out.

So what exactly do you have to forgive yourself for? For not being clairvoyant? That’s the only way you could have done anything different and doing anything different doesn’t mean it would have been better.

because you did the best you knew at the time, and that is all anyone can do. Pushing them harder might not have gone well, anyway, they might not have achieved anything, or they might have achieved well but been unhappy. You don't know.

I pushed mine quite hard, but not a lot to show for it now! 😂

Well you feeling guilty and upset about the past isn’t going to go anyone any good, all you can do is your best from now on!

Every time I used to try to push my two, they just pushed back.
I realised pushing was no good. I supported them in their choices, I offered guidance when requested, and made sure they knew they could come to me for anything.
Do I agree with their life choices? Not always. But they are both lovely people who function well in society; they have chosen different paths to the ones I thought they would, but that's not on me as their parent.

How old are they?

I'm sorry you're feeling like this. Have there been any negative consequence of you not doing the things you feel you should have done? How old are your children now and are they happy?

I would worry more about a child who has been over-pushed, than one who hasn't been pushed enough.

Why do you wish you pushed them harder OP?

I think that’s quite an unusual regret. I don’t think there’s any parent out there who thinks they got everything right but if your children are happy and healthy, I’d say you’ve got nothing to worry about.

Young adults/adults have the autonomy to pursue things they choose even if they weren’t “pushed”. I have seen some children who were pushed and they didn’t have the best childhood at all.

I beat myself up about the secondary school - couldn't have foreseen how bad it would get - but the focus has to be getting them through it and on to better.

With DD2 now that has meant for two subjects - actually sitting down and practically teaching - making sure she uses any apps school have and paying for other and books and emphasis she need to do as well as she can - without stressing her so much it has an adverse effect on her. She'll likely do well enough to be able to get where she needs - many of her friends aren't as lucky.

I think it’s natural to look back and feel things could have been done differently but you’ll never really know if the outcome would have been better.

Academic success isn’t everything.

You can't change the past so no choice but to focus on the future.

I got a good primary for ours- only to find it poor at support for my kids so had to put in in at home which at time felt awful and even now despite them doing well academically I do wonder if I should have just enjoyed them more.

When we move no choice over primary and it was one locals avoided - but it was a hugely positive experience. Secondary I did loads of research - lovely place - it changed while my DC were there. I do think it's adversely affected my kids - I think our daughters grades would be higher at another school - DS mainly home support that kept him on track. We were lucky regional college open up campus we could get to - and that's worked well for A-levels.

I did when they were younger often wish we could get them to, non drivers - and afford more activities for them but in end they got more opportunists than I did. Even music we got so messed around by council service - we gave up and couldn't get them to private lessons. I think youngest wished for more there - but she can take it up when older if she chooses.

Eldest is ND - other likely to be as well - but never got past blocks put up to assessment routes and couldn't afford private route - had negative comments on here about that - but we really did our best.

I wish I could have given them everything - but we are where we are - DD1 is at uni on a course and campus she likes - and DS on track - and DD2 should be okay we'll see.

This absoloutely. excelling at activities is not important in the great scheme of life.

You can only do what you believe to be best at the time. Good decisions can have poor outcomes, you can't predict the future.

Pushed them harder?

In the nicest way possible… children shouldn’t be pushed. Especially not hard. They should be encouraged to try their best, try new things and if they don’t like it then that’s okay. Academia is not the be all and end all of life.

You sound quite hysterical over this. How old are they now? Has something happened to make you feel this way recently?

Can I be completely honest?

You have to get over it and move on from the past, nothing you can do can make you go back in time and change things. It’s impossible.

Focus on supporting your children now to live their dreams and offer support if they need it

By living with regrets you are just taking away the joy and support that you could be feeling now!

Do your children feel that you need forgiveness? Do they blame you for how they were raised and the choices that were made?

You’ll never know if they would have taken a blind bit of notice. If they are now adults and unhappy, it’s within their power to change things. I’m sure you did your best at the time, but now it’s their responsibility.

What outcome would have pushing them harder achieve that they didn't achieve?

Also, there could have been negative unintended consequences of being pushier in certain areas.

If you want advice you need to be much more specific: what exactly did you do in terms of piling the pressure on? Encourage them not to give up a hobby half way through a term or make them feel inadequate?

Why were the schools so bad? Bad fit/bullying? What did you do to support them and resolve this?

Most importantly, what do your children say about this? What's the impact on their childhood and lives?

Are your children under 18 or are they now adults?

But also, if the children as adults feel you messed it up. Then start with an honest apology.

Its hard to say op as your posts are pretty vague. In the grand scheme of life though, there's plenty worse parenting than choosing the wrong school

Again is it that you feel you wanted too much or too little?