MIL said I'm selfish with the baby

She's had her turn and child rearing. Now it's yours.

You're explaining yourself far too much there. When you do that you invite a rebuttal.

Absolutely never do that. Living so far away is your trump card in the event that you split. When your daughter is at school that will be the priority. He would maybe get every other weekend or the holidays when the distance is taken into consideration. Nobody wants a child to travel 4 hours a day to and from school.

I think the problem Vis that her attitude is so dictatorial and proprietorial towards your DD. So while it would be lovely to have the easy give and take relationship with her, I'm not so sure she'll meet you half way there. And your drippy DP seems to be of little use to you in terms of back up

Sensible solution would be for mil to change her day off. Spend the day in yours and dp house with baby BUT I'd hate mil in my house so nope lol

Well you can't, can you? You have older children who are happily and successfully spending 50% of their time with their father. How on earth can you now move 2 hours away?

I really hope this is just the same sort of vague longing that I had for years to return to my home country - I knew it wasn't going to happen, it was a small but noticeable sore in my heart, but it wasn't practical and I always knew that.

Tell MIL and DP this. She is welcome to make time to take DD out of nursery but not at the expense of your time with your daughter. Your DP could also arrange for his mother to visit on the days he is off work and looking after DD. The three of them could have time together. Her insistence on alone time and at her own home don’t work at all.

Brilliant. Here's the wording I'd use,

"It doesn't make sense for the baby to be going to MIL every week. For a start, I've put a lot of effort into making it so that I can have that day with her and her siblings (when they're home) and it's really important to me to have that time. At a practical level, on my one day off I simply can't be spending up to 4 hours in the car, and it's not good for the baby either. I think it's lovely that MIL wants time with her so I'm happy to make this effort once a month for her and, if she can work it with her schedule, she's welcome to come down and take baby out of nursery now and again and spend some time with her here. I'm sure they'd both love that. I think it's lovely that MIL wants this relationship with Baby, but it has to work for from a logistics and practical perspective."

And if my DP wanted to give baby to his parents on his days that would be his choice?

Yes it would, I have a friend whose Ex H went for 50/50 so he would not have to pay maintenance. His parents do the bulk of looking after the kids on his contact days due to his working hours.

I'd be quite careful too...basically the more grabby she gets, the more wary I'd get.

If shexwants time with with LO its up to her to travel to you bot the other way around, you shouldn't be bending over backwards to make her happy when she obviously doesn't give a hoot about your happiness.

if I was you I'd distance myself from MIL , you're busy after all, meet some lovely moms during toddlers group, go for a coffee after the session & dont invest your time pleasing MIL only to be criticised.

And if DH wants, he can please his mom during his free time.

Can she change her day off then and that one day you don't need nursery

I’m a first time grandmother to a gorgeous 4 month old baby. I see him a lot with his mum (my daughter) including most of Sunday because her partner works all day. They only live a five minute drive away

Ive looked after him alone a couple of times, just for a few hours while they were moving house. Tonight we’ve got him for the whole night (4pm until 11.30am) and I’m terrified. Obviously we’ve brought up children of our own but it was a long time ago, and by the end of Sundays I’m exhausted! And that’s with my daughter (his mum) there.

Young children and babies are a LOT of work. I don’t get this need to look after your grand daughter on her own. Surely much nicer to spend time with you too, going for a nice walk or to a play cafe or something (not for you maybe).

I think PP is right and she’s trying to establish some kind of rights over your daughter. I don’t like the sound of it at all

I think you need to be firm, and not care what anyone else thinks. You’re doing a great job

I came to say this. Say nothing. Let the crazy people i this scenario self-assess and work it out between themselves.

I think there are two good ideas. First one is @stayathomer ’s suggestion that she is welcome to come across and spend time with you and DD at toddler group etc. And @telestrations suggestion that on occasional days she could take DD out of nursery for a treat afternoon-but again, locally. She could either spend the time at your house of find something special to do nearby, but absolutely no long car journeys. In that way you are offering MIL time with her DGD but on your terms and in a way that would benefit your DD, and allow them both to enjoy the time together. Long journeys to and from her house sound ridiculous.

Yep I agree that’s a normal grandparent relationship and one I had growing up!

I have this with my MIL who asked for alone time for my 8 week old EBF baby!

I think it’s about playing mummy again without the inconvinece of really mummy being there!

It’s certainly not in your daughters best interest or yours it’s about meeting her needs and that’s not a good enough reason I’m afraid.

I would just tell DH no for all the very valid reasons you gave and leave him to deal with them. I also wouldn’t appease with a once a month alone time unless it’s what you want - she’s had her chance to parent this is your turn and you don’t want regrets!

Absolutely don’t give in to your mother in law. It is not her baby. Sign up for a baby class/baby swimming/tots group on your day off and then it is impossible even for one day a month.

Your MIL is so cheeky! As a very involved MIL I can tell you, what she is doing is not about helping you! My DIL works shifts and I go over once or twice a week to help - and help means: taking the gc to and from school/nursery school, sorting the laundry and dishwasher and doing some light cooking! I do it all with permission from my lovely DS and DIL - it gives me so much pleasure to know that I've made their hectic life a bit easier! The children love having me in their own environment and over the years we have built such a wonderful bond. I wait for my SIL or DIL to return from work, sometimes have a cup of tea with them, and then leave them to spend precious time with the children. (we also have a joint meal together almost every week). This is what my mother did when my dc were little. It's a win-win situation. How can schlepping a toddler/baby for 4 hours once a week in a car be any help to you, let alone good for the baby? Your DP should stop and think...