MIL said I'm selfish with the baby

Please don’t change anything!! We’ve seen all too often on here parents not getting childcare sorted because parents/in laws promise to have the child, then when it comes to it they back out leaving parents in a right pickle without arrangements for their children!
personally I wouldn’t respond! Tell your DP that your day off is Monday and it is YOUR time with YOUR baby! You’re not changing your days to suit someone else, but if his mum wants to drive to you at weekends and have baby for a couple of hours then she’s MORE than welcome…. Or ofcourse HE is more than welcome to meet HIS mother half way!!!
Sorry but others work round you when it’s your baby and you’re working!

and if you split up his parents have absolutely no rights what do ever to see baby…. I would point out that they’d likely see baby less (much less) if you separate as it would be all on him to arrange and travel during his time!

I worked in a refuge and a MIL was threatening to apply for visitation/custody and the family courts said grandparents have no rights at all

Good point!! And will the mother-in-law become fed up with the little one once she starts to become bigger? She’s being very selfish as is your DH.

Firstly, I’m so sorry you’re going through this, both your mother-in-law and your partner are being very unfair here! You and your little one are the priority not your mother-in-law. Like others have said she’s already had her children! What strikes me and rings the alarm bells is the fact that you are almost making plans in your head for how time will be split if your husband and you are separated. This is something I do a lot and I realise you have to plan however it strikes me that perhaps you believe your relationship won’t last? I would very politely say that you would love to accommodate her and she’s very kind to offer to help you , but you are unable to change your daughters nursery dates or your workday but if she wishes to have her as you suggested once a month then that would be amazing. Stick to your gun.

Just say no. Point out you have arranged your work/nursery schedule to allow you to have one day with your LO on your own, and such things are not easily changed. That's it. Stick to it. You can clothe words in any nicenesses you like, so long as they make plain you are not shifting.

You have a H problem not a MIL problem. Why are your needs and work pattern less important than hers?

I’m actually outraged at your MIL’s selfish behaviour. What she is asking is very unreasonable. TBH I think you are being bullied by both your MIL and by your DP enabling her.

I can’t understand why you haven’t told her to go jump in a lake. If it’s because you don’t want to upset your DH then your relationship is definitely not in a good place.

Things may be OK at the moment, but I’d be making sure he has no claim on your house, and definitely do not let your MIL set up a routine that she can later claim rights to your DC. This is what she is doing, and your DP knows this as she’s run this plan by him and he’s agreeing, just in case.

In addition, I’d be keeping a calendar of his working away routine, and what he does and doesn’t do with your DC so if you split, he’s not going to be calling the shots, as you demonstrate that he’s doing no parenting, you are.

Cover your ass OP, or you’ll regret it.

Tell your MIL, “I’m getting very, very cross now. I’m working very hard both at work, and looking after 3 DC whilst facilitating DP’s working away. I get to have 1 day quality time with my baby, and now I’m being made to feel guilty about it, and called selfish. I am not happy about being treated like this.
My DC will not be coming to your house every Friday, and the discussion is now closed”.

If your DP won’t back you up, I seriously think you should bin him off.

Been through all this personally. The partnership is you and your partner. Nothing worse than an interfering MIL who wants to interfere for her own gain. My MIL asked my husband to ask me if she could be my birthing partner - and that's where it all started to go wrong and it continued to go wrong for the next 4 years until I left with DD. If you back down you're giving them both the green light to manipulate you - he will resent you because ultimately he's trying to please his mother at your expense. He finds it easier to put pressure on you than to say 'no thank you we're fine we've got it covered' to his mother. She will continue to come up with ideas to suit her needs so be ready. Now if she wanted to spend time with you all as a family that would be normal but don't let her dictate anything. How rude to zone in on her grandchild - is your child her only grandchild? He/she has parents who make decisions together and as a family.

I did the same, went back to work and took little one to nursery mainly because it was better for her and better for me. MIL babysat one evening a fortnight because I wanted to go out. That's all she got - what I wanted when I wanted it. Husband wouldn't look after child on his days off so she went to nursery. Husband never did get the message & he lives with his mum now.

We had 5 years in court - he did that to please his mum, he didn't want the responsibility of child so dumped her at grandmas every other weekend during his contact time - grandma was over the moon. I stopped contact numerous times because our child wasn't spending quality time with her dad as he had requested and eventually he got 5 hours per fortnight. DD dumped her dad 3 years ago because all he did was point her towards her grandma & tell her what to do next time at grandma's. He was manipulating her to please himself and his mother. He's spent the last 15 years hating me and punishing DD at every opportunity til she said enough was enough. Now she can't see grandma unless she goes to his house and his sister is doing everything to support this mindset. These people are 61, 67 and 88 years old all from the same mould sadly.

I’d not pay too much attention to her to be honest, just be nice but firm. My MIL and I don’t see eye to eye on most things so I mainly ignore her and do whatever works best for me. I am never nasty about it and even if I can tell she’s not happy she never really causes a fuss because at the end of the day it would make it awkward for her to spend time with the kids if she fell out with me.

They live two hours away. That’s not convenient childcare 🙄

I am a mother in law and a grandparent, and she is being ridiculous. It's your baby not hers, and she is certainly not being helpful. I am always happy to help out if asked but wouldn't dream of demanding to have the children alone at that or any other age. If course you want to spend time with LO and well done for arranging it so well your DP should be supporting you. It's exhausting having 3 children and you should be making the most of your time together. Maybe she could drive over to visit you all occasionally.
And grandparents have no rights in law - sadly.

I think the big question no one is asking is if mil wants baby that badly why can't SHE change her work day off? Why does it need to be baby's mother who has to do all the compromising? It's bloody ridiculous- you don't get long with the baby as a baby so hold onto that day and to hell with mil. It is not mil's baby. She has had her time with her kids as babies - this is your time. Mil and dp are beyond selfish expecting you to give up your time with the baby. Good luck x

Some legal advice from me as a legal professional, although every case is different and will be decided on its own facts.

if you split up and end up in court any child arrangements order will be made in the best interests of the child, not the adults.

There is no presumption of 50/50 care unless the father can care for them himself. Even then it depends on the facts of the case, and your individual circumstances.
He can be assisted by other family members, but the presumption is he will be the main carer, apart from short periods such as school pickups, etc.

Grandparents have to apply for permission to the Court to apply for any contact to a grandchild, and it won’t be granted unless it’s in the best interests of the child.

I hope this is helpful OP.

I really REALLY hope that you and your DP have a cohabitation agreement drawn up by your solicitor .

No, no, no and NO!

It’s ok for other to stick their nose in when they aren’t expected to give up something, run around to make something happen!

The amount of travel involved is ridiculous, sure it would be nice if she lived around the corner and you got a few hours to yourself an odd time with no faff.

You’ve just got to be blunt here and say no, give your reason one last time and tell them that’s the end of it.

Get thee to a solicitor.

As the Russians say, hope for the best but prepare for the worst. MIL hasn't got a leg to stand on. DP too, can't dictate how an independent, single woman lives or how she raises her children. Actually, by having a day each week to bond with LO you're showing that you're a brilliant mum.

Inform DP that if he wants his mum to spend time with LO it's going to be on his time. If he can't, then hard cheese. Meanwhile, forestall whatever machinations they have planned.

Good luck!

I didn't mean to explain myself too much on that text, it wasn't the first one. Convo went like this

(Discussion about MIL watching DD a couple of days while I do work training on usual day off)

MIL- well if she's happy with me on these days and goes okay, we can have her every Friday.

Me- Friday is my day off, I won't usually be working Fridays.
(confused and thinking she's mixed up with what days I work although we've discussed my return to work many times, and the reason she was helping with DD for a couple of days is because I need to work on my day off)

MIL- yes I know you don't work Fridays. But I'd like to have DD.

Me- message I've posted below.

MIL- ignores me totally and tells DP I'm a selfish so and so.

Just to add I appreciate she is helping me by watching DD a couple of days... but I do have closer and more convenient options for childcare, I gave MIL first refusal for these days as I knew she was keen to be involved. Now regretting that.

This is a baby not a toy, more importantly your baby.

OP you took that time to share quality time with you LO and it is important your Bub has your input, and bonds with you in these first 4/7 years. It’s your family, your child, she’s imprinting on and learning she’s part of. Not MIL.

MIL’s don’t have any rights over grandchildren but if they are lucky to have a good relationship with you, similar values, supporting your parenting and relationships between you and your children then and only then MIL’s in general I hope would respectfully offer support without selfish reasons. If she’s not respectful of you being the mother of your child and treats the situation like she has dibs and hurt if you don’t move around her then she’s not off to a good start as a role model and responsible adult emotionally, or as any support to you.

Just my personal opinion.

An idea moving forward:
As you are her mother OP. If MIL would like to spend time with your child then MIL needs your consent. To do this you could strip it back and offer her to come visit for a coffee to see “you” OP once a month and she can thank her lucky stars if she sees your LO, It might give her a chance to start afresh and approach offering “you” her support from scratch another healthier way.

Remember she’s offering you support not your baby. Perhaps she’s lost sight and has a touch of the green eyed monster .🤷‍♀️

She's toxic and your DP needs to take your side!!!!

I am outraged on your behalf. Hold that boundary.

“I have arranged my working week to spend a day with my baby while she is little, so that’s what I’m going to do. I appreciate the offer of help though. What would really help is if you respected this.”

I really can’t get my head around how some people’s brains work.
She is being completely unreasonable. Weird even. Your partner must see that. He needs to toughen up a bit and tell his mum that this isn’t helpful or realistic. You’ve said all you need to say on the matter now. Just don’t entertain it any further xx

Did you give birth for the sake of your mil? And your Dp not standing up for you?
Honestly…

Forgot to add: your Dp sees him and the children along with his mother as a unit and you another unit. Be very careful. This doesn’t bode well.
That he doesn’t see you as a caring and involved mother who wants quality time with a one year old but supports his mum in taking that time away is really troubling.

You are completely right OP. MIL is completely unreasonable. You have one week day off and she wants the baby on that day? Delusional. Please please dont be bullied into this stand your groud!

I've just read more of the thread. I actually think the best way to handle this is by saying yes I am going to be selfish with my baby! Don't apologise. You are managing a lot with a very absent DP. Do what makes you happy.

I wouldn't recommend this. Even if MIL were willing to come to you and change her day off to look after the baby, you'd need to be happy with that arrangement.

I never had my parents or in laws look after any of mine. I preferred to pay a nanny, because I wanted to have my children in the hands of people who would follow my instructions and who I could ask to do things differently without it causing relationship problems in my family. I know others who are very happy to have the grandparents help, but for every family where that works there seems to be another where it doesn't, and as a FT working mum with a 30 year career under my belt I know that things only work and are tolerable if you are happy with your childcare set up.

Stick to your guns on this one, and good luck!

If you are driving 2 hours to hers that seems ridiculous. If she wants to spend time with the baby she can come to you. Otherwise use the more local help. Where she lives isn't your problem.