MIL said I'm selfish with the baby

I'd thank her and say that its a kind offer but doesn't work for you, what works for you and what would be helpful is xyz
you don't need to explain yourself but points about travel time for dd and nursery contract are perfectly valid... regardless of the fact you want to spend time with your own child on they day off you worked so hard to arrange

That's some loser you had a child with.
Not around much, lives in YOUR house, let's you pay for nursery?

What a loser.
And now you have his mother sticking her oar in?
OP, you need to protect yourself and your children from your poor choices.

You have organised everything and are juggling so much because you are doing it alone.
Tell him to sort his mother out and give not one inch to her on this.

yup, declining an offer of help that you don't need or don't want is not selfish. I mean how can it be? The only way it can be selfish is if the MIL person is entitled to something and isn't getting it, which is not the case.

I know you're saying that you're in a good place right now, but it just seems like your previous troubles (and his relative's experience) has focused some minds on that side of the family. I think you're right to suspect there's a motive here. Whilst your DP is often away and has an unpredictable work schedule, I would suspect they're setting up a situation where your DD is very comfortable and familiar with his DPs/their home, and that this would facilitate a more even split of care in the event of a split regardless of his working pattern. I'm assuming the 'day off' you both have is a Friday- how long until she asks for an overnight until Saturday, with pick up time getting later and later? It's coming babe, you don't need a crystal ball.

A friend's husband had a similar issue insofar as he has his daughter from a previous relationship EOW, but his mother provided childcare FOC 3 days during the week (i.e., during his ex's time). There was a dispute over something, and when he sought legal advice he was told that actually his split of the care wasn't just EOW, as his mother's contribution counted towards his "share" of the DD's care. His ex must have had similar advice because she dropped whatever she had taken issue with and matters returned to a somewhat even keel shortly after.

I think I would respond to her and say that you appreciate the offer but be categoric that what she is proposing will not help you or DD. That the arrangements you have in place are working well for you and DD who is happy and settled. Reiterate your previous offers of day trips to you on your day off/whatever you're comfortable with, and say that that offer will remain open. Bit of a shit sandwich, but if they resist I think you have to ask yourself is it worth trying to preserve a good relationship with people who are ready to shit all over you and your DD's best interests.

Time to remind the mil that she can stay in a local hotel when she visits seeing that you own the family house and she has been nasty to you. Let her know that you are not dependent on her son. He is dependent on you for housing. If you split you’ll be in your house with your kids. She has no rights over your children. Keep her at arms length

If you split with DP MIL would have no say in seeing her grandchild. I would just carry on regardless and ignore any more jibes from her she sounds nasty and I wouldn't want to leave a pet spider with her let alone a child. Stop facilitating visits. Your child your rules.

Don't be giving MIL ideas.....

I'm late to the party and likely repeating others but you just say 'it isn't selfish to want to spend my one day off a week with my own baby and her with me'. No one can argue that and if they do, they'll sound silly and you can comfortably ignore. Her entitlement is outrageous and the cheek to call you selfish!?

OP just don't engage with her. I've said this a few times on here but my (now ex) MIL ruined the first year for me, she was absolutely batshit crazy. It did calm down.

I wouldn't worry about it if you split because it doesn't sound like DP is present now so changing jobs isn't going to happen any time soon and a court really wouldn't opt for your baby being bounced around people 4 hours away whilst you are capable of doing it.

As an aside, my MIL said something similar but now we have split barely sees the DC because ex barely sees them and if she'd actually been nice to me I would have taken them to see her, kept her informed but she made her bed.

Stand your ground, don't give in. I she really loves the family she will understand, if not then she's a selfish demanding woman.

Her thought process I believe is that if DP and I weren't together I would be having to "give up" baby to DP for overnights etc. so why can't she have them now?

I hope that makes sense?

You are together, though, so it's completely irrelevant. It's like saying, "but, someone else would be looking after your children if you died!" Yes, well, I'm alive.

I know. I find it baffling too. My mum LOVED being a granny. Truly loved it. And she was brilliantly hands on with it too. But a massive part of what she loved about it was, as she told me regularly, "being able to hand them back". She loved that she could have the fun times and do fun things, without having to get up in the night or fight about bedtime or worry about whether their nutrition was good enough. She could buy them ridiculous treats and leave me to buy the school shoes and the boring raincoat. She was right there with me worrying about them when they were sick, but she wasn't here spooning calpol down their throats at 2am (although I'm sure if I'd been desperate she would have).

She absolutely helped out with babysitting when needed, but had zero desire to do it on a permanent or even consistent basis.

Both my dad and FIL are similar - they're there pushing the DC on the swings at the park, buying icecreams and ridiculous chocolates that neither me nor DH would EVER have been allowed. They're happily chatting away to their grandchildren about the issues of the day, but they're not stepping up to do any of the heavy lifting.

I really don't get this obsession some grandparents have to practically BE parents.

I have one friend who makes me laugh - he says that when his children have children, his plan is he's going to turn up at 6am every now and again and do the breakfast/school run routine so his kids get a break, then he'll happy drop the GC off at school and get on with his day! In other words, even as a grandparent he sees himself prioritising supporting his CHILDREN.

"You have more money than me, and it's not fair!"
"Well, I could let you have twenty quid once a month to help you out..."
"No, you're being SELFISH, I want as much money as I ask for and whenever I ask for it, however much that might inconvenience you!"

Does that help? You can't be 'selfish' over something that actually is YOURS just because someone else wants more of it than they are getting.

You should prioritise what works for you and baby first. If your relationship with DP has been rocky, it will not help if you're unhappy and resentful at appeasing others at the expense to yourself and/or baby. Add in the breastfeeding, which is amazing to still be able to do at the point, you and baby being together is top most priority. Make yourself less available to messages from your partner's mother, make replies later and later. You don't have to commit to anything.

I always question this statement.

Why? He doesn't have your back

He can insist all he likes

He's away so he's left it all to you

You do what suits you, your baby and your other children (btw does she show any interest at all with them?)

It’s MILs like this who give us MIL a bad name ! I am a MIL and Granny and happy to help out but having raised 3 DC , I have no interest in being anything other than a doting Granny . This obsession that some Grandparents have with alone time with their DGC honestly baffles me and I don’t think it’s healthy .

It’s not you causing the rift it’s her and your spineless H

Grandparents have no legal rights.

She's batshit. And selfish.

My own mum & step dad took my baby/ toddler one day a week and travelled 2 hours each way to do it (in my house). They really wanted to do it and it was great. Continued until he was 8 or so (collecting him from school). They got to see him, he loved it, it took the pressure off visits at other times and made my work life easier (no cut off collections on that day). If she would swap her days and travel to you and nursery would drop a day could work..lots of ifs. Would not have allowed a sleepover though. Not until he was much older. We never did though because they came here…

He doesn't sound great even if you think you are now in a good place. He should support you on this. To be honest I'd just draw back for a while and let him sort out his mum seeing the baby. Stop facilitating the relationship so much. You seem very level headed but you are running yourself ragged to appease everyone whilst keeping all the plates spinning.

I have actually known someone whose ex got 50-50 with his parents doing the care. She was distraught, got no financial help and the ex continued on with his life as usual. It was awful and can happen.

What was said to me at the time by him (so I've no idea if this has come from them or just something DP has decided). Was that he'd be having 50/50 custody. But as he admittedly wouldn't be able to do 50% himself due to being away with work, that LO would be going to his Mum and Dads, and sister and BIL's on "his" days. He even mentioned certain days that BIL is off work and would have LO. My BIL has seen the baby twice btw.

Bollocks.

It would nee dto be a lot more than one day a week for her to be eligible for "grandparent" rights in the event of a split.

I think you[re right though - she thinks that SHE should have the time your DP is NOT having.

Fine - but then I assume she'll be available for those middle of the night feeds and wake ups? And to do bed and bathtime, in her own bed? And will be moving to be closer to you because obviously you can't have her travelling for hours every time she has contact?

Plus grandparents rights don’t really exist